That's the way it is

I remember when I was in high school some girls in my scout troop started a rumor that I was gay. It started out as an innocent prank but it grew and it grew quickly. It started with notes in my locker; poems written about me calling me a ho, a dyke, a queer; people coming up to me at the lunch table asking if I was a dyke; classmates looking away when I passed them in the hall and laughing once I was almost out of earshot. Eventually it got to the point that people would just yell "LESBIAN" when they passed by.

When it started my father, who is a HUGELY homophobic but will never actually admit it, freaked out. He could not handle people saying such things. I wanted to let it die. I wanted so badly just to ignore it and pray that it went away. I kept saying that I thought it was funny and that it wasn't a big deal. Teenagers say stupid things, why should I suffer? But he wouldn't leave it alone. Eventually I was called in to the Assistant Principal's Office to discuss the matter. I was called in to his office every single morning for a week. Each time it was my father who called for the meeting. Each time I said I didn't want to discuss it. Each time I was forced to. Each time we had a meeting to fix it, it got worse. I wanted to scream.

The worst part for me wasn't the teasing I got from classmates and people I didn't even know. It was my father's reaction. I begged him to leave it alone. The experience solidified in my mind that if were gay, he would never accept me. He wouldn't know what to do with himself. I became afraid to speak about it. It was never that he hated gays. He doesn't hate anyone. But he thinks that it is immoral and wrong. I know that. I knew that.

In 2000, at Christmas I came out to my father about being Bisexual. I was sickened when HE told my mother. That should have been left to me. He didn't tell her because he thought she should know, but rather because it was a problem that needed to be discussed away. It was a phase that they needed to talk me out of. That experience in college combined with the numerous discussions I have had with my father since I started to think I was different, keeps me in the closet about my actual homosexuality in regards to my parents. It should be obvious to you by now that neither of my parents reads this blog or even knows it exists.

Today was a National Day of Silence. But I am tired of being silent. I will continue to keep my parents in the dark about this, it's not something they need to know. But I don't want to keep from saying it here because someone who reads this might say something to them. I am tired of that fear. I am tired of almost feeling ashamed that I have finally admitted to myself that I am gay.

I know now that I can love someone. I can have a relationship that doesn't make me feel awful.

I can be happy.
I can be loved.
I can love someone.

I am tired of feeling that this knowledge is something I should hide.

I encourage all of you to open your hearts and your minds. Accept people for who they are: people who deserve to be loved. That is all anyone is.

We are all people who deserve love.

I Love you all.