I am tired.
I've been tired for an entire week and frankly, I'm tired of it. Every day this week I have barely been able to pull myself out of bed by 8 am, so I can leave the house at 8:30.
I try to sleep. I can't.
I'm anxious.
Yesterday, I had an absolute breakdown at camp. It has been a long four week session. I hurt my arm on Wednesday and it's been bothering me ever since. When a co-worker, in an attempt to participate in the afternoon sing-a-long, put her "hand on the shoulder of the person next to" her, she did it a little too hard and I was back at the nurse with an ice pack on my arm. I sat there of about 20 minutes. I would have left the office sooner and gone back to the pavilion, out of fear that sitting with the nurse any longer would result in tears, but my boss came in and needed to talk to me. He wanted to make sure that I was getting proper medical attention.
"I can't. I don't have insurance."
I said that I could probably fix the problem with regular visits to a chiropractor, but that too, ain't cheap. I would need to find another doctor first as I am no longer comfortable seeing my most recent one. I don't want to risk being sued for libel, so I'll just say that I didn't like the experience. I did sometimes feel better physically, but emotionally, I was raw. A doctor should not be the cause of that in my opinion.
Anyway, a new doctor would require a consultation, x-rays, and regular visits. One visit alone can cost $50. I would probably be told to come in every other week, MINIMUM. That's at least another $100 in expenses. I can't afford that. My boss said that if I thought it would help, I should go.
"A trip to the chiropractor isn't that expensive."
"Yeah, but $50 is a lot, when I only have ten."
See?
So I ended up sitting in the nurse a little longer because I hurt my arm further when I showed that I could move both without difficulty. I actually couldn't do it, but I made it look like I could. There's a knot behind my shoulder blade and I'm making it mad.
Cue the tears. Oh, I cried. We're selling the house. I have to clean. No one can see that I am freaking out and exhausted enough to even ask how my day was before they give me a list of things to do. I'm terrified to move to Boston. What if I hate it there? What if I can't afford it? What if the jobs I am hoping to get don't pan out? Where will I go if I fail?
Throw in some residual "I miss my grandparents" and you've got a full-blown tearful freak out. While I will admit that I needed to do it. I wish I had been able to do it away from work and campers. I hate having to pull myself together because there is no other alternative.
The whole time I kept thinking "I want to go home, but I don't really know where that is anymore". I kept picturing Toronto and how wonderful a vacation will feel. I've had some conversations with Sharon, via email, and she is all for getting together with me and Laura when we are in town. Thank God. I don't know what I would do without certain people in my life.
I'm ending on a positive note. It's better that way.
