It just keeps getting worse

I am still looking for a job that will allow me to earn money rather than simply break even every month. It's not going well. I have less than nothing in my bank account right now and five bucks in my wallet. Granted, I'll get paid on Sunday for parties but I am starting to hate doing them. I don't even feel like teaching camp this summer. It'll pass, I hope, but until then, I remain depressed.

I tried to stay positive. I kept dreaming about grad school and how great it would be. I made basically NOTHING last year, so I thought I would eligible for a Pell Grant. No. I am not sure why. Now even if I do get accepted I doubt I'll be able to afford to go. My credit isn't good. Even if I got accepted I don't think that I could get another loan. If I did, how would I manage to pay it back? I'd have a Master's degree sure but... It's funny. When I thought I'd get a Pell Grant I could picture getting a job and making my programs work really well, now that financing my education requires more loans, I can't even picture getting accepted. This means I'll be here, in Danbury, struggling and living with my mother which is a struggle by itself.

I had hoped to go up to Toronto for a weekend with friends in May. I had wanted to drive up to New Hampshire for a day to see some old work buddies. I wanted to go to New York City EVER. I don't know if any of those things will happen.

I wish I could feel anything but this.

I just feel defeated. I wish I could talk about it with my mother but she always interrupts. She doesn't listen and she wouldn't understand. I just want to go home. I would, but I don't know where that is anymore. I really, truly hate this. I don't really care that it's making me a stringer person. I couldn't care any less that this is a great learning experience. I don't feel like learning. I feel like curling up into the fetal position and crying till I become dehydrated.

I really, really hate this.

I hope you are having a better day.