That's the way it is

I remember when I was in high school some girls in my scout troop started a rumor that I was gay. It started out as an innocent prank but it grew and it grew quickly. It started with notes in my locker; poems written about me calling me a ho, a dyke, a queer; people coming up to me at the lunch table asking if I was a dyke; classmates looking away when I passed them in the hall and laughing once I was almost out of earshot. Eventually it got to the point that people would just yell "LESBIAN" when they passed by.

When it started my father, who is a HUGELY homophobic but will never actually admit it, freaked out. He could not handle people saying such things. I wanted to let it die. I wanted so badly just to ignore it and pray that it went away. I kept saying that I thought it was funny and that it wasn't a big deal. Teenagers say stupid things, why should I suffer? But he wouldn't leave it alone. Eventually I was called in to the Assistant Principal's Office to discuss the matter. I was called in to his office every single morning for a week. Each time it was my father who called for the meeting. Each time I said I didn't want to discuss it. Each time I was forced to. Each time we had a meeting to fix it, it got worse. I wanted to scream.

The worst part for me wasn't the teasing I got from classmates and people I didn't even know. It was my father's reaction. I begged him to leave it alone. The experience solidified in my mind that if were gay, he would never accept me. He wouldn't know what to do with himself. I became afraid to speak about it. It was never that he hated gays. He doesn't hate anyone. But he thinks that it is immoral and wrong. I know that. I knew that.

In 2000, at Christmas I came out to my father about being Bisexual. I was sickened when HE told my mother. That should have been left to me. He didn't tell her because he thought she should know, but rather because it was a problem that needed to be discussed away. It was a phase that they needed to talk me out of. That experience in college combined with the numerous discussions I have had with my father since I started to think I was different, keeps me in the closet about my actual homosexuality in regards to my parents. It should be obvious to you by now that neither of my parents reads this blog or even knows it exists.

Today was a National Day of Silence. But I am tired of being silent. I will continue to keep my parents in the dark about this, it's not something they need to know. But I don't want to keep from saying it here because someone who reads this might say something to them. I am tired of that fear. I am tired of almost feeling ashamed that I have finally admitted to myself that I am gay.

I know now that I can love someone. I can have a relationship that doesn't make me feel awful.

I can be happy.
I can be loved.
I can love someone.

I am tired of feeling that this knowledge is something I should hide.

I encourage all of you to open your hearts and your minds. Accept people for who they are: people who deserve to be loved. That is all anyone is.

We are all people who deserve love.

I Love you all.

Sometimes to be heard you have to be silent

I had to work today. I don't mind, like I've said so many times before, I need the money. I was so busy with errands and phone calls and sales that I forgot something truly important.

Today was A National Day of Silence.

Perhaps some of you have never heard of it. It is a day about making sure LGBT kids are not bullied in school, and this year it will be dedicated to the memory of Lawrence King, a California pre-teen who was shot and killed by another classmate out of homophobic hate. It is an important day, because we need to protect our children. Kids aren't always aware of what their hatred can do. It is just as deadly as grown up hate. Hate kills. And it hurts everyone.

Growing up is hard enough without having to fear being killed because of who you are.

Lawrence King: January 1993 - February 2008. Killed because he was gay.

Two weeks to go

Ok. I apologize in advance because I am going to be talking about Toronto for a while. I leave for Springfield, Mass in two weeks and 5 hours. Yeah, I drive up at 5 am so we can meet up by 7 and hit Toronto by 3 or so. Then it's a quick tourist afternoon with Laura and possibly Heather, a film at the Toronto Jewish Film Festival and more sightseeing on Sunday and then we check out and drive off on Monday morning. It'll be interesting.

I must remember to buy Dramamine for the drive. Being car sick for 9 hours does not sound too appealing. It never used to be a problem but now that I am accustomed to being the driver, being the passenger is uncomfortable.

I can't wait. I am going to meet Sharon, Lois and Bram! I love them. I have loved them since I was little, really little. They have been so much a part of my life. Someone asked me if I could imagine my childhood without them. I can't. I'm sure if I really tried I could, but I know that wouldn't like what I would see.

It's all about the last 30 seconds

But really, watch the whole thing.

And I just can't hide it

I realized today that my upcoming trip to Toronto with Laura and seven others is less than two and a half weeks away!

I am so excited.

I have busy all day looking for cheap eateries and fun things to do close to our hotel downtown. I am probably going to split off and do some sightseeing on my own or with Laura. Yesterday Laura told me that we were actually leaving Toronto on Monday. I had thought we were leaving on Sunday, but then, I also thought the show we're going up to see was on Saturday. So I head up to Springfield, Mass on Thursday May 1, we all head up to Canada on Friday and STAY THERE until Monday morning. I should hit Danbury again around 7 pm if I'm lucky.

But it's April 16. LESS THAN 2 1/2 weeks! I have wanted to go to Toronto for years. I had planned a trip that fell through with Tamara two years ago and then attempted to go on my own. Each time, the money just wasn't there. It is now. And I can't wait.

I may have left something out

My sister commented on a recent post. "Boston?" Did I forget to mention that?

Okay. Like I said in earlier posts, I did not get accepted to the University of Toronto this year. Again, I am not bummed out. I would be if it meant that I would have to stay in Danbury for an indefinite amount of time. However a friend of mine mentioned something to me a while back and planted a seed in my head.

I met Laura through an online fan group of Sharon, Lois and Bram. She's is really fun and though we haven't actually met in person yet we have spoken several times online and on the phone. We're getting together with some other members of the group in May. We're driving to Toronto for a Sharon, Lois and Bram concert. Hey. I am a kid and I need a break. Also, I want to have a little fun. I'm allowed.

Anyway, Laura lives in Boston and works part time at a Children's Theatre. I have wanted to do that for a while and she mentioned to me that auditions are coming up and maybe I should come up. Well, I looked into it. With another part time job, I could afford to live there. It's actually cheaper to live there than it is to live here. This, I find shocking. But my research has shown that I CAN get a room in a nice neighborhood close to mass transit and other fun stuff for around $500 a month. I can't get that here. There are places that cheap, but not in areas where I'd be thrilled to live or rather, pray that I stay alive in.

I'm here in CT for the summer. I have three part time jobs now. Mom hopes the house will sell this summer and she has offered to help me pay for an apartment if it does. So yes, I am planning to move to Boston this fall if I can swing it. I really don't see why I can't. Apart from friends who will always be there, there is nothing keeping me here.

Gimme a C! I mean a K!

I got to thinking today about my friend, Karol. I love her. She has been there for me when times were really hard and with me when things were really funny. She was the one who alerted me to a job at a camp in the Catskills last year where I met some of the best people I will ever know; she is one person who understands that I am insane and does not judge me for it. She comes to me frustrated about the experience of being a Girl Scout Troop Leader and does NOT blame me for it, because it was my idea in the first place. I have Karol as a reference on my resume. I've known her 19 years, this summer. Hmmm, I should get a cake or something. I realize that 19 years is a long time to be friends with someone, especially when you're only 25. We have managed to stay close even though we keep changing and go extended periods of time without seeing each other. Maybe that's how we've managed as long as we have. If we saw each other everyday, I wonder if we would be able to stand it. I guess we'll never know.

I have decided to write down a few experiences so that you too, can share in the craziness that is the two of us.

1989: We meet at Camp Aspetuck when both of us are placed in the Dell. Hilarity ensues.

1997: We both work as Program Aides at camp. During our overnight we stay up ALL NIGHT (great idea) writing a HILARIOUS skit that nearly made the Camp Director pee her pants.

1998: We both serve on a Girl Scout girl member Planning Board and drive people crazy with our nutball ways. She also stands by me when I tell an adult member of Council (whom everyone was afraid of) that I will not have my ideas ignored and that she needs to stop interrupting so that I can finish making my point even though she has already determined that it doesn't matter. I believe I said "I am just as stubborn as you are, Eileen." We also plan a farewell presentation for this same adult member of Council who moved to NC. Again, people almost peed themselves.

2004 - 2005: We work together at Camp Aspetuck and scare admin and some new staff just be standing close to each other.

2006: We both get a job at Great Hollow Wilderness School in New Fairfield without the other one knowing. On our first day without a senior member of staff, our boss decides to make us co-leaders of a day group. We could barely contain ourselves, whether it was fear or excitement, I don't really know. This experience, we knew, would be ridiculous in many ways. We pulled it off however. The chaperon of our groups never even knew that we had gotten lost.

2007: Like a genius, I decide that I need to take on another project with Karol. So I call her up and ask if she would like to be a Girl Scout Troop Leader with me, she agrees and we begin training. A job in New Hampshire makes it impossible for me to help so she goes on with her sister as her co. She tells me stories of having to deal with the craziness of kids, parents and especially other leaders and I actually want to suffer along with her because it would be so fun to go to leaders meetings and make comments under my breath while she tried to keep a straight face.

2006 - present: Hikes with Karol generally include climbing down a gorge where one of us has a near brush with death or severe bodily harm only to stand up and say "That was really cool" while the other one laughs hysterically; crossing said gorge via downed tree that hangs approximately 15 - 20 feet up without safety equipment of any kind and my personal favorite, deciding to jump from rock to rock in the creek INSTEAD of walking the trail because it's more fun and seeing to can stay driest the longest.

So that's it. I guess that the only people who might actually LAUGH at this are me and Karol, but maybe it got you thinking about your best friend and how you should really call her.

Talk about an excitin' day!

Well. The past 24 hours have been great.

Yesterday I had an interview with a very nice man who runs a summer camp with his wife in Redding (15 minute drive). He was very excited to see that I had experience in ropes courses, arts and crafts, drama/music, nature, outdoor cooking... you get the idea. So he hired me saying that he would check my references and then call to confirm my job title. I'm not nervous in the least bit, the references I gave him are stellar. Camp runs from June 23 - August 15 with a one day Orientation. Awesome.

After my interview, I headed out to Friendly's Ice Cream and Restaurant on the other side of town. I had seen a job post on one of the MANY job boards online, applied and then decided that I would apply at the actual location in addition. I went in, filled out the application, attached my resume, met with the Manager and made an appointment to go in today at 10am for an official interview. I walked in this morning, sat down and had an easy conversation with Tasha, the Head Cook (I believe) who remembers me from the last time I worked there and told the Manager to hire me when he came over to us. I go in on Thursday to fill out paperwork and go over availability, schedules, pay etc. I don't really need more than 20 hours a week. The job I have allows me to break even each month, so anything in addition will simply allow me to get through each month with significantly less stress.

So that's how it is. In June I'll be working three jobs and probably pulling my hair out, but I think it will be fun. It will allow me to save up a bit too so that when I move to hopefully Boston, I'll have enough for rent until I get settled. But at least the depressing posts are over as far as I can tell.

Just pay attention

I rarely listen to the radio anymore. I really dislike the majority of what is called music right now and I can't stand ten straight minutes of commercials. When I do listen, it's to hear the Friday song on Connecticut's home of Rock 'n Roll, i-95. However, last night I had the radio on. I'll tune in if I know that there are going to be 80s songs, which are now referred to as Oldies; or if there are ACTUAL Oldies but Goodies on. I tuned in during an all-request Love Songs hour. Bleah. I generally don't like Love Songs, they're for the most part trite and way too long. But, the caller on the line had an interesting story. She explained that she was "very much in love" and engaged to "the love of her life". She was so happy. However neither her nor his parents approved. You see, she's white, he's black, the parents are all racist. She went on to say that they loved each other and they were getting married with or without parental approval (good for them) and then asked for a song. She did not specify which song she wanted to hear. She left it up to the professionals. Usually, Radio DJs seem to know what they're doing, but not so much last night. What did this Disc Jockey choose to play? Carly Simon's That's the Way I've Always Heard it Should Be. What?! That song is horribly inappropriate for the situation.

The song is about a woman. She lives with her parents and is being pressured to marry her boyfriend. Her friends are all married, they have children and they are HATING it! She wants a career, a life of her own. She wants to really know who she is and where she's going before she settles down. When Carly Simon wrote and recorded it, it was met with HUGE praise. She was saying something that a lot of women had been afraid to say for a long time. She was saying it during the women's movement. She was heralded as a saviour for women. I'm not making this up. But because it's "about" marriage, DJ Man played it for the future Mr. and Mrs. Dis-owned.

I'm not angry about this, that would be pathetic. However I am a little irritated by it. Does no one listen to ANYTHING anymore?

By the way, I've included the lyrics so you can see for yourself how great the song is.

My father sits at night with no lights on
His cigarette glows in the dark.
The living room is still;
I walk by, no remark.
I tiptoe past the master bedroom where
My mother reads her magazines.
I hear her call sweet dreams,
But I forgot how to dream.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

My friends from college they're all married now;
They have their houses and their lawns.
They have their silent noons,
Tearful nights, angry dawns.
Their children hate them for the things they're not;
They hate themselves for what they are-
And yet they drink, they laugh,
Close the wound, hide the scar.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

You say we can keep our love alive
Babe - all I know is what I see -
The couples cling and claw
And drown in Love's debris.
You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds,
But soon you'll cage me on your shelf -
I'll never learn to be just me first
By myself.

Well O.K., it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be,
You want to marry me, we'll marry,
We'll marry.

It's heartbreaking actually. To listen to it, it sounds like she's giving in, but just to read it, it seems a lot stronger.

Get your air tank, this one's deep

PREFACE: I talk about God in this one. I am not one of the crazy people with whom I went to Bible Camp. Yes, I went to Bible Camp. I am not someone who will now talk about God nonstop. I am simply a person who has come to a realization and wants to share. That is all.

I was driving around just a few minutes ago and I heard sirens in the distance. I did what I have done for a few years now, I crossed myself and continued running my errands. I cross myself every time I hear a siren. It's a silent prayer:

"Lord, please be with those in need of help; those who are helping; their families, and please God, help me avoid a similar situation. Amen."

It's not much, but I feel that somehow it might help. There have been times in my life when I was depressed, worried or in pain and I have taken comfort in the knowledge that someone, somewhere was praying for me. My Dad keeps a list of people he needs to pray for. I'm on it. My friends he barely knows are on it. I know that I am on several people's lists. I'm not bragging, but it is comforting to know.

Anyway. A few minutes after I heard the sirens, I adjusted my bracelet. WOW! What other innocuous things did you do? It actually is important. The bracelet I'm wearing (after months of searching the house for it because my mother put it in a "safe place" which she later couldn't locate) is a silver link bracelet with a Star of David on it. No, I'm not Jewish, not even close. But I wear it anyway. I love this bracelet. I'll tell you why.

It represents faith in the face of fear and adversity. I have undying respect for people, Jewish or otherwise, who have stayed faithful in spite of the pain they were forced to endure.

It forces me to see what is out there. Politically: the war, LGBT rights. women's rights, Darfur, etc; Environmentally: Green House Gas, over dependence on oil, melting glaciers; Financially: taxes, unemployment, the recession. Sure, lately it's been real easy for me to remember the financial situation I have, but I rarely think about the fact that there are people who are worse off than I. Once I see and accept that there are bad things happening in this world, I can come up with ways to change them, to stop them, to improve them.

Lastly, this bracelet reminds me in a very clear and sometimes frightening way, that no matter how hard I try to make the right decision; to listen to God and to do as he says, there is always a possibility that I am wrong. I don't mean wrong in a little way either. I mean, God is up in heaven tearing his hair out because I am WAY OFF!

Sometimes I picture him, yelling at me. "What are you doing? That's not what I said to do! Oh My ME! Are you insane?" Meanwhile Jesus stands next to him saying calmly, "She's trying. She isn't doing anything horrible is she? She made a mistake, ok. So dock her a few points on the Life Test. But at least give her extra credit for trying."

I wonder sometimes, even when life is going good for me, if I am doing the right thing. I wonder if God is happy with my decisions or if he's sitting with his head in his hands laughing so that he won't cry.

I think that we all try. Even people who don't seem to really care about their actions, I believe they do.

In times as frightening and maddening as these, my faith in God is strengthened. Maybe it's a cop out, maybe it's laziness. But sometimes I feel that there is a God simply because the world does not make any sense to me and I feel that somehow it has to make sense to somebody. That somebody is God. I just throw my hands up and say "Okay. I have no idea what you are doing. You are making absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. But, I am sure you know what you're doing. But hey, Dude, (Yes, I call God "dude". He lets me. He's cool like that) could you throw me a bone? I mean, I know you have a plan but why does your plan HAVE to include my going prematurely gray?"

So that is my take on spirituality and faith. I hoped that it would be more linear and sensical, but it doesn't seem to have turned out that way. I'm okay with that.

Hey. I tried.

Anyone want a rifle?

After all, Charlton Heston DID say that we could have it when we wrestled it from his "cold, dead hands."

Just thought I'd ask. I'm always on the lookout for the perfect gift.

You can hate me for making that joke, I still think it's hilarious.

Oddly enough, I feel really good

I got a letter yesterday from the Graduate Centre for Study of Drama at the University of Toronto (what a mouth full!) and I was actually a little relieved that I did not get in. I knew that I couldn't afford it. I knew that the competition was fierce. Seriously, the number of applicants has gone up in the past 20 years and the number of schools to which we all apply has also increased. It makes sense. We're all told in high school to apply to a few schools. "Make sure you have a safety." As a result, schools' acceptance rates have plummeted, especially in the past 5 years. You've heard of the Baby Boom, we're the Education Boom. My generation can't seem to get enough schoolin'. Oh well. Was I disappointed? Yes. Was I surprised? Not really. And, as I've said, it was a relief to know I wouldn't have to worry about paying for it all. I haven't made up my mind if I'll apply again later on. I'm not rushing to make that decision. I still plan to move to Toronto, this year if I can swing in. On that too, I am not rushing to make a decision.

How funny is it...

that I haven't even been ACCEPTED yet, and already I am worried about how I'll ever afford grad school. Wouldn't it be hilarious if I drive myself crazy only to be crushed in the end? Ok. Maybe not hilarious. But still. So I finally have a professed FAFSA and I am not eligible for a Pell Grant. Apparently there are only available for undergrads. Oh well. I seem to recall there being some Federal Grants for Graduate students, but I am not too sure. I'll have to call tomorrow. I am still "Under Review" at the school. I am starting to feel optimistic about it though. If I hadn't been accepted, I think I would know by now. I think, but I am not sure, that the department accepts the applicant and then passes on the application to the University which ultimately makes the decision and then tells the department yes or no. Then the department tells the applicant the final decision. I THINK< class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">th, if I am still "Under Review" then the department has accepted me and I must wait on the University whose requirements for admittance are LOWER than the department. Is that confusing enough?

I tried to confirm this with someone at the school today, but it seems that no one answers the phone in Canada. I will try again tomorrow. I remember seeing the deadline online somewhere and thinking it was MY application deadline. It could have been the undergrad deadline. I have NO idea, as I cannot find the page where I read that to save my life. Whatever. I will go back and look.

And breathe...

Ok. I couldn't get over the FAFSA thing last night. It made absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. So I called the help line and the woman who answered explained that while she couldn't look up my application yet (because it hadn't been processed) that I was more than likely eligible and it was probably just a technical error or something like that. I feel a little better.

I still need a job. But at least there is something good to say today.

It just keeps getting worse

I am still looking for a job that will allow me to earn money rather than simply break even every month. It's not going well. I have less than nothing in my bank account right now and five bucks in my wallet. Granted, I'll get paid on Sunday for parties but I am starting to hate doing them. I don't even feel like teaching camp this summer. It'll pass, I hope, but until then, I remain depressed.

I tried to stay positive. I kept dreaming about grad school and how great it would be. I made basically NOTHING last year, so I thought I would eligible for a Pell Grant. No. I am not sure why. Now even if I do get accepted I doubt I'll be able to afford to go. My credit isn't good. Even if I got accepted I don't think that I could get another loan. If I did, how would I manage to pay it back? I'd have a Master's degree sure but... It's funny. When I thought I'd get a Pell Grant I could picture getting a job and making my programs work really well, now that financing my education requires more loans, I can't even picture getting accepted. This means I'll be here, in Danbury, struggling and living with my mother which is a struggle by itself.

I had hoped to go up to Toronto for a weekend with friends in May. I had wanted to drive up to New Hampshire for a day to see some old work buddies. I wanted to go to New York City EVER. I don't know if any of those things will happen.

I wish I could feel anything but this.

I just feel defeated. I wish I could talk about it with my mother but she always interrupts. She doesn't listen and she wouldn't understand. I just want to go home. I would, but I don't know where that is anymore. I really, truly hate this. I don't really care that it's making me a stringer person. I couldn't care any less that this is a great learning experience. I don't feel like learning. I feel like curling up into the fetal position and crying till I become dehydrated.

I really, really hate this.

I hope you are having a better day.