Look what the wind blew in

A lovely gust of winter!

It is finally snowing. Unfortunately, this first snow of any merit to hit the area came on a day I had to work. I am currently stuck here at work waiting for permission to close early. Of the eight kiosks in my row, I am one of three open. Five actual stores, of the the twelve in this section are still open for business.

No one is doing any business, but we are still here, just in case.

I have already received advice from several friends and random people on their way home to "Be careful" when I drive home... whenever that is.

I will be careful.

I am quite bored right now.

I could get used to this

When I was child, I wanted so badly to meet Sharon, Lois and Bram. They were so special to me, I wanted to see them up close and somehow get the courage to say hello. I would anything for that chance.

I got that chance in May. A lot I asked for came true then.

I met Sharon, Lois and Bram. I spoke with Sharon, casually over coffee.

I made friends whom I love and respect. I know they feel the same things for me.

I have wanted to find a place to call home for a very long time. I can't really be sure until I try it, but I am pretty sure that Toronto is it.

I casually mentioned that I wanted a pair of elephant stud earrings and there they were, at a random street vendor.

Since then, I have needed more money and got promoted. I have wanted to help Sharon, Lois and Bram re-work their website and when I mentioned that to Lois in October, she said that we (Laura, Steve and I) should send our ideas to her and she would pass them along. Last weekend, I went to NYC with April. We'd been promising to go for a while. It was a pretty nice time. I showed her around my old neighborhoods and we talked. I told her that I was tired of just being contented at work. I want a different job. I mentioned that I wasn't miserable though, so would it be foolish to want to have someone else in my life, albeit casually at first?

I would really like a new job, fit to my qualifications and interests; and a boyfriend.

That's not really all too much to ask.

Well, I guess this ask-and-you-shall-receive idea really does work.

Two weeks ago, I sent my resume to Hartford Children's Theatre, applying for a position they had posted. I got an email the next day informing me that the position was filled but I might be interested in another. I was to check it out and get back to them. I did a little research and found this job was even better than the first. I wrote back and said that I would be interested. A week went by and I heard nothing. I wrote again, "Do you need any additional information from me?" and got a reply to send my resume again. I am still waiting to see how this one turns out. I have a phone interview tomorrow with a Boston-based company. It will more than likely be a part-time position. I'd be teaching theatre after school through an outdoor education program. They may be branching into Connecticut soon. No one is sure of anything except that they liked my resume I sent this summer and they want to speak with me.

Great.

Last week I got a message that someone online had seen my dating profile and written me. Yes, I am an online dater. I'm on one site. It's very casual. Anyone who is rude of offensive gets deleted and no one pays for anything. It's great. I figured, why not?

The message was short, but interesting, so I responded. We talked for a few days and on Friday, he asked if we could meet. I was going o suggest it anyway, so I agreed. There is no harm in a casual coffee date. That was yesterday.

He is interesting, funny, intelligent. Oh, and he's cute. So now we wait to see what happens. It's nice to have the possibility of dating again. It's been over a year since my last relationship ended and that was really more a waste of time than anything else.

But, I guess if I really want it to happen, I simply have to ask.

One foot in front of the other

When I was a child, I used to run all the time. My favorite thing to do was run up and down the sidewalks that lined my street. I would run. I never jogged, I never walked. I only, always ran.

I even enjoyed the ache in my lungs when I pushed myself too hard, ran too fast.

But I don’t do that anymore. I don’t run.

As I write this, I am sitting at Copley Place in Boston. This is the kiosk that I was asked to apply, and as far as I know, have been hired to manage.

Morale is low, sales are low, and nothing is organized.

Enter Patti. I can organize an office space/kiosk in a day. I can boost morale. I can sell, train, retrain and rethink.

But I don’t want to.

The base pay is the same as in Danbury. The health benefits, the hours, the product… everything is the same.

It’s the same boring job, just somewhere new. So why then, should I move?

That, I believe, is a logical argument.

So why do I feel so miserable to make it?

I made lists of pros and cons: Danbury vs. Boston. Each time, they pretty much tied. One thing would cancel out another.

I don’t pay rent in Danbury, like I would have to in Boston.

Boston has a mass transit system, a good one and I could ditch my car and the insurance premiums, high gas prices and property taxes.

The Boston location is a bigger, better one than mine in Danbury. The possibility for more money is there, but I would have higher expenses. Rent, food, utilities… It adds up.

I have close friends in both cities. Laura is in Boston. I would love to live nearer to her.

But in the end, I don’t want to do it. It’s not that I can’t. I can. But I don’t want to. And if the situation is the same no matter where I go, why should I?

I can’t help wondering what my father would think. Would he be supportive? Or would he remember that I cried about HAVING to pass this up just a few weeks ago, because the money was better where I was?
“I thought you wanted to be in Boston. And the money might be better. You should go.”

Maybe I’m a freak. Maybe I am one of the apparent handful of people in this world who would rather struggle financially doing something I love than coast by on a million dollar paycheck forcing myself to go to work everyday.

When I decided to take the manager job in Danbury, it was hard. But my father said “You can take the pain now, or you can take it later. But you’re going to have to take it. The longer you put it off, the more it’s going to hurt.”

I agree. So why relocate to feel pain when I can stay where I am and feel it? I’ll probably feel it worse in Danbury.

And I don’t care.

I don’t want this. I know myself well enough to know that if I honestly don’t want to do something, I won’t do it. I’ll go through the motions well enough, for a while. But I will quickly burn out. I don’t want that.

So I am choosing to walk away from what could be a great opportunity because I know that I am not willing to fully pursue it.

I am walking away. I am calm and clear. I am not running.

A bit uneasy...

Yesterday was not a great day for sales at my location. Now, normally I would not expect a Monday to be great but there was a college fair in here and I had expected that people looking at colleges would also be looking at languages. Not so much.

But I did make a sale.

At 9:26, he walked up and proceeded to tell me what he wanted and how difficult it had been to order it over the phone.

I'm used to that. It doesn't bother me too much to listen to customers complain. In fact, he wasn't really complaining. It was more like he was just relaying information in an energetic yet boring fashion. It wasn't what he was saying that bothered me. It was his actions.

Before he started the story he took my hand and kissed it. Now, that's not something I'm cool with. EVER! The next five minutes were filled with hugs, calling me beautiful and proposing marriage in Portuguese. Ew.

Maybe he was drunk. Maybe he was high. Maybe he is just a creepy guy.

But now I've had to call Human Resources. It really made me uncomfortable and God forbid he comes back, I\'ll have already registered the problem through the proper channels. Mall Security wrote up a report and I even contacted the high school that ran the college fair to verify that creepy was not involved and was therefore a traveling creep.

I will more than likely have to give a physical description at some point. Honestly, my biggest fear is that this will become bigger than it actually is and I'll just end up feeling foolish for doing what the Employee Handbook advises and telling someone that someone else made me feel uncomfortable.

Busy, busy, busy

There's lots to do right now.

Steve, Laura and I have taken on a major project. We haven't gotten the "go ahead" yet, but we are starting on it anyway. We figure we might not hear anything for a few months and it is probably a better idea to try to get some things done now.

But now I am working on lesson plans.

A lot of them.

Oy.

Imagine the possibilities

I spoke to Laura today. Whenever I am feeling low, she manages to cheer me up. We talk everyday, at least twice. When good things happen, she is the first person I call. I know she'll be there. I know she'll listen. I know she's interested and not just out of friendly obligation.

So I am feeling a little better now. I am exhausted, but at least not so depressed.

While on the phone, I made a realization/decision. A few days ago my District Manager called me and asked if I was still interested in moving to Boston. If you recall, I was offered a job that I can't have right now because it isn't available yet. But there might be an opening at the end of November and she wanted to see if I wanted it or not.

I said that I would consider it and that I'd like to hear more about it later as information came to her. Good move.

I had thought that I might ultimately say no. I don't want to jinx anything, but there is a possibility that I might get to move to Toronto sooner rather than later and I wouldn't want to take a job I'd have to vacate after a month or two. But it wouldn't make sense to pass on a chance to wait for something with no guarantee. Besides, I could use a change of scenery.

I'm not exactly sure how it'll all work. How I can expect to move to Boston, start working, find an apartment, move in... It's a lot. There are still people I can contact to whom I spoke when I originally made the decision to move. Some of them have fairly inexpensive rooms available. One in particular sounds promising.

So we'll see. A lot is up in the air right now and in a few weeks I'll know better what is going on. Until then, I am praying that what I really want to happen, does and that everything else goes by.

sigh

This one isn't so positive. I apologize in advance. I'm tired.

Just like last time, I have still yet to write about my trip to Toronto. Lots of great things happened, more are possibly on the way and yet, I don't talk about it. It's special. I want to keep it secret. I want to keep it safe. I want to see the looks on my friends' faces when I tell them.

But today, I am tired.

I am so ready to move on. I am so ready to be done with the things in my life that I don't like. I know, this is nothing spectacular. People go through this everyday. It's called being an adult, or at least, a grown up. Like I've said before, I am taking the pain now as opposed to later. I wasn't too thrilled about it in the beginning and now, it's a little more than I feel like facing.

Even as I write this, I know that I should just shut up. It will pass and I'll feel better.

Eventually.

Maybe as soon as January. Maybe it won't be until March. That's not very long. But when you feel stuck and you have for a while, even one more week seems endless.

I am getting there

I had trouble sleeping last night. It's not from the congestion still in my head and now my chest from the most recent allergy attack. It was not due to the aches and pains caused by three consecutive twelve hour shifts at work.

No.

I was excited about today. And, admittedly, a little nervous.

This morning I rose, oddly well rested, and proceeded to pack my weekend bag (Ok, suitcase, I don't have a weekend bag) and after a shower and a cup of coffee, I headed North on I-84 until it met with I-90. I was planning on getting to Laura's place by 2 in the afternoon. But that did not happen.

Yesterday my sister mentioned to me that my car was making funny noises. I am used to that. The car needs new struts, so it doesn't really bother me to hear proof of that. But this afternoon will driving I noticed new things amiss.

There was another strange clanging coming from the undercarriage. This was new. My gas pedal felt less resistant to pressure but oddly enough this did not result in the car moving faster. And then my brakes went "mushy". That's not my word, it was given to me b the State Policeman who I called for a tow truck. Like I said, I was was on I-90. Some companies do not allow their tow trucks on toll roads. So I was unable to use MY included-in-my-car-insurance-policy Roadside Assistance.

I paid $75 out of pocket for the tow and I was quite nervous about the entire situation. In the past I have had MAJOR difficulty dealing with stressful situations. I can admit that. But I have gotten better at remaining some form of calm. I didn't do too well today. I mean, I was driving the car and the brakes failed. Stressful.

I called Laura. I was roaming and I could not get through to my father and I needed to talk to him. I was scared. How will I get the car out of Massachusetts and back to Danbury without risking my neck?

You may recall that I have had several fixes done on my car already.

*New Emergency Brake Cable
*New Rear Right Brake Shoe

So why then did the brakes on the right rear wheel "explode"? Again, not my word. That was the mechanic who said that.

So now Annie sits at Ted's of Fayville needing another $200 of repairs. My District Manager has offered to drive me back to CT when she drives down to NY. I may end up leaving Annie at Ted's until next week and THEN going back to get her next week. You know, AFTER my paycheck gets directly deposited into my checking account.

I don't really know.

And right now, with Toronto only 18 hours away, I don't really care.

Tick... tick... tick... tick....

We are now less than a month away from a MAJOR event in this country.

Tuesday, 4 November 2008. Election Day.

Finally we have another shot to make our voices heard in Washington. Now, these past few years I have had difficulty with the political circus.

Eight years of the Bush regime, yes, regime, have saddened and exhausted me. I have watched things go from bad to worse to how did it ever get this far? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I am.

There are things that are important to me.

Education (Don't tell me No Child Left Behind worked. It failed. Miserably)

Environment. Yes, we need to find something other than oil to heat our homes and power our cars. We've known this for decades.

Economy. It's funny that the President actually thought that giving people with money MORE money would somehow benefit me and other people like me who live below the poverty line. I've got more bills and less money with which to pay them now. So, don't think that the "Trickle Down Theory" will work. It won't. I'd like you all to remember that it was Clinton, the tax and spend Liberal, who balanced the budget and gave us a 200 BILLION DOLLAR surplus. Now we are 550 BILLION in the hole and just bailed out Wall St for another 700 BILLION. Gee, I think George needs a new calculator.

Gay rights. Homosexuals are humans and citizens just like every Right-Wing Conservative who wants to deny them their rights as such. You know, you don't have to condone or even LIKE homosexuality. But since when does reading the Bible and praying everyday make you God? It doesn't. You do not have the right or the responsibility to judge other people. It says so in that Good Book of yours. You can be a good Christian without hating gays. In fact, you'd be a better one. In addition, you might want to try to remember that this is not a Christian nation. We are all different here. Demanding that everyone live according to the rules and religion that you have accepted in disgusting. Oh, it's stupid too.

Women's rights. Ok. I am not advocating abortion here. I don't really like it either. Frankly, I feel that it has gotten out of hand and is being used as a form of Birth Control FAR TOO OFTEN. However, it is not my place as a woman to tell other women what to do with their bodies. It is not Congress' place either. Again, you don't have to like it. You can be against it because of your religion, that is okay. But you CAN'T say that women can't choose because you think it will make God angry. People make mistakes and poor choices. God knows that. He made us that way. He isn't an idiot. I am sure he can figure out what to do about it. I wouldn't worry, I doubt it'll be a plague of locusts. It may be a melting planet though. Maybe you should pay attention.

The War in Iraq. We never should have gone in. I do support our troops. I want them home. There is no reason for them to be in Iraq.

Health Care. I have a job that provides health care to me for $50 a month. I am one of the lucky few. Up until this point I wasn't covered. If I got sick, I had to take extra Vitamin C and pray that I didn't have something serious. I had to go to work when I should have stayed home and rested up because I could not afford to take the time off. I wasn't on the Single Payer plan I am on now. It was more like a Single Prayer Plan. Please God, don't let me get sick. Children are dying from diseases we can prevent. Women are dying of Breast Cancer, a disease with an over 98% survival rate if caught early enough, because they can't afford the treatment they need to survive.

You may ask where I'm going with this. If you recall, I supported Hillary Clinton. I felt she was the best chance we had of defeating the Republicans and actually fixing the problems in Washington that are getting in the way of this country being as great as some people think it is.

However, Hillary didn't run as great a campaign as Obama did and he won the nomination. I feel he made a HUGE mistake asking Biden to be his VP and not Clinton. However, I still know that Obama/Biden is better than McCain/Palin.

Please, don't hurt this country further by voting Republican. They are bad for this country. They are behind the times. They do not understand the hardships that so many people in this country are facing.

On Election Day, go out and vote DEMOCRAT. It is our only chance of fixing the mess that George W. Bush and his lying, scheming, war-hungry cronies created.

VOTE DEMOCRAT OR DON'T VOTE.

I'm Patti Azzara and I approve this message.

It's that time of year again...

Believe it or not, the holidays are almost here.

In the retail world, the holidays start in mid - late October. Of course, it's not until mid - late November that things really start buzzing, but it'll be soon.

I always think about Christmas. I shop early, so I don't mind it. I have already figured out a few presents for people. Some I had in mind as early as May.

I buy cool stuff. It is my mission to buy clothes for my nieces and nephews that they might not get otherwise. I will admit, when Lainee was little, I bought her a tartan plaid jumper with leopard print trim because I thought that it might make people do a double take. Leopard trim? She's a toddler? I loved it. Leopard trim and tie-dye. I am a cool aunt.

So now I am actively browsing the mall while at work. Would April like that? Would that look cute on Laura? It that a thoughtful gift for Bern or a hilarious gift for Karol? Should I get something for Sharon even though she keeps telling me I have to stop? And the question with which I struggle every year: what the hell do I get for my brother-in-law? I'm serious. I want to get him something nice, but my sister always says something like "Oh, he needs new razor cartridges." Um. Boring! That's worse than socks.

I have thought of a few things that I would like. No, I don't want anyone to go out and get them for me. They are a little pricey. These are gifts I would like to get at some point, for myself. A new leather handbag, a bracelet, an awesome stereo that plays CDs, tapes and LPs. Too cool. And a guitar. That's probably the hard one. I can't just order one. I need to know that it's comfortable and that I like it. Just any guitar won't do and I will never again make the mistake of ordering one from a catalog. Those are junk.

I just thought I would share.

I have decided

Instead of dwelling on the negative, I am going to look forward to the positive.

It might be difficult to get used to, but I am willing to try.

For example: last month was hell. I really struggled. My sales were down, my bills were high. My nerves were raw.

But that was last month. It's over now. There will never again be another September 2008. Ever. It's October and it will be better. Already my sales are up, my finances are stable and I feel way less stressed. Yes, I am still getting used to my job. I am still working out training and trying to figure out how I am going to make certain things work, but I'm not freaking out about it and that is a step in the right direction.

I am a week away from a long weekend with Laura and Steve. I drive up to Boston on Thursday and then Laura and I meet up with Steve in Toronto Friday afternoon. Saturday is a concert in Huntsville, Ontario with Sharon and Bram; Sunday we might go to the islands (I would love to do a fall picnic) and Monday Laura and I head back to Boston. I get back to Danbury on Tuesday and go back to work on Wednesday. I am looking forward to it like you would not believe.

I have decided that at some point I am going to go off on my own for maybe an hour and just walk and think. I don't often get time alone that I don't waste. Listening to music is wonderful, and while I love it, I often feel like I could have or should have accomplished something more. Though sometimes working up a sweat to ABBA Gold is exactly what I need.

You know, it's interesting. A few weeks ago, Dad was over at the house, helping me figure out my budget. I was stressed out and tired. It was then that I decided to take the promotion and delay the move to Boston. It was a difficult decision that I didn't want to make. But Dad said "You can take the pain now, or you can take it later. But either way, you're going to have to take it."

September was pain. And while I am still living in Danbury, CT, still working retail, still delaying moving on, I am doing so without regret. And really, spring 2009 isn't all that far away. And if I play my cards right, it'll go off better than expected.

See? Think positive.

I know

I haven't blogged all that much lately.

This job has me so aggravated I have nothing to say that won't sound bratty.

I hope it changes.

Almost...

I am starting to get the hang of this being a manager thing. It was a little trial by fire this week though. It's not a big deal, it's just that I was promoted at, quite possibly, the most inopportune time.

Oh, the dreaded Human Resources Audit! Everyone on staff at this location had at least one missing form or file.

Oh well, it is getting better all the time.

More later.

The first day

Today is the first day of autumn.

I love the fall.

The colors, foods and smells make up for the fact that I usually get horrible allergy attacks.

It's nice.

Happy Fall.

The last day

Today is an important day.

Today, Sunday 21 September 2008 is the last day.

My last day... as a Sales Associate with Rosetta Stone. My promotion to manager is official tomorrow morning.

I should be excited. But I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that I will finally be making a living wage. I can finally afford to pay my bills, all of them, and set money aside for the future. It's going to feel pretty good knowing that I can take care of myself and pay back the people who took care of me for so long.

And in just one month from tomorrow I have Health Care. That's right. I can go to the doctor as soon as I feel sick, not after a week of not being able to shake it. I can go to the dentist; get new glasses; even talk to someone about my feeling a little depressed lately and not have to worry about how I'll ever afford it.

I know that time flies when you're having fun. Hopefully that goes for when you're feeling relaxed too. I have noticed that vacations seem to fly by while a week at work can be endless. Regardless, it might work out that feeling financially secure combined with the craziness that is the holiday season (which is upon us) will result in my waking up one morning to find that it's March and I am only a few weeks away from moving to Boston.

One can only hope.

So tomorrow I will show up to work at 9:30 and sift through training tutorials and emails from my boss. I will work on some training and ask a million questions. I will work for six hours and then head home.

I'm a little nervous I won't figure everything out or know how to fix the mistakes of people before me.

But... I suppose that I'll know all of that tomorrow.

Sigh...

This has been weighing on me for a while now.

A few months ago Laura and I were thrilled to learn that Paul wanted to join us in recording a children's album.

"We could be Patti, Laura and Paul." he said.

Well, a duo with Laura was exciting but a TRIO was fantastic.

But now, Paul is out. And I'm disappointed.

It's a very long story so I'll just say that he wasn't comfortable.

I suppose it's for the best. He didn't seem to want to participate as much as he had originally indicated. Again, long story as to why.

Laura and I are still going forward, slowly. Once I move up to Boston we'll be able to work together and create a strong group. We'll probably look for a guy too. It's just better that way. Having a male voice creates a lot more musical opportunities. Besides, there are a lot of duos out there. There aren't many trios. Come to think of it, there are a lot of quartets but not so many quintets.

What's so great about even numbers?

Still, it's a little irritating. I set up email accounts and websites; contacted recording studios, accountants, tax attorneys, IRS Revenue Agents, etc...

It's a lot of work to just throw it away.

An Ordinary Miracle

I have not been loving this month. Not at all.

Bills are just extremely tight right now. My promotion goes through in four days and I'll see that first manager's pay check the first Friday in October. Until then, it's a little difficult.

I have somehow figured out how to pay:

Student loan installment
Credit Card
Gasoline
Emissions
Re-registration of car
Car repair to avoid failing aforementioned emissions test
Cell phone
Property tax
and non-essentials like food.

But I have budgeted out the last nickel. So the next few weeks are going to be uncomfortable and annoying.

At least the month is half over already.

I am so ready for a break.

Ok

You know, I wanted to post more about my trip to Toronto. But... not much happened.

That's Steve, Laura and me. This was taken outside Mother's Dumplings. Sharon recommended it. I wasn't too fond of it but the company was good.

Me and Sharon. Taken after ice cream, conversation and lots of laughs at Hollywood Gelato.

Steve, Me and Laura at the Centre Island Ferry Docks. We're facing south. You can tell because the CN Tower is behind us.

Strike that, Reverse it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to announce that the move to Boston if off. Well, postponed.

I had planned to head up on the 29th and stay with Laura until I got settled. However when my boss offered me a promotion where I am, I realized that it would be stupid and irresponsible to turn it down.

So I am staying in Danbury until March or April of 2009.

That's not that bad.

It's better this way, really. I can pay my bills down so they don't follow me when I move and I must admit that I was afraid of that happening. This way, when I move, I can be more prepared and ready for the undertaking. Who knows, I might even score a better apartment as a result.

So that's that. I am actually relieved despite my disappointment. And I am a little nervous about what managing the kiosk will involve. But I honestly feel that I'll do well. Besides, even if I hate it... it's only 8 months.

The first little bit...

Toronto with Laura consisted of a lot of walking. We walked everywhere.

It's not because we didn't understand, or could not afford the mass transit system. On the contrary, we used it often. But we both enjoyed walking, getting to know neighborhoods and seeing little cafes and shops that we would otherwise miss if we took the streetcar. Of course, some places we saw from the streetcar. For example illy is a cute, modern cafe that has really delicious and actually reasonably prices crepes. I got the strawberry cheese one. It was so good. I will admit I was a little scared about a crepe with strawberry jam and mozzarella cheese. But I was pleasantly surprised by how delicious it was.

Anyway. We walked. A lot. Now, it's not that I didn't bring sneakers, I did. But I never wore them. They simply were not comfortable. So I wore flip flops for the majority of my stay. It was Wednesday by the time I had managed to find a pair that were better suited to long walks. It's a harder rubber with arch supports. I was quite pleased. I got some blisters breaking them in but that's okay. My main complaint was that the only available pair were bright rain-slicker yellow. Again, whatever. At least wearing them I didn't come home looking like a homeless ragamuffin.

This is what will happen to your feet if you walk around Toronto all day in flip flops.


Ew. So now you know about that. I hope you're happy.

More to come. I promise.

Why did this take me so long?

When Laura and I were in Toronto, we met up for ice cream with Sharon. It was a lovely time. But Sharon mentioned that Bram's wife, Ruth Morrison, was ill. I asked for clarification.

"Like head-cold sick or really sick?"

"She's pretty sick."

I am not sure how many readers I have. I only know of a few. But I hope that posting this prayer request will help. Who knows? My few readers could tell their friends, and they could tell their friends...

You see where I'm going with this, right?

I don't know what kind of sick Ruth is. Frankly, I don't think it matters.

Please pray for her and Bram.

Thank you.

this is really happening...

isn't it?

Well. It is September 1.

Wow.

I know what you're thinking: "Wow? Really? What's so WOW about September 1?"

Okay, I'll tell you.

This is it. I am no longer able to say that I will be heading up to Boston "Next month". Now it is this month. Frankly, that's a little scary. I'm nervous just talking about it.

I will be driving up on the 29th. That's 28 days. 4 weeks.

Wow.

Laura and her roommates have offered me a couch for a few weeks (hopefully no more than 2) while I finalize an apartment, a job and a move that will hopefully include my father driving the u-haul up instead of me. We'll see. I'll bet he'll do it if I ask nicely and pay for it.

But it's really freaky. And, while I know it'll be fine, there is part me that is not so sure.

I know that this is good for me. I have needed a change of scene for a long time. Boston seems the most logical place to go. I have some friends there. There are more jobs there. It's bigger, so I am allowed more anonymity. I know that I will do a lot of that growing up I've heard so much about. Maybe that's why I'm scared. Maybe that and something else.

I had called my District Manager and asked for a transfer. I figured I would work at one or all of the three locations we have in the Boston Area. However, she mentioned that there was a new location going into Logan International Airport and she wanted me to manage it. I wasn't thrilled, mind you, by the thought of a full-time retail job, but I did like the idea of making enough money to pay my bills every month.

But when I didn't hear back from her, I got a little worried. Was I being promoted or not? So I called and asked.

"Well, Patti, we're not sure now."

The location was supposed to open in September, but by the time I had heard about it they had already pushed it to October. Now, we don't know when it is going in. If it doesn't open by late November, it won't go in until March. So I have some more job hunting to do.

Granted, I was planning on coming into Boston with a part-time retail job in the beginning. But I always knew that it wouldn't be enough. I have a very short amount of time in which to find gainful employment or I will have to go back to Danbury. The money isn't better there by a long shot, but the rent is lower.

I have sent out emails, resumes, cover letters... Tomorrow I can call around to people I've already contacted and ask for interviews. I figure that way, even if there aren't jobs available now, if one opens up for which I am qualified, I will be one step closer to it. There is always the possibility of simply asking for a job that doesn't exist yet just to see if it works.

But for now, I wait and I wonder.

What am I getting myself into?

odd

I think it's pretty interesting that I had such a good time on vacation and I have still yet to blog about it. I meant to do it while I was there. But for some reason, I didn't. I would try but I couldn't write it down.

Now, it's almost as if I don't want to. I do want to share my experiences, but I really don't feel like putting in the effort. I am sure that eventually I will come around.

p

I'm getting there.

Come hell or high water, I will make it home.

It's more than that

I sell language learning software. Yes, I am one of those people sitting at a kiosk in the mall, waiting to sell one piece of product.

The other day, a guy came by and asked to look at the Japanese program. I happily obliged. At one point he said something interesting. We got something wrong. Not a word, but a custom. In Japan it is considered rude to say "thank you" if someone compliments you. It's expected that you will be polite and modest. I didn't know that. The software program has it so that a compliment is followed by a "thank you".

It got me thinking about how we are all so different culturally. It's interesting.

Another prime example just presented itself to me. The person who works at the kiosk next to mine is Jewish. It's important to the story that you know. He came up, made a little polite conversation and then asked if I was Jewish myself.

"No, I'm not Jewish" I replied. Meanwhile I was thinking, why would he ask? I'm not wearing my Star of David bracelet. Hmmmm..

So I continued "That's a random question."

He said that he asked because it's Saturday and I am wearing a skirt and long sleeves.

I decided to wear a skirt today because it is really comfortable. It gets cold in the mall, so I am wearing a light-weight turtleneck.

"It's Saturday, and women leaving the Synagogue would be wearing what you're wearing. If it were Sunday, I never would have asked."

Ok. I'm not offended, but I am a little put off. Frankly, I think it's a but rude to come out and ask what religion someone is. I was raised to think of a person's faith as a private matter. If they shared it with me, fine, but I was not to go and seek out information.

Maybe it's that we live in a society so concerned about being politically correct, we forget that sometimes people want to talk to each other.

I'm Baaaaack!

Vacation was wonderful! I will be posting lots of news soon!

Happy now?

Nothing too interesting has happened lately. But people have sent me emails, asking if I'm dead or if it hurt when I fell off the face of the earth.

Rest assured, I am very much alive.

Patti

PS: I don't know for sure, but I assume it would be painful.

Hmmm...

I am tired.

I've been tired for an entire week and frankly, I'm tired of it. Every day this week I have barely been able to pull myself out of bed by 8 am, so I can leave the house at 8:30.

I try to sleep. I can't.

I'm anxious.

Yesterday, I had an absolute breakdown at camp. It has been a long four week session. I hurt my arm on Wednesday and it's been bothering me ever since. When a co-worker, in an attempt to participate in the afternoon sing-a-long, put her "hand on the shoulder of the person next to" her, she did it a little too hard and I was back at the nurse with an ice pack on my arm. I sat there of about 20 minutes. I would have left the office sooner and gone back to the pavilion, out of fear that sitting with the nurse any longer would result in tears, but my boss came in and needed to talk to me. He wanted to make sure that I was getting proper medical attention.

"I can't. I don't have insurance."

I said that I could probably fix the problem with regular visits to a chiropractor, but that too, ain't cheap. I would need to find another doctor first as I am no longer comfortable seeing my most recent one. I don't want to risk being sued for libel, so I'll just say that I didn't like the experience. I did sometimes feel better physically, but emotionally, I was raw. A doctor should not be the cause of that in my opinion.

Anyway, a new doctor would require a consultation, x-rays, and regular visits. One visit alone can cost $50. I would probably be told to come in every other week, MINIMUM. That's at least another $100 in expenses. I can't afford that. My boss said that if I thought it would help, I should go.

"A trip to the chiropractor isn't that expensive."

"Yeah, but $50 is a lot, when I only have ten."

See?

So I ended up sitting in the nurse a little longer because I hurt my arm further when I showed that I could move both without difficulty. I actually couldn't do it, but I made it look like I could. There's a knot behind my shoulder blade and I'm making it mad.

Cue the tears. Oh, I cried. We're selling the house. I have to clean. No one can see that I am freaking out and exhausted enough to even ask how my day was before they give me a list of things to do. I'm terrified to move to Boston. What if I hate it there? What if I can't afford it? What if the jobs I am hoping to get don't pan out? Where will I go if I fail?

Throw in some residual "I miss my grandparents" and you've got a full-blown tearful freak out. While I will admit that I needed to do it. I wish I had been able to do it away from work and campers. I hate having to pull myself together because there is no other alternative.

The whole time I kept thinking "I want to go home, but I don't really know where that is anymore". I kept picturing Toronto and how wonderful a vacation will feel. I've had some conversations with Sharon, via email, and she is all for getting together with me and Laura when we are in town. Thank God. I don't know what I would do without certain people in my life.

I'm ending on a positive note. It's better that way.

Let the Countdown begin!

There is a very special day coming up in exactly one month.

Saturday 16 August, 2008

That's my 26th Birthday,
the first day if my week-long vacation to Toronto
and
the first anniversary of my giving up cigarettes.

YES! I quit smoking almost a year ago. I have quit a few times, but never was able to make it stick. But now it's different. I know that even when I feel weak and that I want to smoke, I won't enjoy it. I also can't afford it, but really it's because I know that I will get nothing out of it. Therefore, I don't bother with it.

I can't wait to get back to Toronto. This summer has been busy, hectic and tiring. I am looking forward to relaxing with Laura for a few days and not allowing myself to worry about anything. We are trying to meet up with Sharon too. For this, I am especially excited. And of course, there is the surprise I'm planning for Laura. So far, my cryptic clues have left her boggled and confused. Awesome. She will kick herself wen she realizes what it is. I am so good.

And yes, I will be spending the majority of my ACTUAL birthday in the car, driving to Toronto. That's okay though. I don't mind too much. At least the company will be good.

Anyone wanting to send any birthday greetings/gifts... gas/vacation money would be very appreciated. I know it's not very classy to ask for cash, but that's how it is. Besides, I can't be classy all of the time.

Updates and outtakes

I haven't blogged in a while. So sorry. I have been busy, really. Anyway.

Today is July 4th. In the United States we are celebrating our freedom. We celebrate our independence. I find it HILARIOUS that I am working all day! It's okay, I get time and a half for holidays and it's rainy and cold outside anyway. So I sit here, rather uncomfortable due to fact that I can't place the laptop ON MY LAP, like I used to and the cut on my knee from ramming it into the door hinge of the kiosk when I hopped off my chair to help a customer. It could be worse. I could have taken longer to notice the fact that I knocked my coffee over and it spilled all over the desk where the phone and the computer are placed. I could be crying that the computer is totally fried. I am not.

The past few weeks have been pretty interesting. A number of things have not gone according to plan, but I am blessed, I suppose, with a keen ability to improvise. It makes life much easier when I can change plans at the drop of a hat. And I am so thankful for co-workers who possess the same skill. It helps me to stay calm when I know that I am working with capable people.

Still, after a long week filling in for the Nature Specialist who was on vacation and putting up with extremely sub-par help from one assistant who later admitted to the Camp Director that he "was trying to make [my] work harder", I was exhausted and not too happy. "At least Thursday is a day off", I kept repeating to myself on my drive home in a car that has inexplicably started to shake when I stop it.

I entered the house, put down my bag and went into the kitchen to get a drink and there it was on the kitchen table. I had been anxiously waiting for this package to arrive.

Confused? Ok, then. Steve, a friend of mine from my recent trip to Toronto, had sent me an email.

"Hey babe, just a heads up. Your package goes out today into the mail. Hope you like everything, (yes everything means that there's more then 3 items)"

He knows how much I adore Sharon, Lois and Bram. He also know that I don't have much of their stuff. I only have a few CDs and after a while, they get a bit boring. So I was quite excited to open the package and find:

an audio tape
2 CDs
a Frame for my signed LP. I can frame it now because he sent a replacement LP. He actually sent 9 LPs (EVERY one they did from 1978 - 1988).

The records he sent are in perfect condition, have the original inserts and booklets and one is even signed. Granted the inscription reads "To Hannah" but who cares? It's still an original album of "One Elephant, Deux Elephantes" that is their first album ever, just so you know. I was in heaven. I still can't believe that someone I know, but not altogether well, would spend time and money on me just so I could have a few pieces to add to my collection. He is so sweet. All he expected in return was thanks.

I can't wait to get a good stereo that plays records.

In other news, I have found and will shortly secure, a room for me and Laura in Toronto when we go on our road trip. I am SO excited. I think that everyone should go on a road trip with friends. It's a rite of passage. We are heading out early in the morning from Springfield, Mass and should arrive in Toronto by 4 pm. The place where we are staying is downtown and close to EVERYTHING! It could not be better.

Kensington Market; St. Lawrence Market; Chinatown; Little Italy and the University are all close by and most anything else is a subway ride away. One month, one week and 5 days to go. Mom is letting me use her car as mine doesn't get many miles to the gallon. I did the math. Her car got 28 miles to the gallon when it was new, so I assume that now it gets about 24 or 25 now. I should be able to get there and back on three fill-ups. That's about $200. Laura and I are splitting everything, so that isn't too bad. $100 for gasoline; $150 for a room, for a week, with parking plus some money for food (and I have scouted cheap places) and we are set.

Pretty cool, huh?

I'm done

I am not a file folder. I am not a lunch box. I am not a swim suit being sent off with an eight-year-old at her first residence camp.

I am nothing that needs to be labeled.

I took a HUGE risk a while back and came out on my blog. I do not regret it. I do not take it back. Though I do feel that I missed the mark and perhaps should just allow myself to love whomever it is I love, without definition. I have found that life only gets more ridiculous; more complicated and FAR more confusing when I attempt to define myself with only one word.

Mainly I wrote what I wrote because there are people in my life with whom I do not communicate except through this blog. Perhaps it was cowardly. Perhaps it was a little extreme, but I didn't like feeling that I was lying to people I love. I wanted to tell them what I was. That's where I made my mistake. I am not a "what". I am a "who".

Sure, I am a writer,
a reader,
a singer... the list of my talents and interests is quite long.

But WHO I am, that's something different.

I can't continue to define myself based on what I do; how I do it; who I love or to whom I relate.

No.

I am a person who deserves love and is capable of giving it.

That is all.

The "what" I am simply makes life a little more interesting. But I have found that when I only pay attention to the "WHAT", I feel empty. I love music, but it cannot love me back.

I am a person who deserves to be loved.

And I will get what I deserve.

Let the countdown begin

As you might be able to guess by the address of this blog, my birthday is in August. I am anxiously counting down the days. No, I am NOT posting a link to a potential gift list. But I AM going to treat myself. I went up to Toronto last month and I swear, I have never felt so at home. This year for my birthday I am going back for a week. Laura is going with me. I am so very excited. I am still in the process of finding a good place to stay. Really, I am waiting for a few people to get back to me on particulars, parking and so forth. My main concern is not the hotel, the food, the parking or anything along those lines. I am primarily anxious about how I will ever afford gasoline. However, I am sure that everything will come together. I have even started planning a small surprise for Laura when we arrive. Frankly, the fact that she is sharing the week with me is gift enough and I want to make sure that she get as much out of the trip as I hope to.

Well, okay then.

The past few days have been really good.

On Friday I went to work, paid some bills (which felt wonderful) and then went to a movie with Bernadette. We met in high school and while we were friends, we were not close so after we graduated, we drifted apart. This happens all the time. But every once in a while, we would run in to each other. We'd both be at the mall, or grabbing coffee and we would talk for a few minutes, saying how good it was to see the other and then part company. It wasn't until last October that we really started hanging out again. She went to college with Jeff and knew him pretty well. So when she saw the two of us together (on what she did not know was our first date) she came up to say hello and we talked for almost an hour. This time, I made sure to get her phone number. Pretty soon we would meet up at the local coffee shop or she'd come by to say hello while I was at work and we had a great time chatting. Bernadette (Bern, just DON'T call her Brenda) is one of those friends who, like Karol, has a really important job that she loves. She is good at what she does and hearing her talk about work, though it isn't something in which I would be interested, is inspiring. But then she'll sit up with me until 2 in the morning figuring out how to spell all of the fifty states backwards. See? It's nice to know that a good number of my friends have their stuff together and are doing well, but are still hilarious and weird just like when we were kids.

Sorry, I seem to have gone off on a tangent. That was Friday. We saw Sex and the City. It was really good. I had such a good time. I haven't seen a movie in the theatre since LAST summer when my friends dragged me to The Simpsons Movie. It was funny, but it would not have been my first choice. Oh well.

Saturday, I went to work at the Enchanted Garden, a local Conservatory for the Arts, where I have been assisting with the birthday parties since February. It's a lot of fun. I show up, paint a few faces, set the table, hand out pizza and cake, clear the table, vacuum and do it again. Not a difficult job to do and I usually enjoy it. Yes, sometimes I'm tired or my head is pounding, but I view it as training for working with children full-time. If this children's album (which I am now almost positive WILL get recorded this year) does well, who knows where I'll end up or what I'll be doing? Even if it fails miserably, I will be aunt to several friends' kids and motherhood is not entirely out of the question, so I could always benefit from a crash course in "Suck it up and deal".

Ooops. Another tangent. Shut up, you love it.

After work on Saturday I returned home and, knowing that there was a thunderstorm coming, remembered to roll up my windows. I forgot to do that LAST week and rode to work sitting on a trash bag for two days.

The storm was amazing. I used to be so terrified of thunderstorms. But now, I love them. I throw my window open, put a towel down on the sill and lie on my bed, breathing in the cool, moist air (it smells SO GOOD!) and laugh as my face and hair get soaked. Saturday, it hailed. I know that it has hailed before, but I'd never actually seen it. The lightening was something beautiful. I was blown away by it. I just sat marveling at it the entire time. After the sky cleared up a bit, I went out to run some errands, one of which was depositing my stimulus check (another great thing about this weekend). I looked up and saw the most amazing rainbow. I could see the whole arc of it. It was perfect. When I got on the highway, I saw at least 15 cars, including a police car, pulled over on the road. People were just happy to see it. I love that about people. We are all so busy, running around, paying bills, going to work. We aren't ever adults, we're more like robots. But then there's a rainbow in the sky and we kids again. Wonderful.

Sunday was an easy day. One party to do, errands... nothing too important to mention, really. But it was nice to have a calm day.

Now it's Monday. I am at work. Ready to start another month of selling. Ready to hit my goal of beating my personal best. Ready to move on.

It feels good. And you know, I'm not ever worrying about when it all changes. "When will this all come crashing down?" Who says it has to come crashing down? Who says it has to stop?

I say I'm happy. What I might feel later doesn't matter.

Hello oxygen

It's so nice to be able to breathe. I take it for granted. I shouldn't do that. Maybe if I were more appreciative of the fact that I can breathe, I wouldn't get sick as often as I do. It's worth a shot.

Yesterday was... a day. I spent the better part of an hour on the phone with the credit card company that sent my account to a collections agency and then proceeded to take my money anyway. That's not allowed, it goes against the contract they have with the collections people. But try getting them to admit they made a mistake. Yeah, right.

Anyway, because they took money from me. I lowered my next payment to them. I know that I am only really hurting myself here, but it is the principle of the matter. I have set up payments with an agency through December. I don't like that. It's not that I can't pay the bills, I can. But it makes me uncomfortable to have the rest of the year planned out like that. God forbid the bad economy catches up to me and I lose my retail job. I'm good at what I do, sure. But am I good enough to be the one they keep?

But a ray of hope there still may be in this.

James, the very nice man at the collections department, said he would try to help me out. A co-worker of his used to work for the card company in question and suggested a possible fix. It would require several hundred dollars from me in June, July and August; but I would be done after that. No more bills. No more calls. No more serious debt. I would only have some minor stuff that I could actually get rid of relatively easily. Of course, there would still be the student loan debt, but that stuff doesn't look nearly as bad on your credit.

I know that the card company might say "no" to the new payment agreement. I know that I might have to keep my payments scheduled until heaven knows when, but I have hope that James will help me. It's nice to know that there is someone who may have some influence on my side.

So, last night I slept soundly, breathing deeply, through my nose. I am starting to feel a hell of a lot better.

And now I'm sick

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Shut up Karol. While in Toronto, I started to feel ANOTHER cold sore coming on. I get them WAY too often. I have had one for the majority of the past seven months. I should call my dentist. I would, if I had any money to dispose of on frivolous things such as health care. I have tried everything I can think of to fix this problem but to no avail. I am hoping that upping my Vitamin C intake will help the matter, but I have learned not to be too hopeful.

When I came back from Toronto I immediately got a little hay fever. Now, initially I thought nothing of it. A lot of pollen was released into the air while I was away and I was reacting to a level that was higher than when I left. Ok. It made sense to me. But now I'm worse, not better, worse.

It feels different than hay fever now. Yes, I am a little stuffy and I can't stop coughing to save my life. But there aren't many aches and pains that usually come along with those symptoms. I feel tired, but I'm sure that's because I'm winded form not being able to breathe. As an uninsured person, I am terrified that it's serious. I really hope it's not Walking Pneumonia, but it is possible.

I am reassured by the fact that the coughing is at least somewhat helpful in the attempt to clear out my lungs. I am sure that nine years of intermittent smoking did NOT help me. It's quite possible that I'm clearing some of that junk now too. I hope so, but eww just that same. I am also somewhat relieved by the fact that I sneezed today. Usually that's a signal that whatever I have is going away.

Seriously though, I am lightheaded from all the coughing. And I've pulled several major muscles. I wish I could get abs of steel from this, but no. I will have to do actual work for those.

Annie was sick

For those of you who don't know, Annie is my 1997 Cherry Red Dodge Neon. Last year she started overheating on a more and more regular basis, but EVERY SINGLE TIME I brought her to the mechanic, he could not get her to overheat. He could find nothing wrong. Everything I thought of as a potential fix, he said he'd do, for a very high price. I have been fighting going back into the red for a while now. Bills with obnoxious collection agencies come first. Sorry Annie. But I needed some work done on my car, and I had no idea what needed fixing. It was a source of major aggravation and stress.

I can handle a lot of stress. I can handle the chaos that is working retail or worse, a portrait studio, during the holiday rush. I can handle having several jobs and deadlines all at once. My multi-tasking skills are the envy of all who see them. I can handle getting lost, because I have enough sense to which way is north at all times and be able to retrace my steps. I don't like to, but I can even handle a group of unhappy three-year-olds who all want to play with the same puzzle. But money stress, I cannot handle. It follows me around and invades EVERY thought I have. I have been lucky enough to be blessed with family who help me when they can, sometimes when they can't. I am SO close to getting rid of my one remaining credit card and starting the work that is improving my credit. But I literally thought there was no hope for me in the car department. I'd never be able to afford to fix her (I thought I was looking at $1000 to rebuild the transmission) and replacing her? Doubtful.

Yesterday I was quoted $124 by a car service company to have my thermostat replaced. I thought that price was a little ridiculous, borderline disgusting actually. So I called a semi-retired mechanic friend of the family. He said "$124 for a thermostat? No. That's far too high." So why then, am I praising the man who charged me $190? Here's a list of what this awesome dude did for me.

*transmission fluid flush
*Replaced thermostat
*Oil Change
*New Air Filter...

Does it make sense now? I thought it would. And Annie? She now gets more than 8 miles to the gallon. You think I'm exaggerating. I'm not. The stress is gone. Now it's just a credit card and some other incidental bills. Normal, everyone has that kind of stuff, debt. This is a hole I can dig myself out of. I can do it relatively quickly and easily. I feel so good right now.

Finally

Ever since I was a little girl, I have longed for home. I wanted to be where I belonged, where I fit; with people who understood me. The only problem, I had NO idea where home actually was. I knew it wasn't Danbury. It was too small, too cramped, too a lot of things to be where I wanted to settle. I have always felt uneasy here. All the mistakes from which I have learned but can't seem to live down, are here. All the people who "knew me when" and are convinced I haven't changed, are here. All the things I have seen, heard and felt with unease for so many years and now long to move past, are here.

I was sure that I had found a home in Manhattan before I even moved there. It was the city for me, I knew it. I moved there. I liked it. But it wasn't home. I understood it. I respected it. But it was too loud, too mean, too busy to care. I didn't like the person I was there.

Exactly a week ago, I lay in bed, still excited from the wonderful day I had but dreading the long drive home in the morning. I whispered back and forth with Laura of how much I wished I could stay and she kept agreeing. I have spent the days since I returned to Danbury aching for that place. I have been wistful and oddly homesick ever since I got back to the house in which I grew up. This was a city that was clean, friendly and somehow familiar. This was a city where I felt welcome and appreciated. This was a city where I knew I could make a mistake and move on from it. I am now positive that come December, I will apply to Graduate School again. I will more seriously search for jobs that allow international applicants. I will do whatever it is I have to in order to get home.

I need to go home. I need to go to Toronto.

Mmmmm... Pie.

While up in Toronto, Kris told Lois that she inspired him to go to the Culinary Institute of America and become a Pastry Chef. She was so proud. We all were. But it got me to thinking. You know, I haven't made a pie in months. MONTHS! I got hooked on it last year. That's another positive that came out of the often mostly negative experience of dating. If you recall, I made my first pie for Jeff's parents when I met them. Remember? I was the Happy Homemaker for a day.

So I think I will hit the grocery store on the way home from work today and make a pie. Apple Berry Pie. So good. Mixed Berries and Crisp Granny Smith Apples with just a dash of cinnamon. Yum.

Maybe I'll carve an elephant on the top. You know, for Lois.

Skinnamarink!

That's the only word that properly describes how I feel.

As I am sure you are all aware, I went up to Toronto for the weekend. I LOVED IT! I had such a fantastic time. I am officially in love with this city and I cannot WAIT to move there. I left early Saturday morning and returned Monday night. I am still in shock about some parts of it. I went up to see Sharon, Lois and Bram. Yes, you read right. Yes, the people that sing Skinnamarink on the Elephant Show when I was a kid. I love them. They have had such a profound impact on my life. They never failed to put a smile on my face. So when an opportunity came to go to a city I’ve wanted to see for years and meet Sharon, Lois and Bram, I took it.

I went up with some friends; one in particular, Laura. She is amazing. We met a few months ago through a yahoo group and we hit it off right away. Until Saturday morning, we had never actually met in person, but to hear us talk with each other and see us together, you’d never know it. Anyway, she met Sharon, Lois and Bram about nine years ago and has been friendly with them ever since. So there was the possibility of meeting and talking with them! Added bonus, anyone? I was too excited for words.

The trip didn’t start out great, but I won’t talk about it, because the rest of the weekend was so spectacular that the bad stuff doesn’t matter.

On Saturday night, Laura and I decided to go for a walk around town for a little bit. It had rained all day and finally cleared up around 7 or so. We ended up getting dessert at a great place called RichTree. It’s truly amazing stuff. If you’re ever in Toronto, go. It’s great. The whole group went for dinner there Sunday night and had a blast. After our walk (and banana caramel crepe, yum) we went back to the hotel and met up with some other members of our group; Zach, Steve, Kris and Paul. I have NEVER laughed so hard in my entire life. We watched old Elephant Show episodes and looked and pictures. It was such a fun time.

Sunday morning came and I was really nervous. Steve had made cards for us to sign for the trio. I signed Bram's, no problem. I signed Lois', again, I did not have any difficulty. But when I picked up Sharon's, I was stuck. "How do I do this?" I eventually scribbled something down, hoping that it properly said what I meant and quickly got dressed. We met up with the guys and all walked to the theatre. It was farther than I thought it would be, but the subways hadn’t opened yet and none of us wanted to wait. It’s good that we didn’t. About 20 minutes after we got to the theatre and got on line, Bram walked up. He was so friendly, like I always knew he would be. He talked to us for a few minutes, gave us each a hug and went inside.

There was a photographer there taking pictures of the crowd and she asked us to pose for a few shots. We happily obliged. Then she asked for action shots. "Sing something." Ok. When the theatre doors opened, we were asked to sing on our way in. Again, we did so happily. When we walked in to the theatre, my heart stopped. There, in the front of the theatre, was Sharon. She was always my favorite. She was everything I wanted to be. She was everything I needed when I was a kid. Laura ran up to say hello and then she introduced us. She seemed happy to meet me, big smile. But then I handed her a card she sent me in January thanking me for the donation I made to Willow. She looked at it and her whole face softened.

“I remember you. That was so sweet.”

I don’t really know WHAT came over me but I timidly said “Sharon, can I have a hug?” I got an answer of “Of course you can!” and I swear to God, I have never been so happy. I thanked her and told her that it was very much worth the 20 year wait. Sharon had to move on to some other people in the audience so I went and sat down for a minute. I sat next to Steve and Paul.

"Patti, how you doing? Do you want a hug?"
"I would love another hug Steve... I got a hug from Sharon." I found Laura and had my tiny little momentary cry. I have never been so happy.

Then I met Lois. We talked for a few minutes...

“Lois, I was wondering…”
“Yeah?”
“Those costumes.”
“Oh. (eye roll) Which ones?”
“1978 to 1995.”

“Well you see. There are ‘professionals’. We were told that it was great and everyone knew what they were doing, but they really weren’t all that great if you ask me.”
“But Lois, YOU always looked good. But Sharon… I mean she had two different colored pant legs, shoes… She had pants with feathers! What was that?”
“Well, you see, I always knew that I wasn’t gonna do that. Sharon, you tell her to wear something, she wears it. It wasn’t until later that she thought, ‘Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have done that.’ But there was a woman who designed some of our stuff. She had experience so what could we do?”

She went on to say how ridiculous one dress was, in particular.

"If you remember, Sharon had that weird, blue, dropped-waist dress which was nothing compared to mine. I had that hot pink thing. What was that? I mean, it was backless!"

I thought it was so funny, I hated that one too.

Then came my chance to ask my important question.

"Lois, do you think that the children's entertainment industry can survive the marketing executives and business people? Or do you think it's going to become more Doodlebops?" (Don't ask, they are terrible.)

"Don't say that word to me. Ugh. Them and the Wiggles. I can't stand the Wiggles."

I agreed. They creep me out a little bit.
I mentioned that Laura and I were going to release a children's album. "We're going to do what we like, what we think sounds good and if people with business degrees don't like it, tough. We're going to call it 'Patti and Laura. Deal!" She found this very funny. She went on to say that we "know what good music sounds like. It's not the stuff that's on now."

Cool. Lois and I were having a conversation, agreeing. It only got better when she said:

"Oh. And Hannah Montana. Ah."

The entire group groaned.

Eventually the show got under way. Sharon, Lois and Bram sang some songs, then there was the film presentation and then more songs. I had such a blast. I was so glad to be there. I hadn't participated when I was little. It was so wonderful to make things right.

After the concert we all went outside. I got the trio to sign the LP my Dad bought for me when he took me to a concert for my eighth birthday. Then we all took a big, group picture. Actually, we took several big, group pictures. Everyone had a camera. Sharon jokingly described the experience as "endless". Lois showed pictures of her new granddaughter, Tessa. She is seven months old and beautiful. I don't say that about all babies. Trust me. I've worked at a portrait studio, ugly babies exist. Seriously they do.

Sharon had an interview but agreed to meet with me and Laura after she was done. "Why don't we meet at Starbucks between 1:30 and 1:45?" Awesome. Before I knew it, there she was, walking across the street to our table. She sat down and we talked for a while. We talked about everything. Music, work, Toronto and both Laura and my plans to move there. It was lovely to see that Sharon understood how much it hurts Laura and me when people say "Oh, you want to do children's music? That's nice. But what are going to really do?" As if what we love isn't legit.

The entire conversation was great, maybe except for the story about her recent trip to Africa watching an animal sacrifice. "They just hold the animal by the neck and a friend checked with her chiropractor and he said that it's just like going to sleep." She has a really soft, sweet voice so you can only imagine how funny and freaky it was to hear her say it. I was a little scared actually. Sharon is a big fan of direct eye contact. She doesn't waver. Why she chose me to keep eye contact with during that exchange, I don't really know.

Eventually Sharon had to run to meet her sister and so we got up to say goodbye. She hugged Laura and then me and I thanked her for being my Pete Seeger (she has several times called him her hero). But she didn't hear me.

"I'm sorry. What did you say?"
This time, I was able to say it to her face not over her shoulder. "I said 'Thank you for being my Pete Seeger'" Now for the second time that day, she softened.
"Oh. You could not have said anything better than that." I had worked on it for a while.

We parted company and Laura and I commenced the giggle fest. I could not say enough how amazing I felt. We decided to walk just to see what there was to see. I found a little street corner shop and walked up to explore. The night before I had mentioned to Laura that I really wanted to find a pair of elephant stud earrings. I was shocked when there they were at the shop.

"Oh my gosh! My earrings! Look Laura, elephant earrings." Laura made the joke "Everything you've wanted has happened. You wanted a hug; to meet with Sharon and to find earrings. You need to say you want a billion dollars." I tried it. It didn't work. Laura bought a pair for herself and I got a pair for me and one for Sharon. I figured I would mail them to her. Laura was standing with her back to the street, making sure my elephants were straight when Sharon walked passed us and laughed. Us again? I saw her and squealed. "OH! We bought you earrings." She walked over, saw them, pulled out her earrings and put the new ones in. She said goodbye again and then Laura and I went for lunch.

The rest of the day is a blur. We went to a park, had dinner, stayed up late in the lobby talking about the decision to ACTUALLY record a record with Paul.

Monday morning came and we somewhat sadly packed the car and started the drive back home. When Laura and I parted in Springfield, my heart sank a little bit. It was over. But we're planning on going up in October to see them again. This time we'll get a picture with Sharon.

I must remember to email her: "Wear your elephant earrings."

End of novel.

We are actually doing this

I met Laura on Saturday. She is wonderful. After a ten hour drive, we finally met Paul. We all got along really well. On Sunday Paul mentioned to me that he knew Laura and I wanted to record a children's album. Then he said "I'm in. I'd love to join up. We could be Patti, Laura and Paul". All of a sudden it changed from a casual thing that Laura and I were thinking about doing a little down the line to a real thing. We're already putting together songs lists and researching recording studios.

It is too surreal. It will hopefully come together within a year. It will be hard as I am in CT, Laura is in Boston and Paul is based in Miami. But we will figure it out. We can always rehearse on our own or something to that effect. We all have experince singing harmonies so we won't be thrown off when we meet up.

Don't read anything in to this. I don't want or need fame and fortune. This is NOT, is any way, a desperate attempt to get famous and break in to the business. I've heard a lot of people talk about children's entertainment as "the easiest way to get in" and "something to do until something legit comes along". Both those statements hurt me. This is what I want to do. I have searched for years to find this answer. I wanted to act, but that wasn't right. I wanted to teach, but that wasn't right. I didn't start to see the two meshing until recently and I've been so relieved that there IS something I can do. There is something that makes me happy. If it pays, that's great. But I am not doing it for money. I am doing it, because it is all that makes sense.

Mea Culpa

You know it's funny, the last two messages I've gotten from my sister have been "Hey, dork, way to leave stuff out of the story!" I paraphrase.

Anyway, it seems that I neglected to fill people in on the current work situation. Sorry, I forget who I've told. I work at Rosetta Stone. It's a kiosk in the Danbury Fair Mall. It's a fun job. I mean it can be REALLY boring, but for the most part it's fun.

They are the "fastest way to learn a language. Guaranteed." I feel really good about the product I sell. I feel that it is a necessary thing to learn about other people. Culture, language etc, are all important things. We should not be so selfish and ignorant to only know about ourselves. Isn't it through accepting and celebrating differences that we become better people? I think so.

What's even better is the fact the as long as I am employed with the company I can learn ANY of the languages they offer, FREE. Pretty sweet if you ask me.

So. Now you know.

Inspiration through Irritation

I am no stranger to the world of customer complaints. When you’ve worked in retail as long as I have, you hear a lot of them.

“This is too expensive.”
“Why are you pestering me?”
“What do you mean I can’t return this item? I only wore it 10 times!”

I’ve even been told by one rather irritated customer at a portrait studio that she hoped my Christmas was “crappy.” There are more, but I won’t bore you even though some are really funny.

I always try to remain calm in these situations. After all, I still want to make the sale. I still want the customer to buy… and then leave. I do my best to explain the situation and meet the customers’ needs. But sometimes I have no idea what to do.

Today I got an interesting complaint from a passing couple. They walked up to me and without even a hello began to berate me with angry questions masked by feigned civility.

“That picture on your display. That is a South African woman. Why do you have her picture there?”

I explained that I did not really know why that specific picture was chosen for a display. I went on to say “I’m not in charge of Marketing.”

“Why would you show that picture if you don’t offer the language? Do you offer the language?”

I found it a little funny that they didn’t even know if their complaint was reasonable before they stated it. I decided, however, to keep that information to myself.

“Right now, the only African language we offer is Swahili.”

“So why do you have that picture?”

“Again, I really don’t know. I am not in charge of Marketing for the company.”

To be honest, I had no idea what the actual complaint was. Why was it so terrible that there was a picture of a South African woman on our sign? Frankly, it is beyond me. Maybe I’m lucky. I was raised in a family, ne a society that not only taught me to look past physical appearance, but also would not allow me or any of my peers to pass judgment based solely upon it.

I was unaware of the pictured woman’s specific heritage. I just thought she was a pretty woman with a big, beautiful smile wearing some of the most intricately beaded jewelry I have ever seen. To tell you the truth, I am a little envious of the woman. My crooked teeth don’t allow for huge, perfect smiles and I could never pull off her look. I would look foolish, number one; and people would more than likely accuse me of making fun of someone rather than embracing their culture. But I digress.

I called the Product Information number. I call it a lot. I am full of questions. Eventually I was transferred to a woman who explained it perfectly. I tried to capture her words to the best of my ability.

We are a company built on celebrating the global tapestry. We specifically don’t look for stereotypes on our signage because we would end up offending someone. Besides it’s not about who speaks the language natively. It’s about who can learn the language. We are about connecting the world through language. We want to make it so people can understand each other and learn to communicate. Yes, we are all different. We embrace that. We celebrate that. It’s imperative that we understand others. We are always encouraging everyone to do so.

Now that is beautiful.

I doubt that you will have to field this complaint. I am sure that this is a one-time random thing. But I wanted to share it anyway if only for the message, the quasi mission statement. Hearing it strengthened my belief in this product, this company; myself.

Still though, I think the whole thing is pretty funny.

That's the way it is

I remember when I was in high school some girls in my scout troop started a rumor that I was gay. It started out as an innocent prank but it grew and it grew quickly. It started with notes in my locker; poems written about me calling me a ho, a dyke, a queer; people coming up to me at the lunch table asking if I was a dyke; classmates looking away when I passed them in the hall and laughing once I was almost out of earshot. Eventually it got to the point that people would just yell "LESBIAN" when they passed by.

When it started my father, who is a HUGELY homophobic but will never actually admit it, freaked out. He could not handle people saying such things. I wanted to let it die. I wanted so badly just to ignore it and pray that it went away. I kept saying that I thought it was funny and that it wasn't a big deal. Teenagers say stupid things, why should I suffer? But he wouldn't leave it alone. Eventually I was called in to the Assistant Principal's Office to discuss the matter. I was called in to his office every single morning for a week. Each time it was my father who called for the meeting. Each time I said I didn't want to discuss it. Each time I was forced to. Each time we had a meeting to fix it, it got worse. I wanted to scream.

The worst part for me wasn't the teasing I got from classmates and people I didn't even know. It was my father's reaction. I begged him to leave it alone. The experience solidified in my mind that if were gay, he would never accept me. He wouldn't know what to do with himself. I became afraid to speak about it. It was never that he hated gays. He doesn't hate anyone. But he thinks that it is immoral and wrong. I know that. I knew that.

In 2000, at Christmas I came out to my father about being Bisexual. I was sickened when HE told my mother. That should have been left to me. He didn't tell her because he thought she should know, but rather because it was a problem that needed to be discussed away. It was a phase that they needed to talk me out of. That experience in college combined with the numerous discussions I have had with my father since I started to think I was different, keeps me in the closet about my actual homosexuality in regards to my parents. It should be obvious to you by now that neither of my parents reads this blog or even knows it exists.

Today was a National Day of Silence. But I am tired of being silent. I will continue to keep my parents in the dark about this, it's not something they need to know. But I don't want to keep from saying it here because someone who reads this might say something to them. I am tired of that fear. I am tired of almost feeling ashamed that I have finally admitted to myself that I am gay.

I know now that I can love someone. I can have a relationship that doesn't make me feel awful.

I can be happy.
I can be loved.
I can love someone.

I am tired of feeling that this knowledge is something I should hide.

I encourage all of you to open your hearts and your minds. Accept people for who they are: people who deserve to be loved. That is all anyone is.

We are all people who deserve love.

I Love you all.

Sometimes to be heard you have to be silent

I had to work today. I don't mind, like I've said so many times before, I need the money. I was so busy with errands and phone calls and sales that I forgot something truly important.

Today was A National Day of Silence.

Perhaps some of you have never heard of it. It is a day about making sure LGBT kids are not bullied in school, and this year it will be dedicated to the memory of Lawrence King, a California pre-teen who was shot and killed by another classmate out of homophobic hate. It is an important day, because we need to protect our children. Kids aren't always aware of what their hatred can do. It is just as deadly as grown up hate. Hate kills. And it hurts everyone.

Growing up is hard enough without having to fear being killed because of who you are.

Lawrence King: January 1993 - February 2008. Killed because he was gay.

Two weeks to go

Ok. I apologize in advance because I am going to be talking about Toronto for a while. I leave for Springfield, Mass in two weeks and 5 hours. Yeah, I drive up at 5 am so we can meet up by 7 and hit Toronto by 3 or so. Then it's a quick tourist afternoon with Laura and possibly Heather, a film at the Toronto Jewish Film Festival and more sightseeing on Sunday and then we check out and drive off on Monday morning. It'll be interesting.

I must remember to buy Dramamine for the drive. Being car sick for 9 hours does not sound too appealing. It never used to be a problem but now that I am accustomed to being the driver, being the passenger is uncomfortable.

I can't wait. I am going to meet Sharon, Lois and Bram! I love them. I have loved them since I was little, really little. They have been so much a part of my life. Someone asked me if I could imagine my childhood without them. I can't. I'm sure if I really tried I could, but I know that wouldn't like what I would see.

It's all about the last 30 seconds

But really, watch the whole thing.

And I just can't hide it

I realized today that my upcoming trip to Toronto with Laura and seven others is less than two and a half weeks away!

I am so excited.

I have busy all day looking for cheap eateries and fun things to do close to our hotel downtown. I am probably going to split off and do some sightseeing on my own or with Laura. Yesterday Laura told me that we were actually leaving Toronto on Monday. I had thought we were leaving on Sunday, but then, I also thought the show we're going up to see was on Saturday. So I head up to Springfield, Mass on Thursday May 1, we all head up to Canada on Friday and STAY THERE until Monday morning. I should hit Danbury again around 7 pm if I'm lucky.

But it's April 16. LESS THAN 2 1/2 weeks! I have wanted to go to Toronto for years. I had planned a trip that fell through with Tamara two years ago and then attempted to go on my own. Each time, the money just wasn't there. It is now. And I can't wait.

I may have left something out

My sister commented on a recent post. "Boston?" Did I forget to mention that?

Okay. Like I said in earlier posts, I did not get accepted to the University of Toronto this year. Again, I am not bummed out. I would be if it meant that I would have to stay in Danbury for an indefinite amount of time. However a friend of mine mentioned something to me a while back and planted a seed in my head.

I met Laura through an online fan group of Sharon, Lois and Bram. She's is really fun and though we haven't actually met in person yet we have spoken several times online and on the phone. We're getting together with some other members of the group in May. We're driving to Toronto for a Sharon, Lois and Bram concert. Hey. I am a kid and I need a break. Also, I want to have a little fun. I'm allowed.

Anyway, Laura lives in Boston and works part time at a Children's Theatre. I have wanted to do that for a while and she mentioned to me that auditions are coming up and maybe I should come up. Well, I looked into it. With another part time job, I could afford to live there. It's actually cheaper to live there than it is to live here. This, I find shocking. But my research has shown that I CAN get a room in a nice neighborhood close to mass transit and other fun stuff for around $500 a month. I can't get that here. There are places that cheap, but not in areas where I'd be thrilled to live or rather, pray that I stay alive in.

I'm here in CT for the summer. I have three part time jobs now. Mom hopes the house will sell this summer and she has offered to help me pay for an apartment if it does. So yes, I am planning to move to Boston this fall if I can swing it. I really don't see why I can't. Apart from friends who will always be there, there is nothing keeping me here.

Gimme a C! I mean a K!

I got to thinking today about my friend, Karol. I love her. She has been there for me when times were really hard and with me when things were really funny. She was the one who alerted me to a job at a camp in the Catskills last year where I met some of the best people I will ever know; she is one person who understands that I am insane and does not judge me for it. She comes to me frustrated about the experience of being a Girl Scout Troop Leader and does NOT blame me for it, because it was my idea in the first place. I have Karol as a reference on my resume. I've known her 19 years, this summer. Hmmm, I should get a cake or something. I realize that 19 years is a long time to be friends with someone, especially when you're only 25. We have managed to stay close even though we keep changing and go extended periods of time without seeing each other. Maybe that's how we've managed as long as we have. If we saw each other everyday, I wonder if we would be able to stand it. I guess we'll never know.

I have decided to write down a few experiences so that you too, can share in the craziness that is the two of us.

1989: We meet at Camp Aspetuck when both of us are placed in the Dell. Hilarity ensues.

1997: We both work as Program Aides at camp. During our overnight we stay up ALL NIGHT (great idea) writing a HILARIOUS skit that nearly made the Camp Director pee her pants.

1998: We both serve on a Girl Scout girl member Planning Board and drive people crazy with our nutball ways. She also stands by me when I tell an adult member of Council (whom everyone was afraid of) that I will not have my ideas ignored and that she needs to stop interrupting so that I can finish making my point even though she has already determined that it doesn't matter. I believe I said "I am just as stubborn as you are, Eileen." We also plan a farewell presentation for this same adult member of Council who moved to NC. Again, people almost peed themselves.

2004 - 2005: We work together at Camp Aspetuck and scare admin and some new staff just be standing close to each other.

2006: We both get a job at Great Hollow Wilderness School in New Fairfield without the other one knowing. On our first day without a senior member of staff, our boss decides to make us co-leaders of a day group. We could barely contain ourselves, whether it was fear or excitement, I don't really know. This experience, we knew, would be ridiculous in many ways. We pulled it off however. The chaperon of our groups never even knew that we had gotten lost.

2007: Like a genius, I decide that I need to take on another project with Karol. So I call her up and ask if she would like to be a Girl Scout Troop Leader with me, she agrees and we begin training. A job in New Hampshire makes it impossible for me to help so she goes on with her sister as her co. She tells me stories of having to deal with the craziness of kids, parents and especially other leaders and I actually want to suffer along with her because it would be so fun to go to leaders meetings and make comments under my breath while she tried to keep a straight face.

2006 - present: Hikes with Karol generally include climbing down a gorge where one of us has a near brush with death or severe bodily harm only to stand up and say "That was really cool" while the other one laughs hysterically; crossing said gorge via downed tree that hangs approximately 15 - 20 feet up without safety equipment of any kind and my personal favorite, deciding to jump from rock to rock in the creek INSTEAD of walking the trail because it's more fun and seeing to can stay driest the longest.

So that's it. I guess that the only people who might actually LAUGH at this are me and Karol, but maybe it got you thinking about your best friend and how you should really call her.

Talk about an excitin' day!

Well. The past 24 hours have been great.

Yesterday I had an interview with a very nice man who runs a summer camp with his wife in Redding (15 minute drive). He was very excited to see that I had experience in ropes courses, arts and crafts, drama/music, nature, outdoor cooking... you get the idea. So he hired me saying that he would check my references and then call to confirm my job title. I'm not nervous in the least bit, the references I gave him are stellar. Camp runs from June 23 - August 15 with a one day Orientation. Awesome.

After my interview, I headed out to Friendly's Ice Cream and Restaurant on the other side of town. I had seen a job post on one of the MANY job boards online, applied and then decided that I would apply at the actual location in addition. I went in, filled out the application, attached my resume, met with the Manager and made an appointment to go in today at 10am for an official interview. I walked in this morning, sat down and had an easy conversation with Tasha, the Head Cook (I believe) who remembers me from the last time I worked there and told the Manager to hire me when he came over to us. I go in on Thursday to fill out paperwork and go over availability, schedules, pay etc. I don't really need more than 20 hours a week. The job I have allows me to break even each month, so anything in addition will simply allow me to get through each month with significantly less stress.

So that's how it is. In June I'll be working three jobs and probably pulling my hair out, but I think it will be fun. It will allow me to save up a bit too so that when I move to hopefully Boston, I'll have enough for rent until I get settled. But at least the depressing posts are over as far as I can tell.

Just pay attention

I rarely listen to the radio anymore. I really dislike the majority of what is called music right now and I can't stand ten straight minutes of commercials. When I do listen, it's to hear the Friday song on Connecticut's home of Rock 'n Roll, i-95. However, last night I had the radio on. I'll tune in if I know that there are going to be 80s songs, which are now referred to as Oldies; or if there are ACTUAL Oldies but Goodies on. I tuned in during an all-request Love Songs hour. Bleah. I generally don't like Love Songs, they're for the most part trite and way too long. But, the caller on the line had an interesting story. She explained that she was "very much in love" and engaged to "the love of her life". She was so happy. However neither her nor his parents approved. You see, she's white, he's black, the parents are all racist. She went on to say that they loved each other and they were getting married with or without parental approval (good for them) and then asked for a song. She did not specify which song she wanted to hear. She left it up to the professionals. Usually, Radio DJs seem to know what they're doing, but not so much last night. What did this Disc Jockey choose to play? Carly Simon's That's the Way I've Always Heard it Should Be. What?! That song is horribly inappropriate for the situation.

The song is about a woman. She lives with her parents and is being pressured to marry her boyfriend. Her friends are all married, they have children and they are HATING it! She wants a career, a life of her own. She wants to really know who she is and where she's going before she settles down. When Carly Simon wrote and recorded it, it was met with HUGE praise. She was saying something that a lot of women had been afraid to say for a long time. She was saying it during the women's movement. She was heralded as a saviour for women. I'm not making this up. But because it's "about" marriage, DJ Man played it for the future Mr. and Mrs. Dis-owned.

I'm not angry about this, that would be pathetic. However I am a little irritated by it. Does no one listen to ANYTHING anymore?

By the way, I've included the lyrics so you can see for yourself how great the song is.

My father sits at night with no lights on
His cigarette glows in the dark.
The living room is still;
I walk by, no remark.
I tiptoe past the master bedroom where
My mother reads her magazines.
I hear her call sweet dreams,
But I forgot how to dream.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

My friends from college they're all married now;
They have their houses and their lawns.
They have their silent noons,
Tearful nights, angry dawns.
Their children hate them for the things they're not;
They hate themselves for what they are-
And yet they drink, they laugh,
Close the wound, hide the scar.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

You say we can keep our love alive
Babe - all I know is what I see -
The couples cling and claw
And drown in Love's debris.
You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds,
But soon you'll cage me on your shelf -
I'll never learn to be just me first
By myself.

Well O.K., it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be,
You want to marry me, we'll marry,
We'll marry.

It's heartbreaking actually. To listen to it, it sounds like she's giving in, but just to read it, it seems a lot stronger.