I have accomplished a lot in the past few weeks. I really have. I'm less irritable, more likely to take a breath. But I have more work to do. I am a little frustrated. I know, I know. No one changes overnight. But sometimes I just feel like I am tired of changing. It's never enough, I want to stay me in some way. Am I that bad? I know that there are things about me that need to go away. I know that there are things about me that get in the way of people seeing how great I am. But sometimes, I wish I could just be done with people saying "nope, sorry, keep trying". Sometimes, I simply want to quit. Sometimes I want to scream "This is who I am! Get used to it!" But that would be rude.
I hate to blame other people but growing up where I did, with whom I did... If you didn't yell you weren't heard. If you weren't sarcastic, you weren't funny, if you weren't cynical then you were stupid and unrealistic. If you didn't fight back, you lost. My mom yelled a lot. That's just what I grew up with. It was always there. That's all I knew for a long time. So it's understandable that I have only gone so far in a small amount of time. But I get restless. I am looking forward to what and who I'll be by the end of the year... It's the journey that I look at with a sigh of fatigue and disinterest.
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