One foot in front of the other

When I was a child, I used to run all the time. My favorite thing to do was run up and down the sidewalks that lined my street. I would run. I never jogged, I never walked. I only, always ran.

I even enjoyed the ache in my lungs when I pushed myself too hard, ran too fast.

But I don’t do that anymore. I don’t run.

As I write this, I am sitting at Copley Place in Boston. This is the kiosk that I was asked to apply, and as far as I know, have been hired to manage.

Morale is low, sales are low, and nothing is organized.

Enter Patti. I can organize an office space/kiosk in a day. I can boost morale. I can sell, train, retrain and rethink.

But I don’t want to.

The base pay is the same as in Danbury. The health benefits, the hours, the product… everything is the same.

It’s the same boring job, just somewhere new. So why then, should I move?

That, I believe, is a logical argument.

So why do I feel so miserable to make it?

I made lists of pros and cons: Danbury vs. Boston. Each time, they pretty much tied. One thing would cancel out another.

I don’t pay rent in Danbury, like I would have to in Boston.

Boston has a mass transit system, a good one and I could ditch my car and the insurance premiums, high gas prices and property taxes.

The Boston location is a bigger, better one than mine in Danbury. The possibility for more money is there, but I would have higher expenses. Rent, food, utilities… It adds up.

I have close friends in both cities. Laura is in Boston. I would love to live nearer to her.

But in the end, I don’t want to do it. It’s not that I can’t. I can. But I don’t want to. And if the situation is the same no matter where I go, why should I?

I can’t help wondering what my father would think. Would he be supportive? Or would he remember that I cried about HAVING to pass this up just a few weeks ago, because the money was better where I was?
“I thought you wanted to be in Boston. And the money might be better. You should go.”

Maybe I’m a freak. Maybe I am one of the apparent handful of people in this world who would rather struggle financially doing something I love than coast by on a million dollar paycheck forcing myself to go to work everyday.

When I decided to take the manager job in Danbury, it was hard. But my father said “You can take the pain now, or you can take it later. But you’re going to have to take it. The longer you put it off, the more it’s going to hurt.”

I agree. So why relocate to feel pain when I can stay where I am and feel it? I’ll probably feel it worse in Danbury.

And I don’t care.

I don’t want this. I know myself well enough to know that if I honestly don’t want to do something, I won’t do it. I’ll go through the motions well enough, for a while. But I will quickly burn out. I don’t want that.

So I am choosing to walk away from what could be a great opportunity because I know that I am not willing to fully pursue it.

I am walking away. I am calm and clear. I am not running.

A bit uneasy...

Yesterday was not a great day for sales at my location. Now, normally I would not expect a Monday to be great but there was a college fair in here and I had expected that people looking at colleges would also be looking at languages. Not so much.

But I did make a sale.

At 9:26, he walked up and proceeded to tell me what he wanted and how difficult it had been to order it over the phone.

I'm used to that. It doesn't bother me too much to listen to customers complain. In fact, he wasn't really complaining. It was more like he was just relaying information in an energetic yet boring fashion. It wasn't what he was saying that bothered me. It was his actions.

Before he started the story he took my hand and kissed it. Now, that's not something I'm cool with. EVER! The next five minutes were filled with hugs, calling me beautiful and proposing marriage in Portuguese. Ew.

Maybe he was drunk. Maybe he was high. Maybe he is just a creepy guy.

But now I've had to call Human Resources. It really made me uncomfortable and God forbid he comes back, I\'ll have already registered the problem through the proper channels. Mall Security wrote up a report and I even contacted the high school that ran the college fair to verify that creepy was not involved and was therefore a traveling creep.

I will more than likely have to give a physical description at some point. Honestly, my biggest fear is that this will become bigger than it actually is and I'll just end up feeling foolish for doing what the Employee Handbook advises and telling someone that someone else made me feel uncomfortable.

Busy, busy, busy

There's lots to do right now.

Steve, Laura and I have taken on a major project. We haven't gotten the "go ahead" yet, but we are starting on it anyway. We figure we might not hear anything for a few months and it is probably a better idea to try to get some things done now.

But now I am working on lesson plans.

A lot of them.

Oy.

Imagine the possibilities

I spoke to Laura today. Whenever I am feeling low, she manages to cheer me up. We talk everyday, at least twice. When good things happen, she is the first person I call. I know she'll be there. I know she'll listen. I know she's interested and not just out of friendly obligation.

So I am feeling a little better now. I am exhausted, but at least not so depressed.

While on the phone, I made a realization/decision. A few days ago my District Manager called me and asked if I was still interested in moving to Boston. If you recall, I was offered a job that I can't have right now because it isn't available yet. But there might be an opening at the end of November and she wanted to see if I wanted it or not.

I said that I would consider it and that I'd like to hear more about it later as information came to her. Good move.

I had thought that I might ultimately say no. I don't want to jinx anything, but there is a possibility that I might get to move to Toronto sooner rather than later and I wouldn't want to take a job I'd have to vacate after a month or two. But it wouldn't make sense to pass on a chance to wait for something with no guarantee. Besides, I could use a change of scenery.

I'm not exactly sure how it'll all work. How I can expect to move to Boston, start working, find an apartment, move in... It's a lot. There are still people I can contact to whom I spoke when I originally made the decision to move. Some of them have fairly inexpensive rooms available. One in particular sounds promising.

So we'll see. A lot is up in the air right now and in a few weeks I'll know better what is going on. Until then, I am praying that what I really want to happen, does and that everything else goes by.

sigh

This one isn't so positive. I apologize in advance. I'm tired.

Just like last time, I have still yet to write about my trip to Toronto. Lots of great things happened, more are possibly on the way and yet, I don't talk about it. It's special. I want to keep it secret. I want to keep it safe. I want to see the looks on my friends' faces when I tell them.

But today, I am tired.

I am so ready to move on. I am so ready to be done with the things in my life that I don't like. I know, this is nothing spectacular. People go through this everyday. It's called being an adult, or at least, a grown up. Like I've said before, I am taking the pain now as opposed to later. I wasn't too thrilled about it in the beginning and now, it's a little more than I feel like facing.

Even as I write this, I know that I should just shut up. It will pass and I'll feel better.

Eventually.

Maybe as soon as January. Maybe it won't be until March. That's not very long. But when you feel stuck and you have for a while, even one more week seems endless.

I am getting there

I had trouble sleeping last night. It's not from the congestion still in my head and now my chest from the most recent allergy attack. It was not due to the aches and pains caused by three consecutive twelve hour shifts at work.

No.

I was excited about today. And, admittedly, a little nervous.

This morning I rose, oddly well rested, and proceeded to pack my weekend bag (Ok, suitcase, I don't have a weekend bag) and after a shower and a cup of coffee, I headed North on I-84 until it met with I-90. I was planning on getting to Laura's place by 2 in the afternoon. But that did not happen.

Yesterday my sister mentioned to me that my car was making funny noises. I am used to that. The car needs new struts, so it doesn't really bother me to hear proof of that. But this afternoon will driving I noticed new things amiss.

There was another strange clanging coming from the undercarriage. This was new. My gas pedal felt less resistant to pressure but oddly enough this did not result in the car moving faster. And then my brakes went "mushy". That's not my word, it was given to me b the State Policeman who I called for a tow truck. Like I said, I was was on I-90. Some companies do not allow their tow trucks on toll roads. So I was unable to use MY included-in-my-car-insurance-policy Roadside Assistance.

I paid $75 out of pocket for the tow and I was quite nervous about the entire situation. In the past I have had MAJOR difficulty dealing with stressful situations. I can admit that. But I have gotten better at remaining some form of calm. I didn't do too well today. I mean, I was driving the car and the brakes failed. Stressful.

I called Laura. I was roaming and I could not get through to my father and I needed to talk to him. I was scared. How will I get the car out of Massachusetts and back to Danbury without risking my neck?

You may recall that I have had several fixes done on my car already.

*New Emergency Brake Cable
*New Rear Right Brake Shoe

So why then did the brakes on the right rear wheel "explode"? Again, not my word. That was the mechanic who said that.

So now Annie sits at Ted's of Fayville needing another $200 of repairs. My District Manager has offered to drive me back to CT when she drives down to NY. I may end up leaving Annie at Ted's until next week and THEN going back to get her next week. You know, AFTER my paycheck gets directly deposited into my checking account.

I don't really know.

And right now, with Toronto only 18 hours away, I don't really care.

Tick... tick... tick... tick....

We are now less than a month away from a MAJOR event in this country.

Tuesday, 4 November 2008. Election Day.

Finally we have another shot to make our voices heard in Washington. Now, these past few years I have had difficulty with the political circus.

Eight years of the Bush regime, yes, regime, have saddened and exhausted me. I have watched things go from bad to worse to how did it ever get this far? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I am.

There are things that are important to me.

Education (Don't tell me No Child Left Behind worked. It failed. Miserably)

Environment. Yes, we need to find something other than oil to heat our homes and power our cars. We've known this for decades.

Economy. It's funny that the President actually thought that giving people with money MORE money would somehow benefit me and other people like me who live below the poverty line. I've got more bills and less money with which to pay them now. So, don't think that the "Trickle Down Theory" will work. It won't. I'd like you all to remember that it was Clinton, the tax and spend Liberal, who balanced the budget and gave us a 200 BILLION DOLLAR surplus. Now we are 550 BILLION in the hole and just bailed out Wall St for another 700 BILLION. Gee, I think George needs a new calculator.

Gay rights. Homosexuals are humans and citizens just like every Right-Wing Conservative who wants to deny them their rights as such. You know, you don't have to condone or even LIKE homosexuality. But since when does reading the Bible and praying everyday make you God? It doesn't. You do not have the right or the responsibility to judge other people. It says so in that Good Book of yours. You can be a good Christian without hating gays. In fact, you'd be a better one. In addition, you might want to try to remember that this is not a Christian nation. We are all different here. Demanding that everyone live according to the rules and religion that you have accepted in disgusting. Oh, it's stupid too.

Women's rights. Ok. I am not advocating abortion here. I don't really like it either. Frankly, I feel that it has gotten out of hand and is being used as a form of Birth Control FAR TOO OFTEN. However, it is not my place as a woman to tell other women what to do with their bodies. It is not Congress' place either. Again, you don't have to like it. You can be against it because of your religion, that is okay. But you CAN'T say that women can't choose because you think it will make God angry. People make mistakes and poor choices. God knows that. He made us that way. He isn't an idiot. I am sure he can figure out what to do about it. I wouldn't worry, I doubt it'll be a plague of locusts. It may be a melting planet though. Maybe you should pay attention.

The War in Iraq. We never should have gone in. I do support our troops. I want them home. There is no reason for them to be in Iraq.

Health Care. I have a job that provides health care to me for $50 a month. I am one of the lucky few. Up until this point I wasn't covered. If I got sick, I had to take extra Vitamin C and pray that I didn't have something serious. I had to go to work when I should have stayed home and rested up because I could not afford to take the time off. I wasn't on the Single Payer plan I am on now. It was more like a Single Prayer Plan. Please God, don't let me get sick. Children are dying from diseases we can prevent. Women are dying of Breast Cancer, a disease with an over 98% survival rate if caught early enough, because they can't afford the treatment they need to survive.

You may ask where I'm going with this. If you recall, I supported Hillary Clinton. I felt she was the best chance we had of defeating the Republicans and actually fixing the problems in Washington that are getting in the way of this country being as great as some people think it is.

However, Hillary didn't run as great a campaign as Obama did and he won the nomination. I feel he made a HUGE mistake asking Biden to be his VP and not Clinton. However, I still know that Obama/Biden is better than McCain/Palin.

Please, don't hurt this country further by voting Republican. They are bad for this country. They are behind the times. They do not understand the hardships that so many people in this country are facing.

On Election Day, go out and vote DEMOCRAT. It is our only chance of fixing the mess that George W. Bush and his lying, scheming, war-hungry cronies created.

VOTE DEMOCRAT OR DON'T VOTE.

I'm Patti Azzara and I approve this message.

It's that time of year again...

Believe it or not, the holidays are almost here.

In the retail world, the holidays start in mid - late October. Of course, it's not until mid - late November that things really start buzzing, but it'll be soon.

I always think about Christmas. I shop early, so I don't mind it. I have already figured out a few presents for people. Some I had in mind as early as May.

I buy cool stuff. It is my mission to buy clothes for my nieces and nephews that they might not get otherwise. I will admit, when Lainee was little, I bought her a tartan plaid jumper with leopard print trim because I thought that it might make people do a double take. Leopard trim? She's a toddler? I loved it. Leopard trim and tie-dye. I am a cool aunt.

So now I am actively browsing the mall while at work. Would April like that? Would that look cute on Laura? It that a thoughtful gift for Bern or a hilarious gift for Karol? Should I get something for Sharon even though she keeps telling me I have to stop? And the question with which I struggle every year: what the hell do I get for my brother-in-law? I'm serious. I want to get him something nice, but my sister always says something like "Oh, he needs new razor cartridges." Um. Boring! That's worse than socks.

I have thought of a few things that I would like. No, I don't want anyone to go out and get them for me. They are a little pricey. These are gifts I would like to get at some point, for myself. A new leather handbag, a bracelet, an awesome stereo that plays CDs, tapes and LPs. Too cool. And a guitar. That's probably the hard one. I can't just order one. I need to know that it's comfortable and that I like it. Just any guitar won't do and I will never again make the mistake of ordering one from a catalog. Those are junk.

I just thought I would share.

I have decided

Instead of dwelling on the negative, I am going to look forward to the positive.

It might be difficult to get used to, but I am willing to try.

For example: last month was hell. I really struggled. My sales were down, my bills were high. My nerves were raw.

But that was last month. It's over now. There will never again be another September 2008. Ever. It's October and it will be better. Already my sales are up, my finances are stable and I feel way less stressed. Yes, I am still getting used to my job. I am still working out training and trying to figure out how I am going to make certain things work, but I'm not freaking out about it and that is a step in the right direction.

I am a week away from a long weekend with Laura and Steve. I drive up to Boston on Thursday and then Laura and I meet up with Steve in Toronto Friday afternoon. Saturday is a concert in Huntsville, Ontario with Sharon and Bram; Sunday we might go to the islands (I would love to do a fall picnic) and Monday Laura and I head back to Boston. I get back to Danbury on Tuesday and go back to work on Wednesday. I am looking forward to it like you would not believe.

I have decided that at some point I am going to go off on my own for maybe an hour and just walk and think. I don't often get time alone that I don't waste. Listening to music is wonderful, and while I love it, I often feel like I could have or should have accomplished something more. Though sometimes working up a sweat to ABBA Gold is exactly what I need.

You know, it's interesting. A few weeks ago, Dad was over at the house, helping me figure out my budget. I was stressed out and tired. It was then that I decided to take the promotion and delay the move to Boston. It was a difficult decision that I didn't want to make. But Dad said "You can take the pain now, or you can take it later. But either way, you're going to have to take it."

September was pain. And while I am still living in Danbury, CT, still working retail, still delaying moving on, I am doing so without regret. And really, spring 2009 isn't all that far away. And if I play my cards right, it'll go off better than expected.

See? Think positive.