I am not a file folder. I am not a lunch box. I am not a swim suit being sent off with an eight-year-old at her first residence camp.
I am nothing that needs to be labeled.
I took a HUGE risk a while back and came out on my blog. I do not regret it. I do not take it back. Though I do feel that I missed the mark and perhaps should just allow myself to love whomever it is I love, without definition. I have found that life only gets more ridiculous; more complicated and FAR more confusing when I attempt to define myself with only one word.
Mainly I wrote what I wrote because there are people in my life with whom I do not communicate except through this blog. Perhaps it was cowardly. Perhaps it was a little extreme, but I didn't like feeling that I was lying to people I love. I wanted to tell them what I was. That's where I made my mistake. I am not a "what". I am a "who".
Sure, I am a writer,
a reader,
a singer... the list of my talents and interests is quite long.
But WHO I am, that's something different.
I can't continue to define myself based on what I do; how I do it; who I love or to whom I relate.
No.
I am a person who deserves love and is capable of giving it.
That is all.
The "what" I am simply makes life a little more interesting. But I have found that when I only pay attention to the "WHAT", I feel empty. I love music, but it cannot love me back.
I am a person who deserves to be loved.
And I will get what I deserve.
12 June, 2008
Let the countdown begin
As you might be able to guess by the address of this blog, my birthday is in August. I am anxiously counting down the days. No, I am NOT posting a link to a potential gift list. But I AM going to treat myself. I went up to Toronto last month and I swear, I have never felt so at home. This year for my birthday I am going back for a week. Laura is going with me. I am so very excited. I am still in the process of finding a good place to stay. Really, I am waiting for a few people to get back to me on particulars, parking and so forth. My main concern is not the hotel, the food, the parking or anything along those lines. I am primarily anxious about how I will ever afford gasoline. However, I am sure that everything will come together. I have even started planning a small surprise for Laura when we arrive. Frankly, the fact that she is sharing the week with me is gift enough and I want to make sure that she get as much out of the trip as I hope to.
02 June, 2008
Well, okay then.
The past few days have been really good.
On Friday I went to work, paid some bills (which felt wonderful) and then went to a movie with Bernadette. We met in high school and while we were friends, we were not close so after we graduated, we drifted apart. This happens all the time. But every once in a while, we would run in to each other. We'd both be at the mall, or grabbing coffee and we would talk for a few minutes, saying how good it was to see the other and then part company. It wasn't until last October that we really started hanging out again. She went to college with Jeff and knew him pretty well. So when she saw the two of us together (on what she did not know was our first date) she came up to say hello and we talked for almost an hour. This time, I made sure to get her phone number. Pretty soon we would meet up at the local coffee shop or she'd come by to say hello while I was at work and we had a great time chatting. Bernadette (Bern, just DON'T call her Brenda) is one of those friends who, like Karol, has a really important job that she loves. She is good at what she does and hearing her talk about work, though it isn't something in which I would be interested, is inspiring. But then she'll sit up with me until 2 in the morning figuring out how to spell all of the fifty states backwards. See? It's nice to know that a good number of my friends have their stuff together and are doing well, but are still hilarious and weird just like when we were kids.
Sorry, I seem to have gone off on a tangent. That was Friday. We saw Sex and the City. It was really good. I had such a good time. I haven't seen a movie in the theatre since LAST summer when my friends dragged me to The Simpsons Movie. It was funny, but it would not have been my first choice. Oh well.
Saturday, I went to work at the Enchanted Garden, a local Conservatory for the Arts, where I have been assisting with the birthday parties since February. It's a lot of fun. I show up, paint a few faces, set the table, hand out pizza and cake, clear the table, vacuum and do it again. Not a difficult job to do and I usually enjoy it. Yes, sometimes I'm tired or my head is pounding, but I view it as training for working with children full-time. If this children's album (which I am now almost positive WILL get recorded this year) does well, who knows where I'll end up or what I'll be doing? Even if it fails miserably, I will be aunt to several friends' kids and motherhood is not entirely out of the question, so I could always benefit from a crash course in "Suck it up and deal".
Ooops. Another tangent. Shut up, you love it.
After work on Saturday I returned home and, knowing that there was a thunderstorm coming, remembered to roll up my windows. I forgot to do that LAST week and rode to work sitting on a trash bag for two days.
The storm was amazing. I used to be so terrified of thunderstorms. But now, I love them. I throw my window open, put a towel down on the sill and lie on my bed, breathing in the cool, moist air (it smells SO GOOD!) and laugh as my face and hair get soaked. Saturday, it hailed. I know that it has hailed before, but I'd never actually seen it. The lightening was something beautiful. I was blown away by it. I just sat marveling at it the entire time. After the sky cleared up a bit, I went out to run some errands, one of which was depositing my stimulus check (another great thing about this weekend). I looked up and saw the most amazing rainbow. I could see the whole arc of it. It was perfect. When I got on the highway, I saw at least 15 cars, including a police car, pulled over on the road. People were just happy to see it. I love that about people. We are all so busy, running around, paying bills, going to work. We aren't ever adults, we're more like robots. But then there's a rainbow in the sky and we kids again. Wonderful.
Sunday was an easy day. One party to do, errands... nothing too important to mention, really. But it was nice to have a calm day.
Now it's Monday. I am at work. Ready to start another month of selling. Ready to hit my goal of beating my personal best. Ready to move on.
It feels good. And you know, I'm not ever worrying about when it all changes. "When will this all come crashing down?" Who says it has to come crashing down? Who says it has to stop?
I say I'm happy. What I might feel later doesn't matter.
On Friday I went to work, paid some bills (which felt wonderful) and then went to a movie with Bernadette. We met in high school and while we were friends, we were not close so after we graduated, we drifted apart. This happens all the time. But every once in a while, we would run in to each other. We'd both be at the mall, or grabbing coffee and we would talk for a few minutes, saying how good it was to see the other and then part company. It wasn't until last October that we really started hanging out again. She went to college with Jeff and knew him pretty well. So when she saw the two of us together (on what she did not know was our first date) she came up to say hello and we talked for almost an hour. This time, I made sure to get her phone number. Pretty soon we would meet up at the local coffee shop or she'd come by to say hello while I was at work and we had a great time chatting. Bernadette (Bern, just DON'T call her Brenda) is one of those friends who, like Karol, has a really important job that she loves. She is good at what she does and hearing her talk about work, though it isn't something in which I would be interested, is inspiring. But then she'll sit up with me until 2 in the morning figuring out how to spell all of the fifty states backwards. See? It's nice to know that a good number of my friends have their stuff together and are doing well, but are still hilarious and weird just like when we were kids.
Sorry, I seem to have gone off on a tangent. That was Friday. We saw Sex and the City. It was really good. I had such a good time. I haven't seen a movie in the theatre since LAST summer when my friends dragged me to The Simpsons Movie. It was funny, but it would not have been my first choice. Oh well.
Saturday, I went to work at the Enchanted Garden, a local Conservatory for the Arts, where I have been assisting with the birthday parties since February. It's a lot of fun. I show up, paint a few faces, set the table, hand out pizza and cake, clear the table, vacuum and do it again. Not a difficult job to do and I usually enjoy it. Yes, sometimes I'm tired or my head is pounding, but I view it as training for working with children full-time. If this children's album (which I am now almost positive WILL get recorded this year) does well, who knows where I'll end up or what I'll be doing? Even if it fails miserably, I will be aunt to several friends' kids and motherhood is not entirely out of the question, so I could always benefit from a crash course in "Suck it up and deal".
Ooops. Another tangent. Shut up, you love it.
After work on Saturday I returned home and, knowing that there was a thunderstorm coming, remembered to roll up my windows. I forgot to do that LAST week and rode to work sitting on a trash bag for two days.
The storm was amazing. I used to be so terrified of thunderstorms. But now, I love them. I throw my window open, put a towel down on the sill and lie on my bed, breathing in the cool, moist air (it smells SO GOOD!) and laugh as my face and hair get soaked. Saturday, it hailed. I know that it has hailed before, but I'd never actually seen it. The lightening was something beautiful. I was blown away by it. I just sat marveling at it the entire time. After the sky cleared up a bit, I went out to run some errands, one of which was depositing my stimulus check (another great thing about this weekend). I looked up and saw the most amazing rainbow. I could see the whole arc of it. It was perfect. When I got on the highway, I saw at least 15 cars, including a police car, pulled over on the road. People were just happy to see it. I love that about people. We are all so busy, running around, paying bills, going to work. We aren't ever adults, we're more like robots. But then there's a rainbow in the sky and we kids again. Wonderful.
Sunday was an easy day. One party to do, errands... nothing too important to mention, really. But it was nice to have a calm day.
Now it's Monday. I am at work. Ready to start another month of selling. Ready to hit my goal of beating my personal best. Ready to move on.
It feels good. And you know, I'm not ever worrying about when it all changes. "When will this all come crashing down?" Who says it has to come crashing down? Who says it has to stop?
I say I'm happy. What I might feel later doesn't matter.
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