Catch up

I picked up my glasses last Friday. I haven’t worn glasses in a few years. I should have, but they were so very uncomfortable, I quit very shortly after I bought them. I could not get used to the vertigo, the peripheral vision, the fact that I had to wear them at the end of my nose like a perfect librarian stereotype if I wanted to read anything without straining my neck.

But, I finally gave in and went back to get my eyes checked. As I expected, two years of not wearing my glasses have worsened the astigmatism that was created by not wearing the pair before the last. Still, my vision is still good. +.75 and +1.25 is not a very strong prescription. In fact, is minimal. It is actually just enough to make me lose my balance if I turn my head too quickly; get dizzy if I read too long; and feel nauseous from the glasses-induced migraines. Wonderful. I can see clearly, I guess. It’s hard to believe, but it is actually hard to tell if I am seeing better or not.

Today is my twentieth day in a row without biting my nails. Of course, this means that the finger-picking habit has increased. Before, I did not have nails long or sharp enough to allow me to pick my fingers. Now I do and I am. I think it may be genetic. Both my parents and at least one sister have done it for as long as I can remember. It is painful, very. But for some odd reason, I continue to do it. This too, will pass.

I have posted my resume and qualifications on a new job site, reactivated my account on another and have applied to several jobs in the past three days. I need to move on. The plain truth of the matter is that I am burned out on retail. I never really liked it all that much. But it has been nine months with this company. When I was part-time, it wasn’t so bad. I was allowed a life. During the holidays, it did not bother me that I was working so hard. I knew it was worth it. But here we are in January and I am still fielding questions, emails and phone calls on my days off. As a manager, I am required to work 40 hours; 36 on the sales floor. So far, the least I have ever worked in a week is 41. Now there are new one on one calls; weekly conference calls; daily questions from staff and supervisors in addition to the 40 hours a week I am already working. It scares me a little to find myself looking for a new job in this economy. But it is more frightening trying to imagine staying put for even a few months more.

On the bright side, a few people to whom I have applied have responded and the dialogue continues to be positive. One can only hope that something good will come of this. I do my best to be patient, but that is not a virtue for which I am famous.

I have found several job ads for things in my field or at least related to my field. Right now, the total is six. However, I will continue to look for more until I land one.

Laura, Steve and I have decided to go forward with a small portion of a very large project without the request or permission of the people for whom we want to work. We have set a deadline of March 30 to prepare a few pieces in the hopes that our potential future employers will see what we can do in just a few short months and hire us on to complete the task.

I am anxiously counting down the days until my next trip to Toronto. Laura and I depart LaGuardia on 29 March and will spend a week there. It is 67 days away. Thus far, every countdown to Toronto has passed by in a blur. I can only hope that this too, will go by quickly.

The latest knitting project is coming along at a fairly good pace. It is a rather intricate pattern, unlike any I have ever done before and admittedly, I thought in the beginning that I was getting in way over my head. However, I am almost past the color pattern and will soon move on to the easier one color, knit and purl section of the scarf. I am actually most nervous about having to crochet the edges. I just taught myself to crochet last week. I suppose I do a well enough job of it, but I should probably practice a bit more before I attempt it for this project. It is, after all, a very special birthday present. Laura is making a present for the same person. She was going to knit mittens, something she has never done before, but instead has decided to make a cross stitch gift. I am so relieved. I know that it is childish, but a part of me didn’t want Laura to make a knit thing too. I was very much a three-year-old “Stop copying me!” I know; crazy.

100

This is my 100th post on this blog. It seems fitting that I would hit that mark so early on in the new year.

The past 12 days of the year have been pretty good.

* I have not bitten my nails since 31 December 2008. Yes, I did a VERY little bit yesterday, but I stopped myself almost immediately and I still have a nail on my right thumb, so I am not counting it. On a related note, it is very hard to type with band-aids on my fingertips. There are there to prevent me from picking, which I now do more than ever.

* I have managed to go through my most recent financial screw up relatively calm. I had set up an automatic debit to my bank account and when it came out earlier than I expected along with several other bill payments, it resulted in my being overdrawn. This led to the bank fees. $35 PER overdraft. I was irate, I was nervous, I thought at one point that I would be sick. However, within 20 minutes I had managed to calm myself down and come up with a game plan. By day's end I had even comes to terms with the possibility that the bank that charged my early would probably never return to me ANY of the fees I incurred because of their mistake. I am not thrilled to be out sop much money, but when I think on how terrible it could be, I don't feel so bad.

* I have finally figured out how to do my latest knitting project. I had started it several times and each time, I would mess it up, miss a stitch, leave a hole. Finally, last night, I got it. Thank goodness. It is going to take me a while, and Sharon's birthday is 31 March.

* As you probably already know, I cannot get enough of Toronto. I love it there. I love it so much that I almost don't mind the 13 hour drive there. Note: I said "almost". I would actually prefer NOT to be in a car for such a long time, forced to eat whatever one can find at rest stops that somehow remotely resembles food. I know that I could pack food ahead of time, but often, that is more hassle. Also, it seems that the majority of my trips have not been on a pay week. If I have to pay for gas, rental car, tolls... there isn't much left over for real food. I digress. Laura traveled to Toronto in August for my birthday. We ended up saying it was for both of us as I felt horrible asking her to spend so much money on a trip for me. But, Laura's birthday is in March. That means another pilgrimage to Toronto. This time we are flying. I managed to find us some pretty cheap tickets. It made sense to fly. Lord only knows how long it would take us to drive 475 miles in even remotely less than ideal road conditions. We fly out of LaGuardia on 29 March in the early morning.

* Mom asked me what I wanted to Christmas this year. For a while I have given out a list of charities that are important to me and have asked for donations in my name. But this year, I asked her for money towards a Passport. It's sad that I haven't needed one up until this point. I am 26, after all. I have seen so little of the world. Maybe now that can change.

* I am still keeping my fingers crossed for a new job some where in my actual field. It isn't that I don't enjoy my current line of work. But it is a job, not a career. And I am growing tired of coming to work in a mall. It just sucks the life out of me.

* I am working as an Assistant Leader? Leader? with Karol's Girl Scout Troop. So far, I have only been to two meetings, but I have enjoyed myself each time. Also, it is wonderful to get to hang out with Karol afterwards.

* The application to The Graduate Centre for Study of Drama and the University of Toronto is almost complete. I am not exactly sure why I want a Master's degree. I don't think it matter right now. I can find better jobs with it, but there is a part of me that thinks I should be more gung-ho about finding money to go. Of course, another part of me is sure it is because I wasn't accepted last year that I haven't gone crazy searching for scholarships. I am sure that if I do get accepted, I will defer for a year, so I can find money to go. So I guess I should take the fact that the majority of people I asked for references responded immediately and emphatically "yes" as a clue that I should not question my initial decision.

* On the dating scene, there is not much to report. I am looking but not as actively as maybe I should.

* I am planning to join the YMCA soon. There is a Yogalaties class I really want to take and it would be nice to go and work out in the free-weight room or in the pool for a few hours a week. I need to take better care of myself. I am tired of looking at my friends and realizing that I am bigger than most of them. It isn't that I hate my body, I don't. But I am not in love with parts of my physique and I want to change it. Karol and I are going to a yoga class seminar in a few weeks. 3 hours of different teachers and techniques to help you decide which kind works best for you. I think it might be just the thing to kick me butt into gear.

Okay, I have to stop. It is annoying to type with band-aids on my fingers. I have had to fix so many spelling errors, it isn't funny.

Oh! How I have forsaken thee!

I remember a phrase from a prayer I recited every afternoon from First through Eighth Grade.

"I am heartily sorry for having offended thee..."

I always found it rather amusing that it almost sounded like "hardly sorry" as if I were saying "oh, you don't like what I did today? Tough. It's called free will, deal with it."

But, in this instance, I am sorry.

I do not mean to make excuses, but I was busy. Working retail does not usually allow for much down time. I would often return home mentally fuzzy and physically drained. And with all the extra little projects I had to complete, I was pressed for time.

I offer now a recap of the last two months.

November was, for the most part, uneventful. You may recall reading about a certain tall, funny, cute, intelligent and interesting guy I had met and was seeing. All was going well. However, after only one date which consisted of great and often hilarious conversation over a delicious dinner and a James Bond movie I was surprised to find I actually liked, I never heard from him again. I made two separate attempts to contact him but it seems that he has fallen off the face of the Earth. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bummed, but I suppose it is better to see someone for who they really are early on. At least I did not end up wasting a ridiculous amount of time.

The weekend before Thanksgiving, Laura visited from Boston and we spent an entire day baking Holiday cookies and Hot Chocolate mix for care packages. A few days later, I was at the Post Office, mailing out sweet treats to Sharon, Lois, Bram and Steve. I had also included a birthday gift for Bram from Laura, Steve and me; and a scarf and hat for Ruth, Bram's wife. We had learned in August that she was sick and we thought that we would make a scarf together. When it was finally finished, I had enough yarn left over to make a hat. I was thrilled to hear from Bram that he liked his Gold Pocket Watch and that Ruth was touched by the warm gifts for her. I have now heard from all cookie recipients and apparently, Laura and I know our way around sugar and butterscotch chips.

December included MORE knitting. In two short months, I knit three hats and 1.5 scarves. My figures ached a little as I finished the last bit, but the look on Laura's face when she saw the scarf for which she had unknowingly picked colors, made it all worth it. I am now waiting for 12 skeins of yarn to come in the mail so I can start my next bog project. I have only until late March to finish and, while I know I can get it done, it will be a long process.

Of course, my knitting will not compete for my time now as it did during the Holidays. December retail is nothing if not fast-paced and crazy. But, in the end I was glad that we made it through. My kiosk was one of three in the North East Region to make goal. Personally, I sold just over $23,000. And I used to say I would never do well working on a commission.

Christmas was quiet. Laura was again visiting for a few days and we drove around the area, not really doing anything and enjoying that we did not have to. It was a welcome rest.

Now, the new year has arrived and I feel ready to face it.

2008 was a good year for me and I am determined to make 2009 even better.

I have gone the entire year (so far) without biting my nails, something I have done and tried to quit for years.

I have set a date for my next excursion to Toronto and this time I am flying in.

I have sent emails and started plans for a big project that may result in my having a career I love in a city I adore rather than I job I need in a city I can afford.

And, what is maybe the best. I am not alone in these goals. I have partners in these endeavours who want to succeed just as badly as I do and who are just as hell-bent on getting where they want to get.

I am excited and I am primed. Bring it on 2009!

So far, so good!

Look what the wind blew in

A lovely gust of winter!

It is finally snowing. Unfortunately, this first snow of any merit to hit the area came on a day I had to work. I am currently stuck here at work waiting for permission to close early. Of the eight kiosks in my row, I am one of three open. Five actual stores, of the the twelve in this section are still open for business.

No one is doing any business, but we are still here, just in case.

I have already received advice from several friends and random people on their way home to "Be careful" when I drive home... whenever that is.

I will be careful.

I am quite bored right now.

I could get used to this

When I was child, I wanted so badly to meet Sharon, Lois and Bram. They were so special to me, I wanted to see them up close and somehow get the courage to say hello. I would anything for that chance.

I got that chance in May. A lot I asked for came true then.

I met Sharon, Lois and Bram. I spoke with Sharon, casually over coffee.

I made friends whom I love and respect. I know they feel the same things for me.

I have wanted to find a place to call home for a very long time. I can't really be sure until I try it, but I am pretty sure that Toronto is it.

I casually mentioned that I wanted a pair of elephant stud earrings and there they were, at a random street vendor.

Since then, I have needed more money and got promoted. I have wanted to help Sharon, Lois and Bram re-work their website and when I mentioned that to Lois in October, she said that we (Laura, Steve and I) should send our ideas to her and she would pass them along. Last weekend, I went to NYC with April. We'd been promising to go for a while. It was a pretty nice time. I showed her around my old neighborhoods and we talked. I told her that I was tired of just being contented at work. I want a different job. I mentioned that I wasn't miserable though, so would it be foolish to want to have someone else in my life, albeit casually at first?

I would really like a new job, fit to my qualifications and interests; and a boyfriend.

That's not really all too much to ask.

Well, I guess this ask-and-you-shall-receive idea really does work.

Two weeks ago, I sent my resume to Hartford Children's Theatre, applying for a position they had posted. I got an email the next day informing me that the position was filled but I might be interested in another. I was to check it out and get back to them. I did a little research and found this job was even better than the first. I wrote back and said that I would be interested. A week went by and I heard nothing. I wrote again, "Do you need any additional information from me?" and got a reply to send my resume again. I am still waiting to see how this one turns out. I have a phone interview tomorrow with a Boston-based company. It will more than likely be a part-time position. I'd be teaching theatre after school through an outdoor education program. They may be branching into Connecticut soon. No one is sure of anything except that they liked my resume I sent this summer and they want to speak with me.

Great.

Last week I got a message that someone online had seen my dating profile and written me. Yes, I am an online dater. I'm on one site. It's very casual. Anyone who is rude of offensive gets deleted and no one pays for anything. It's great. I figured, why not?

The message was short, but interesting, so I responded. We talked for a few days and on Friday, he asked if we could meet. I was going o suggest it anyway, so I agreed. There is no harm in a casual coffee date. That was yesterday.

He is interesting, funny, intelligent. Oh, and he's cute. So now we wait to see what happens. It's nice to have the possibility of dating again. It's been over a year since my last relationship ended and that was really more a waste of time than anything else.

But, I guess if I really want it to happen, I simply have to ask.

One foot in front of the other

When I was a child, I used to run all the time. My favorite thing to do was run up and down the sidewalks that lined my street. I would run. I never jogged, I never walked. I only, always ran.

I even enjoyed the ache in my lungs when I pushed myself too hard, ran too fast.

But I don’t do that anymore. I don’t run.

As I write this, I am sitting at Copley Place in Boston. This is the kiosk that I was asked to apply, and as far as I know, have been hired to manage.

Morale is low, sales are low, and nothing is organized.

Enter Patti. I can organize an office space/kiosk in a day. I can boost morale. I can sell, train, retrain and rethink.

But I don’t want to.

The base pay is the same as in Danbury. The health benefits, the hours, the product… everything is the same.

It’s the same boring job, just somewhere new. So why then, should I move?

That, I believe, is a logical argument.

So why do I feel so miserable to make it?

I made lists of pros and cons: Danbury vs. Boston. Each time, they pretty much tied. One thing would cancel out another.

I don’t pay rent in Danbury, like I would have to in Boston.

Boston has a mass transit system, a good one and I could ditch my car and the insurance premiums, high gas prices and property taxes.

The Boston location is a bigger, better one than mine in Danbury. The possibility for more money is there, but I would have higher expenses. Rent, food, utilities… It adds up.

I have close friends in both cities. Laura is in Boston. I would love to live nearer to her.

But in the end, I don’t want to do it. It’s not that I can’t. I can. But I don’t want to. And if the situation is the same no matter where I go, why should I?

I can’t help wondering what my father would think. Would he be supportive? Or would he remember that I cried about HAVING to pass this up just a few weeks ago, because the money was better where I was?
“I thought you wanted to be in Boston. And the money might be better. You should go.”

Maybe I’m a freak. Maybe I am one of the apparent handful of people in this world who would rather struggle financially doing something I love than coast by on a million dollar paycheck forcing myself to go to work everyday.

When I decided to take the manager job in Danbury, it was hard. But my father said “You can take the pain now, or you can take it later. But you’re going to have to take it. The longer you put it off, the more it’s going to hurt.”

I agree. So why relocate to feel pain when I can stay where I am and feel it? I’ll probably feel it worse in Danbury.

And I don’t care.

I don’t want this. I know myself well enough to know that if I honestly don’t want to do something, I won’t do it. I’ll go through the motions well enough, for a while. But I will quickly burn out. I don’t want that.

So I am choosing to walk away from what could be a great opportunity because I know that I am not willing to fully pursue it.

I am walking away. I am calm and clear. I am not running.

A bit uneasy...

Yesterday was not a great day for sales at my location. Now, normally I would not expect a Monday to be great but there was a college fair in here and I had expected that people looking at colleges would also be looking at languages. Not so much.

But I did make a sale.

At 9:26, he walked up and proceeded to tell me what he wanted and how difficult it had been to order it over the phone.

I'm used to that. It doesn't bother me too much to listen to customers complain. In fact, he wasn't really complaining. It was more like he was just relaying information in an energetic yet boring fashion. It wasn't what he was saying that bothered me. It was his actions.

Before he started the story he took my hand and kissed it. Now, that's not something I'm cool with. EVER! The next five minutes were filled with hugs, calling me beautiful and proposing marriage in Portuguese. Ew.

Maybe he was drunk. Maybe he was high. Maybe he is just a creepy guy.

But now I've had to call Human Resources. It really made me uncomfortable and God forbid he comes back, I\'ll have already registered the problem through the proper channels. Mall Security wrote up a report and I even contacted the high school that ran the college fair to verify that creepy was not involved and was therefore a traveling creep.

I will more than likely have to give a physical description at some point. Honestly, my biggest fear is that this will become bigger than it actually is and I'll just end up feeling foolish for doing what the Employee Handbook advises and telling someone that someone else made me feel uncomfortable.