Suddenly I see...

Catch up

2009-01-20T22:35:00.000-05:00

I picked up my glasses last Friday. I haven’t worn glasses in a few years. I should have, but they were so very uncomfortable, I quit very shortly after I bought them. I could not get used to the vertigo, the peripheral vision, the fact that I had to wear them at the end of my nose like a perfect librarian stereotype if I wanted to read anything without straining my neck.

But, I finally gave in and went back to get my eyes checked. As I expected, two years of not wearing my glasses have worsened the astigmatism that was created by not wearing the pair before the last. Still, my vision is still good. +.75 and +1.25 is not a very strong prescription. In fact, is minimal. It is actually just enough to make me lose my balance if I turn my head too quickly; get dizzy if I read too long; and feel nauseous from the glasses-induced migraines. Wonderful. I can see clearly, I guess. It’s hard to believe, but it is actually hard to tell if I am seeing better or not.

Today is my twentieth day in a row without biting my nails. Of course, this means that the finger-picking habit has increased. Before, I did not have nails long or sharp enough to allow me to pick my fingers. Now I do and I am. I think it may be genetic. Both my parents and at least one sister have done it for as long as I can remember. It is painful, very. But for some odd reason, I continue to do it. This too, will pass.

I have posted my resume and qualifications on a new job site, reactivated my account on another and have applied to several jobs in the past three days. I need to move on. The plain truth of the matter is that I am burned out on retail. I never really liked it all that much. But it has been nine months with this company. When I was part-time, it wasn’t so bad. I was allowed a life. During the holidays, it did not bother me that I was working so hard. I knew it was worth it. But here we are in January and I am still fielding questions, emails and phone calls on my days off. As a manager, I am required to work 40 hours; 36 on the sales floor. So far, the least I have ever worked in a week is 41. Now there are new one on one calls; weekly conference calls; daily questions from staff and supervisors in addition to the 40 hours a week I am already working. It scares me a little to find myself looking for a new job in this economy. But it is more frightening trying to imagine staying put for even a few months more.

On the bright side, a few people to whom I have applied have responded and the dialogue continues to be positive. One can only hope that something good will come of this. I do my best to be patient, but that is not a virtue for which I am famous.

I have found several job ads for things in my field or at least related to my field. Right now, the total is six. However, I will continue to look for more until I land one.

Laura, Steve and I have decided to go forward with a small portion of a very large project without the request or permission of the people for whom we want to work. We have set a deadline of March 30 to prepare a few pieces in the hopes that our potential future employers will see what we can do in just a few short months and hire us on to complete the task.

I am anxiously counting down the days until my next trip to Toronto. Laura and I depart LaGuardia on 29 March and will spend a week there. It is 67 days away. Thus far, every countdown to Toronto has passed by in a blur. I can only hope that this too, will go by quickly.

The latest knitting project is coming along at a fairly good pace. It is a rather intricate pattern, unlike any I have ever done before and admittedly, I thought in the beginning that I was getting in way over my head. However, I am almost past the color pattern and will soon move on to the easier one color, knit and purl section of the scarf. I am actually most nervous about having to crochet the edges. I just taught myself to crochet last week. I suppose I do a well enough job of it, but I should probably practice a bit more before I attempt it for this project. It is, after all, a very special birthday present. Laura is making a present for the same person. She was going to knit mittens, something she has never done before, but instead has decided to make a cross stitch gift. I am so relieved. I know that it is childish, but a part of me didn’t want Laura to make a knit thing too. I was very much a three-year-old “Stop copying me!” I know; crazy.

100

2009-01-12T19:01:00.004-05:00

This is my 100th post on this blog. It seems fitting that I would hit that mark so early on in the new year.

The past 12 days of the year have been pretty good.

* I have not bitten my nails since 31 December 2008. Yes, I did a VERY little bit yesterday, but I stopped myself almost immediately and I still have a nail on my right thumb, so I am not counting it. On a related note, it is very hard to type with band-aids on my fingertips. There are there to prevent me from picking, which I now do more than ever.

* I have managed to go through my most recent financial screw up relatively calm. I had set up an automatic debit to my bank account and when it came out earlier than I expected along with several other bill payments, it resulted in my being overdrawn. This led to the bank fees. $35 PER overdraft. I was irate, I was nervous, I thought at one point that I would be sick. However, within 20 minutes I had managed to calm myself down and come up with a game plan. By day's end I had even comes to terms with the possibility that the bank that charged my early would probably never return to me ANY of the fees I incurred because of their mistake. I am not thrilled to be out sop much money, but when I think on how terrible it could be, I don't feel so bad.

* I have finally figured out how to do my latest knitting project. I had started it several times and each time, I would mess it up, miss a stitch, leave a hole. Finally, last night, I got it. Thank goodness. It is going to take me a while, and Sharon's birthday is 31 March.

* As you probably already know, I cannot get enough of Toronto. I love it there. I love it so much that I almost don't mind the 13 hour drive there. Note: I said "almost". I would actually prefer NOT to be in a car for such a long time, forced to eat whatever one can find at rest stops that somehow remotely resembles food. I know that I could pack food ahead of time, but often, that is more hassle. Also, it seems that the majority of my trips have not been on a pay week. If I have to pay for gas, rental car, tolls... there isn't much left over for real food. I digress. Laura traveled to Toronto in August for my birthday. We ended up saying it was for both of us as I felt horrible asking her to spend so much money on a trip for me. But, Laura's birthday is in March. That means another pilgrimage to Toronto. This time we are flying. I managed to find us some pretty cheap tickets. It made sense to fly. Lord only knows how long it would take us to drive 475 miles in even remotely less than ideal road conditions. We fly out of LaGuardia on 29 March in the early morning.

* Mom asked me what I wanted to Christmas this year. For a while I have given out a list of charities that are important to me and have asked for donations in my name. But this year, I asked her for money towards a Passport. It's sad that I haven't needed one up until this point. I am 26, after all. I have seen so little of the world. Maybe now that can change.

* I am still keeping my fingers crossed for a new job some where in my actual field. It isn't that I don't enjoy my current line of work. But it is a job, not a career. And I am growing tired of coming to work in a mall. It just sucks the life out of me.

* I am working as an Assistant Leader? Leader? with Karol's Girl Scout Troop. So far, I have only been to two meetings, but I have enjoyed myself each time. Also, it is wonderful to get to hang out with Karol afterwards.

* The application to The Graduate Centre for Study of Drama and the University of Toronto is almost complete. I am not exactly sure why I want a Master's degree. I don't think it matter right now. I can find better jobs with it, but there is a part of me that thinks I should be more gung-ho about finding money to go. Of course, another part of me is sure it is because I wasn't accepted last year that I haven't gone crazy searching for scholarships. I am sure that if I do get accepted, I will defer for a year, so I can find money to go. So I guess I should take the fact that the majority of people I asked for references responded immediately and emphatically "yes" as a clue that I should not question my initial decision.

* On the dating scene, there is not much to report. I am looking but not as actively as maybe I should.

* I am planning to join the YMCA soon. There is a Yogalaties class I really want to take and it would be nice to go and work out in the free-weight room or in the pool for a few hours a week. I need to take better care of myself. I am tired of looking at my friends and realizing that I am bigger than most of them. It isn't that I hate my body, I don't. But I am not in love with parts of my physique and I want to change it. Karol and I are going to a yoga class seminar in a few weeks. 3 hours of different teachers and techniques to help you decide which kind works best for you. I think it might be just the thing to kick me butt into gear.

Okay, I have to stop. It is annoying to type with band-aids on my fingers. I have had to fix so many spelling errors, it isn't funny.

Oh! How I have forsaken thee!

2009-01-03T19:46:00.002-05:00

I remember a phrase from a prayer I recited every afternoon from First through Eighth Grade.

"I am heartily sorry for having offended thee..."

I always found it rather amusing that it almost sounded like "hardly sorry" as if I were saying "oh, you don't like what I did today? Tough. It's called free will, deal with it."

But, in this instance, I am sorry.

I do not mean to make excuses, but I was busy. Working retail does not usually allow for much down time. I would often return home mentally fuzzy and physically drained. And with all the extra little projects I had to complete, I was pressed for time.

I offer now a recap of the last two months.

November was, for the most part, uneventful. You may recall reading about a certain tall, funny, cute, intelligent and interesting guy I had met and was seeing. All was going well. However, after only one date which consisted of great and often hilarious conversation over a delicious dinner and a James Bond movie I was surprised to find I actually liked, I never heard from him again. I made two separate attempts to contact him but it seems that he has fallen off the face of the Earth. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bummed, but I suppose it is better to see someone for who they really are early on. At least I did not end up wasting a ridiculous amount of time.

The weekend before Thanksgiving, Laura visited from Boston and we spent an entire day baking Holiday cookies and Hot Chocolate mix for care packages. A few days later, I was at the Post Office, mailing out sweet treats to Sharon, Lois, Bram and Steve. I had also included a birthday gift for Bram from Laura, Steve and me; and a scarf and hat for Ruth, Bram's wife. We had learned in August that she was sick and we thought that we would make a scarf together. When it was finally finished, I had enough yarn left over to make a hat. I was thrilled to hear from Bram that he liked his Gold Pocket Watch and that Ruth was touched by the warm gifts for her. I have now heard from all cookie recipients and apparently, Laura and I know our way around sugar and butterscotch chips.

December included MORE knitting. In two short months, I knit three hats and 1.5 scarves. My figures ached a little as I finished the last bit, but the look on Laura's face when she saw the scarf for which she had unknowingly picked colors, made it all worth it. I am now waiting for 12 skeins of yarn to come in the mail so I can start my next bog project. I have only until late March to finish and, while I know I can get it done, it will be a long process.

Of course, my knitting will not compete for my time now as it did during the Holidays. December retail is nothing if not fast-paced and crazy. But, in the end I was glad that we made it through. My kiosk was one of three in the North East Region to make goal. Personally, I sold just over $23,000. And I used to say I would never do well working on a commission.

Christmas was quiet. Laura was again visiting for a few days and we drove around the area, not really doing anything and enjoying that we did not have to. It was a welcome rest.

Now, the new year has arrived and I feel ready to face it.

2008 was a good year for me and I am determined to make 2009 even better.

I have gone the entire year (so far) without biting my nails, something I have done and tried to quit for years.

I have set a date for my next excursion to Toronto and this time I am flying in.

I have sent emails and started plans for a big project that may result in my having a career I love in a city I adore rather than I job I need in a city I can afford.

And, what is maybe the best. I am not alone in these goals. I have partners in these endeavours who want to succeed just as badly as I do and who are just as hell-bent on getting where they want to get.

I am excited and I am primed. Bring it on 2009!

So far, so good!

Look what the wind blew in

2008-12-19T17:50:00.003-05:00

A lovely gust of winter!

It is finally snowing. Unfortunately, this first snow of any merit to hit the area came on a day I had to work. I am currently stuck here at work waiting for permission to close early. Of the eight kiosks in my row, I am one of three open. Five actual stores, of the the twelve in this section are still open for business.

No one is doing any business, but we are still here, just in case.

I have already received advice from several friends and random people on their way home to "Be careful" when I drive home... whenever that is.

I will be careful.

I am quite bored right now.

I could get used to this

2008-11-03T11:00:00.002-05:00

When I was child, I wanted so badly to meet Sharon, Lois and Bram. They were so special to me, I wanted to see them up close and somehow get the courage to say hello. I would anything for that chance.

I got that chance in May. A lot I asked for came true then.

I met Sharon, Lois and Bram. I spoke with Sharon, casually over coffee.

I made friends whom I love and respect. I know they feel the same things for me.

I have wanted to find a place to call home for a very long time. I can't really be sure until I try it, but I am pretty sure that Toronto is it.

I casually mentioned that I wanted a pair of elephant stud earrings and there they were, at a random street vendor.

Since then, I have needed more money and got promoted. I have wanted to help Sharon, Lois and Bram re-work their website and when I mentioned that to Lois in October, she said that we (Laura, Steve and I) should send our ideas to her and she would pass them along. Last weekend, I went to NYC with April. We'd been promising to go for a while. It was a pretty nice time. I showed her around my old neighborhoods and we talked. I told her that I was tired of just being contented at work. I want a different job. I mentioned that I wasn't miserable though, so would it be foolish to want to have someone else in my life, albeit casually at first?

I would really like a new job, fit to my qualifications and interests; and a boyfriend.

That's not really all too much to ask.

Well, I guess this ask-and-you-shall-receive idea really does work.

Two weeks ago, I sent my resume to Hartford Children's Theatre, applying for a position they had posted. I got an email the next day informing me that the position was filled but I might be interested in another. I was to check it out and get back to them. I did a little research and found this job was even better than the first. I wrote back and said that I would be interested. A week went by and I heard nothing. I wrote again, "Do you need any additional information from me?" and got a reply to send my resume again. I am still waiting to see how this one turns out. I have a phone interview tomorrow with a Boston-based company. It will more than likely be a part-time position. I'd be teaching theatre after school through an outdoor education program. They may be branching into Connecticut soon. No one is sure of anything except that they liked my resume I sent this summer and they want to speak with me.

Great.

Last week I got a message that someone online had seen my dating profile and written me. Yes, I am an online dater. I'm on one site. It's very casual. Anyone who is rude of offensive gets deleted and no one pays for anything. It's great. I figured, why not?

The message was short, but interesting, so I responded. We talked for a few days and on Friday, he asked if we could meet. I was going o suggest it anyway, so I agreed. There is no harm in a casual coffee date. That was yesterday.

He is interesting, funny, intelligent. Oh, and he's cute. So now we wait to see what happens. It's nice to have the possibility of dating again. It's been over a year since my last relationship ended and that was really more a waste of time than anything else.

But, I guess if I really want it to happen, I simply have to ask.

One foot in front of the other

2008-10-30T11:43:00.000-04:00

When I was a child, I used to run all the time. My favorite thing to do was run up and down the sidewalks that lined my street. I would run. I never jogged, I never walked. I only, always ran.

I even enjoyed the ache in my lungs when I pushed myself too hard, ran too fast.

But I don’t do that anymore. I don’t run.

As I write this, I am sitting at Copley Place in Boston. This is the kiosk that I was asked to apply, and as far as I know, have been hired to manage.

Morale is low, sales are low, and nothing is organized.

Enter Patti. I can organize an office space/kiosk in a day. I can boost morale. I can sell, train, retrain and rethink.

But I don’t want to.

The base pay is the same as in Danbury. The health benefits, the hours, the product… everything is the same.

It’s the same boring job, just somewhere new. So why then, should I move?

That, I believe, is a logical argument.

So why do I feel so miserable to make it?

I made lists of pros and cons: Danbury vs. Boston. Each time, they pretty much tied. One thing would cancel out another.

I don’t pay rent in Danbury, like I would have to in Boston.

Boston has a mass transit system, a good one and I could ditch my car and the insurance premiums, high gas prices and property taxes.

The Boston location is a bigger, better one than mine in Danbury. The possibility for more money is there, but I would have higher expenses. Rent, food, utilities… It adds up.

I have close friends in both cities. Laura is in Boston. I would love to live nearer to her.

But in the end, I don’t want to do it. It’s not that I can’t. I can. But I don’t want to. And if the situation is the same no matter where I go, why should I?

I can’t help wondering what my father would think. Would he be supportive? Or would he remember that I cried about HAVING to pass this up just a few weeks ago, because the money was better where I was?
“I thought you wanted to be in Boston. And the money might be better. You should go.”

Maybe I’m a freak. Maybe I am one of the apparent handful of people in this world who would rather struggle financially doing something I love than coast by on a million dollar paycheck forcing myself to go to work everyday.

When I decided to take the manager job in Danbury, it was hard. But my father said “You can take the pain now, or you can take it later. But you’re going to have to take it. The longer you put it off, the more it’s going to hurt.”

I agree. So why relocate to feel pain when I can stay where I am and feel it? I’ll probably feel it worse in Danbury.

And I don’t care.

I don’t want this. I know myself well enough to know that if I honestly don’t want to do something, I won’t do it. I’ll go through the motions well enough, for a while. But I will quickly burn out. I don’t want that.

So I am choosing to walk away from what could be a great opportunity because I know that I am not willing to fully pursue it.

I am walking away. I am calm and clear. I am not running.

A bit uneasy...

2008-10-21T11:50:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was not a great day for sales at my location. Now, normally I would not expect a Monday to be great but there was a college fair in here and I had expected that people looking at colleges would also be looking at languages. Not so much.

But I did make a sale.

At 9:26, he walked up and proceeded to tell me what he wanted and how difficult it had been to order it over the phone.

I'm used to that. It doesn't bother me too much to listen to customers complain. In fact, he wasn't really complaining. It was more like he was just relaying information in an energetic yet boring fashion. It wasn't what he was saying that bothered me. It was his actions.

Before he started the story he took my hand and kissed it. Now, that's not something I'm cool with. EVER! The next five minutes were filled with hugs, calling me beautiful and proposing marriage in Portuguese. Ew.

Maybe he was drunk. Maybe he was high. Maybe he is just a creepy guy.

But now I've had to call Human Resources. It really made me uncomfortable and God forbid he comes back, I\'ll have already registered the problem through the proper channels. Mall Security wrote up a report and I even contacted the high school that ran the college fair to verify that creepy was not involved and was therefore a traveling creep.

I will more than likely have to give a physical description at some point. Honestly, my biggest fear is that this will become bigger than it actually is and I'll just end up feeling foolish for doing what the Employee Handbook advises and telling someone that someone else made me feel uncomfortable.

Busy, busy, busy

2008-10-20T18:27:00.002-04:00

There's lots to do right now.

Steve, Laura and I have taken on a major project. We haven't gotten the "go ahead" yet, but we are starting on it anyway. We figure we might not hear anything for a few months and it is probably a better idea to try to get some things done now.

But now I am working on lesson plans.

A lot of them.

Oy.

Imagine the possibilities

2008-10-17T16:43:00.002-04:00

I spoke to Laura today. Whenever I am feeling low, she manages to cheer me up. We talk everyday, at least twice. When good things happen, she is the first person I call. I know she'll be there. I know she'll listen. I know she's interested and not just out of friendly obligation.

So I am feeling a little better now. I am exhausted, but at least not so depressed.

While on the phone, I made a realization/decision. A few days ago my District Manager called me and asked if I was still interested in moving to Boston. If you recall, I was offered a job that I can't have right now because it isn't available yet. But there might be an opening at the end of November and she wanted to see if I wanted it or not.

I said that I would consider it and that I'd like to hear more about it later as information came to her. Good move.

I had thought that I might ultimately say no. I don't want to jinx anything, but there is a possibility that I might get to move to Toronto sooner rather than later and I wouldn't want to take a job I'd have to vacate after a month or two. But it wouldn't make sense to pass on a chance to wait for something with no guarantee. Besides, I could use a change of scenery.

I'm not exactly sure how it'll all work. How I can expect to move to Boston, start working, find an apartment, move in... It's a lot. There are still people I can contact to whom I spoke when I originally made the decision to move. Some of them have fairly inexpensive rooms available. One in particular sounds promising.

So we'll see. A lot is up in the air right now and in a few weeks I'll know better what is going on. Until then, I am praying that what I really want to happen, does and that everything else goes by.

sigh

2008-10-17T13:29:00.002-04:00

This one isn't so positive. I apologize in advance. I'm tired.

Just like last time, I have still yet to write about my trip to Toronto. Lots of great things happened, more are possibly on the way and yet, I don't talk about it. It's special. I want to keep it secret. I want to keep it safe. I want to see the looks on my friends' faces when I tell them.

But today, I am tired.

I am so ready to move on. I am so ready to be done with the things in my life that I don't like. I know, this is nothing spectacular. People go through this everyday. It's called being an adult, or at least, a grown up. Like I've said before, I am taking the pain now as opposed to later. I wasn't too thrilled about it in the beginning and now, it's a little more than I feel like facing.

Even as I write this, I know that I should just shut up. It will pass and I'll feel better.

Eventually.

Maybe as soon as January. Maybe it won't be until March. That's not very long. But when you feel stuck and you have for a while, even one more week seems endless.

I am getting there

2008-10-09T21:18:00.002-04:00

I had trouble sleeping last night. It's not from the congestion still in my head and now my chest from the most recent allergy attack. It was not due to the aches and pains caused by three consecutive twelve hour shifts at work.

No.

I was excited about today. And, admittedly, a little nervous.

This morning I rose, oddly well rested, and proceeded to pack my weekend bag (Ok, suitcase, I don't have a weekend bag) and after a shower and a cup of coffee, I headed North on I-84 until it met with I-90. I was planning on getting to Laura's place by 2 in the afternoon. But that did not happen.

Yesterday my sister mentioned to me that my car was making funny noises. I am used to that. The car needs new struts, so it doesn't really bother me to hear proof of that. But this afternoon will driving I noticed new things amiss.

There was another strange clanging coming from the undercarriage. This was new. My gas pedal felt less resistant to pressure but oddly enough this did not result in the car moving faster. And then my brakes went "mushy". That's not my word, it was given to me b the State Policeman who I called for a tow truck. Like I said, I was was on I-90. Some companies do not allow their tow trucks on toll roads. So I was unable to use MY included-in-my-car-insurance-policy Roadside Assistance.

I paid $75 out of pocket for the tow and I was quite nervous about the entire situation. In the past I have had MAJOR difficulty dealing with stressful situations. I can admit that. But I have gotten better at remaining some form of calm. I didn't do too well today. I mean, I was driving the car and the brakes failed. Stressful.

I called Laura. I was roaming and I could not get through to my father and I needed to talk to him. I was scared. How will I get the car out of Massachusetts and back to Danbury without risking my neck?

You may recall that I have had several fixes done on my car already.

*New Emergency Brake Cable
*New Rear Right Brake Shoe

So why then did the brakes on the right rear wheel "explode"? Again, not my word. That was the mechanic who said that.

So now Annie sits at Ted's of Fayville needing another $200 of repairs. My District Manager has offered to drive me back to CT when she drives down to NY. I may end up leaving Annie at Ted's until next week and THEN going back to get her next week. You know, AFTER my paycheck gets directly deposited into my checking account.

I don't really know.

And right now, with Toronto only 18 hours away, I don't really care.

Tick... tick... tick... tick....

2008-10-06T11:35:00.002-04:00

We are now less than a month away from a MAJOR event in this country.

Tuesday, 4 November 2008. Election Day.

Finally we have another shot to make our voices heard in Washington. Now, these past few years I have had difficulty with the political circus.

Eight years of the Bush regime, yes, regime, have saddened and exhausted me. I have watched things go from bad to worse to how did it ever get this far? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I am.

There are things that are important to me.

Education (Don't tell me No Child Left Behind worked. It failed. Miserably)

Environment. Yes, we need to find something other than oil to heat our homes and power our cars. We've known this for decades.

Economy. It's funny that the President actually thought that giving people with money MORE money would somehow benefit me and other people like me who live below the poverty line. I've got more bills and less money with which to pay them now. So, don't think that the "Trickle Down Theory" will work. It won't. I'd like you all to remember that it was Clinton, the tax and spend Liberal, who balanced the budget and gave us a 200 BILLION DOLLAR surplus. Now we are 550 BILLION in the hole and just bailed out Wall St for another 700 BILLION. Gee, I think George needs a new calculator.

Gay rights. Homosexuals are humans and citizens just like every Right-Wing Conservative who wants to deny them their rights as such. You know, you don't have to condone or even LIKE homosexuality. But since when does reading the Bible and praying everyday make you God? It doesn't. You do not have the right or the responsibility to judge other people. It says so in that Good Book of yours. You can be a good Christian without hating gays. In fact, you'd be a better one. In addition, you might want to try to remember that this is not a Christian nation. We are all different here. Demanding that everyone live according to the rules and religion that you have accepted in disgusting. Oh, it's stupid too.

Women's rights. Ok. I am not advocating abortion here. I don't really like it either. Frankly, I feel that it has gotten out of hand and is being used as a form of Birth Control FAR TOO OFTEN. However, it is not my place as a woman to tell other women what to do with their bodies. It is not Congress' place either. Again, you don't have to like it. You can be against it because of your religion, that is okay. But you CAN'T say that women can't choose because you think it will make God angry. People make mistakes and poor choices. God knows that. He made us that way. He isn't an idiot. I am sure he can figure out what to do about it. I wouldn't worry, I doubt it'll be a plague of locusts. It may be a melting planet though. Maybe you should pay attention.

The War in Iraq. We never should have gone in. I do support our troops. I want them home. There is no reason for them to be in Iraq.

Health Care. I have a job that provides health care to me for $50 a month. I am one of the lucky few. Up until this point I wasn't covered. If I got sick, I had to take extra Vitamin C and pray that I didn't have something serious. I had to go to work when I should have stayed home and rested up because I could not afford to take the time off. I wasn't on the Single Payer plan I am on now. It was more like a Single Prayer Plan. Please God, don't let me get sick. Children are dying from diseases we can prevent. Women are dying of Breast Cancer, a disease with an over 98% survival rate if caught early enough, because they can't afford the treatment they need to survive.

You may ask where I'm going with this. If you recall, I supported Hillary Clinton. I felt she was the best chance we had of defeating the Republicans and actually fixing the problems in Washington that are getting in the way of this country being as great as some people think it is.

However, Hillary didn't run as great a campaign as Obama did and he won the nomination. I feel he made a HUGE mistake asking Biden to be his VP and not Clinton. However, I still know that Obama/Biden is better than McCain/Palin.

Please, don't hurt this country further by voting Republican. They are bad for this country. They are behind the times. They do not understand the hardships that so many people in this country are facing.

On Election Day, go out and vote DEMOCRAT. It is our only chance of fixing the mess that George W. Bush and his lying, scheming, war-hungry cronies created.

VOTE DEMOCRAT OR DON'T VOTE.

I'm Patti Azzara and I approve this message.

It's that time of year again...

2008-10-04T11:40:00.002-04:00

Believe it or not, the holidays are almost here.

In the retail world, the holidays start in mid - late October. Of course, it's not until mid - late November that things really start buzzing, but it'll be soon.

I always think about Christmas. I shop early, so I don't mind it. I have already figured out a few presents for people. Some I had in mind as early as May.

I buy cool stuff. It is my mission to buy clothes for my nieces and nephews that they might not get otherwise. I will admit, when Lainee was little, I bought her a tartan plaid jumper with leopard print trim because I thought that it might make people do a double take. Leopard trim? She's a toddler? I loved it. Leopard trim and tie-dye. I am a cool aunt.

So now I am actively browsing the mall while at work. Would April like that? Would that look cute on Laura? It that a thoughtful gift for Bern or a hilarious gift for Karol? Should I get something for Sharon even though she keeps telling me I have to stop? And the question with which I struggle every year: what the hell do I get for my brother-in-law? I'm serious. I want to get him something nice, but my sister always says something like "Oh, he needs new razor cartridges." Um. Boring! That's worse than socks.

I have thought of a few things that I would like. No, I don't want anyone to go out and get them for me. They are a little pricey. These are gifts I would like to get at some point, for myself. A new leather handbag, a bracelet, an awesome stereo that plays CDs, tapes and LPs. Too cool. And a guitar. That's probably the hard one. I can't just order one. I need to know that it's comfortable and that I like it. Just any guitar won't do and I will never again make the mistake of ordering one from a catalog. Those are junk.

I just thought I would share.

I have decided

2008-10-02T14:57:00.002-04:00

Instead of dwelling on the negative, I am going to look forward to the positive.

It might be difficult to get used to, but I am willing to try.

For example: last month was hell. I really struggled. My sales were down, my bills were high. My nerves were raw.

But that was last month. It's over now. There will never again be another September 2008. Ever. It's October and it will be better. Already my sales are up, my finances are stable and I feel way less stressed. Yes, I am still getting used to my job. I am still working out training and trying to figure out how I am going to make certain things work, but I'm not freaking out about it and that is a step in the right direction.

I am a week away from a long weekend with Laura and Steve. I drive up to Boston on Thursday and then Laura and I meet up with Steve in Toronto Friday afternoon. Saturday is a concert in Huntsville, Ontario with Sharon and Bram; Sunday we might go to the islands (I would love to do a fall picnic) and Monday Laura and I head back to Boston. I get back to Danbury on Tuesday and go back to work on Wednesday. I am looking forward to it like you would not believe.

I have decided that at some point I am going to go off on my own for maybe an hour and just walk and think. I don't often get time alone that I don't waste. Listening to music is wonderful, and while I love it, I often feel like I could have or should have accomplished something more. Though sometimes working up a sweat to ABBA Gold is exactly what I need.

You know, it's interesting. A few weeks ago, Dad was over at the house, helping me figure out my budget. I was stressed out and tired. It was then that I decided to take the promotion and delay the move to Boston. It was a difficult decision that I didn't want to make. But Dad said "You can take the pain now, or you can take it later. But either way, you're going to have to take it."

September was pain. And while I am still living in Danbury, CT, still working retail, still delaying moving on, I am doing so without regret. And really, spring 2009 isn't all that far away. And if I play my cards right, it'll go off better than expected.

See? Think positive.

I know

2008-09-30T18:55:00.002-04:00

I haven't blogged all that much lately.

This job has me so aggravated I have nothing to say that won't sound bratty.

I hope it changes.

Almost...

2008-09-25T18:08:00.004-04:00

I am starting to get the hang of this being a manager thing. It was a little trial by fire this week though. It's not a big deal, it's just that I was promoted at, quite possibly, the most inopportune time.

Oh, the dreaded Human Resources Audit! Everyone on staff at this location had at least one missing form or file.

Oh well, it is getting better all the time.

More later.

The first day

2008-09-21T16:01:00.003-04:00

Today is the first day of autumn.

I love the fall.

The colors, foods and smells make up for the fact that I usually get horrible allergy attacks.

It's nice.

Happy Fall.

The last day

2008-09-21T15:43:00.003-04:00

Today is an important day.

Today, Sunday 21 September 2008 is the last day.

My last day... as a Sales Associate with Rosetta Stone. My promotion to manager is official tomorrow morning.

I should be excited. But I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that I will finally be making a living wage. I can finally afford to pay my bills, all of them, and set money aside for the future. It's going to feel pretty good knowing that I can take care of myself and pay back the people who took care of me for so long.

And in just one month from tomorrow I have Health Care. That's right. I can go to the doctor as soon as I feel sick, not after a week of not being able to shake it. I can go to the dentist; get new glasses; even talk to someone about my feeling a little depressed lately and not have to worry about how I'll ever afford it.

I know that time flies when you're having fun. Hopefully that goes for when you're feeling relaxed too. I have noticed that vacations seem to fly by while a week at work can be endless. Regardless, it might work out that feeling financially secure combined with the craziness that is the holiday season (which is upon us) will result in my waking up one morning to find that it's March and I am only a few weeks away from moving to Boston.

One can only hope.

So tomorrow I will show up to work at 9:30 and sift through training tutorials and emails from my boss. I will work on some training and ask a million questions. I will work for six hours and then head home.

I'm a little nervous I won't figure everything out or know how to fix the mistakes of people before me.

But... I suppose that I'll know all of that tomorrow.

Sigh...

2008-09-18T11:05:00.007-04:00

This has been weighing on me for a while now.

A few months ago Laura and I were thrilled to learn that Paul wanted to join us in recording a children's album.

"We could be Patti, Laura and Paul." he said.

Well, a duo with Laura was exciting but a TRIO was fantastic.

But now, Paul is out. And I'm disappointed.

It's a very long story so I'll just say that he wasn't comfortable.

I suppose it's for the best. He didn't seem to want to participate as much as he had originally indicated. Again, long story as to why.

Laura and I are still going forward, slowly. Once I move up to Boston we'll be able to work together and create a strong group. We'll probably look for a guy too. It's just better that way. Having a male voice creates a lot more musical opportunities. Besides, there are a lot of duos out there. There aren't many trios. Come to think of it, there are a lot of quartets but not so many quintets.

What's so great about even numbers?

Still, it's a little irritating. I set up email accounts and websites; contacted recording studios, accountants, tax attorneys, IRS Revenue Agents, etc...

It's a lot of work to just throw it away.

An Ordinary Miracle

2008-09-18T11:05:00.003-04:00

I have not been loving this month. Not at all.

Bills are just extremely tight right now. My promotion goes through in four days and I'll see that first manager's pay check the first Friday in October. Until then, it's a little difficult.

I have somehow figured out how to pay:

Student loan installment
Credit Card
Gasoline
Emissions
Re-registration of car
Car repair to avoid failing aforementioned emissions test
Cell phone
Property tax
and non-essentials like food.

But I have budgeted out the last nickel. So the next few weeks are going to be uncomfortable and annoying.

At least the month is half over already.

I am so ready for a break.

Ok

2008-09-17T21:54:00.008-04:00

You know, I wanted to post more about my trip to Toronto. But... not much happened.

That's Steve, Laura and me. This was taken outside Mother's Dumplings. Sharon recommended it. I wasn't too fond of it but the company was good.

Me and Sharon. Taken after ice cream, conversation and lots of laughs at Hollywood Gelato.

Steve, Me and Laura at the Centre Island Ferry Docks. We're facing south. You can tell because the CN Tower is behind us.

Strike that, Reverse it.

2008-09-10T13:04:00.002-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to announce that the move to Boston if off. Well, postponed.

I had planned to head up on the 29th and stay with Laura until I got settled. However when my boss offered me a promotion where I am, I realized that it would be stupid and irresponsible to turn it down.

So I am staying in Danbury until March or April of 2009.

That's not that bad.

It's better this way, really. I can pay my bills down so they don't follow me when I move and I must admit that I was afraid of that happening. This way, when I move, I can be more prepared and ready for the undertaking. Who knows, I might even score a better apartment as a result.

So that's that. I am actually relieved despite my disappointment. And I am a little nervous about what managing the kiosk will involve. But I honestly feel that I'll do well. Besides, even if I hate it... it's only 8 months.

The first little bit...

2008-09-05T22:59:00.007-04:00

Toronto with Laura consisted of a lot of walking. We walked everywhere.

It's not because we didn't understand, or could not afford the mass transit system. On the contrary, we used it often. But we both enjoyed walking, getting to know neighborhoods and seeing little cafes and shops that we would otherwise miss if we took the streetcar. Of course, some places we saw from the streetcar. For example illy is a cute, modern cafe that has really delicious and actually reasonably prices crepes. I got the strawberry cheese one. It was so good. I will admit I was a little scared about a crepe with strawberry jam and mozzarella cheese. But I was pleasantly surprised by how delicious it was.

Anyway. We walked. A lot. Now, it's not that I didn't bring sneakers, I did. But I never wore them. They simply were not comfortable. So I wore flip flops for the majority of my stay. It was Wednesday by the time I had managed to find a pair that were better suited to long walks. It's a harder rubber with arch supports. I was quite pleased. I got some blisters breaking them in but that's okay. My main complaint was that the only available pair were bright rain-slicker yellow. Again, whatever. At least wearing them I didn't come home looking like a homeless ragamuffin.

This is what will happen to your feet if you walk around Toronto all day in flip flops.

Ew. So now you know about that. I hope you're happy.

More to come. I promise.

Why did this take me so long?

2008-09-05T02:10:00.002-04:00

When Laura and I were in Toronto, we met up for ice cream with Sharon. It was a lovely time. But Sharon mentioned that Bram's wife, Ruth Morrison, was ill. I asked for clarification.

"Like head-cold sick or really sick?"

"She's pretty sick."

I am not sure how many readers I have. I only know of a few. But I hope that posting this prayer request will help. Who knows? My few readers could tell their friends, and they could tell their friends...

You see where I'm going with this, right?

I don't know what kind of sick Ruth is. Frankly, I don't think it matters.

Please pray for her and Bram.

Thank you.

this is really happening...

2008-09-01T11:56:00.002-04:00

isn't it?

Well. It is September 1.

Wow.

I know what you're thinking: "Wow? Really? What's so WOW about September 1?"

Okay, I'll tell you.

This is it. I am no longer able to say that I will be heading up to Boston "Next month". Now it is this month. Frankly, that's a little scary. I'm nervous just talking about it.

I will be driving up on the 29th. That's 28 days. 4 weeks.

Wow.

Laura and her roommates have offered me a couch for a few weeks (hopefully no more than 2) while I finalize an apartment, a job and a move that will hopefully include my father driving the u-haul up instead of me. We'll see. I'll bet he'll do it if I ask nicely and pay for it.

But it's really freaky. And, while I know it'll be fine, there is part me that is not so sure.

I know that this is good for me. I have needed a change of scene for a long time. Boston seems the most logical place to go. I have some friends there. There are more jobs there. It's bigger, so I am allowed more anonymity. I know that I will do a lot of that growing up I've heard so much about. Maybe that's why I'm scared. Maybe that and something else.

I had called my District Manager and asked for a transfer. I figured I would work at one or all of the three locations we have in the Boston Area. However, she mentioned that there was a new location going into Logan International Airport and she wanted me to manage it. I wasn't thrilled, mind you, by the thought of a full-time retail job, but I did like the idea of making enough money to pay my bills every month.

But when I didn't hear back from her, I got a little worried. Was I being promoted or not? So I called and asked.

"Well, Patti, we're not sure now."

The location was supposed to open in September, but by the time I had heard about it they had already pushed it to October. Now, we don't know when it is going in. If it doesn't open by late November, it won't go in until March. So I have some more job hunting to do.

Granted, I was planning on coming into Boston with a part-time retail job in the beginning. But I always knew that it wouldn't be enough. I have a very short amount of time in which to find gainful employment or I will have to go back to Danbury. The money isn't better there by a long shot, but the rent is lower.

I have sent out emails, resumes, cover letters... Tomorrow I can call around to people I've already contacted and ask for interviews. I figure that way, even if there aren't jobs available now, if one opens up for which I am qualified, I will be one step closer to it. There is always the possibility of simply asking for a job that doesn't exist yet just to see if it works.

But for now, I wait and I wonder.

What am I getting myself into?

odd

2008-08-31T11:04:00.002-04:00

I think it's pretty interesting that I had such a good time on vacation and I have still yet to blog about it. I meant to do it while I was there. But for some reason, I didn't. I would try but I couldn't write it down.

Now, it's almost as if I don't want to. I do want to share my experiences, but I really don't feel like putting in the effort. I am sure that eventually I will come around.

p

I'm getting there.

2008-08-30T19:01:00.001-04:00

Come hell or high water, I will make it home.

It's more than that

2008-08-23T18:38:00.002-04:00

I sell language learning software. Yes, I am one of those people sitting at a kiosk in the mall, waiting to sell one piece of product.

The other day, a guy came by and asked to look at the Japanese program. I happily obliged. At one point he said something interesting. We got something wrong. Not a word, but a custom. In Japan it is considered rude to say "thank you" if someone compliments you. It's expected that you will be polite and modest. I didn't know that. The software program has it so that a compliment is followed by a "thank you".

It got me thinking about how we are all so different culturally. It's interesting.

Another prime example just presented itself to me. The person who works at the kiosk next to mine is Jewish. It's important to the story that you know. He came up, made a little polite conversation and then asked if I was Jewish myself.

"No, I'm not Jewish" I replied. Meanwhile I was thinking, why would he ask? I'm not wearing my Star of David bracelet. Hmmmm..

So I continued "That's a random question."

He said that he asked because it's Saturday and I am wearing a skirt and long sleeves.

I decided to wear a skirt today because it is really comfortable. It gets cold in the mall, so I am wearing a light-weight turtleneck.

"It's Saturday, and women leaving the Synagogue would be wearing what you're wearing. If it were Sunday, I never would have asked."

Ok. I'm not offended, but I am a little put off. Frankly, I think it's a but rude to come out and ask what religion someone is. I was raised to think of a person's faith as a private matter. If they shared it with me, fine, but I was not to go and seek out information.

Maybe it's that we live in a society so concerned about being politically correct, we forget that sometimes people want to talk to each other.

I'm Baaaaack!

2008-08-23T17:42:00.000-04:00

Vacation was wonderful! I will be posting lots of news soon!

Happy now?

2008-08-02T21:20:00.002-04:00

Nothing too interesting has happened lately. But people have sent me emails, asking if I'm dead or if it hurt when I fell off the face of the earth.

Rest assured, I am very much alive.

Patti

PS: I don't know for sure, but I assume it would be painful.

Hmmm...

2008-07-19T10:46:00.002-04:00

I am tired.

I've been tired for an entire week and frankly, I'm tired of it. Every day this week I have barely been able to pull myself out of bed by 8 am, so I can leave the house at 8:30.

I try to sleep. I can't.

I'm anxious.

Yesterday, I had an absolute breakdown at camp. It has been a long four week session. I hurt my arm on Wednesday and it's been bothering me ever since. When a co-worker, in an attempt to participate in the afternoon sing-a-long, put her "hand on the shoulder of the person next to" her, she did it a little too hard and I was back at the nurse with an ice pack on my arm. I sat there of about 20 minutes. I would have left the office sooner and gone back to the pavilion, out of fear that sitting with the nurse any longer would result in tears, but my boss came in and needed to talk to me. He wanted to make sure that I was getting proper medical attention.

"I can't. I don't have insurance."

I said that I could probably fix the problem with regular visits to a chiropractor, but that too, ain't cheap. I would need to find another doctor first as I am no longer comfortable seeing my most recent one. I don't want to risk being sued for libel, so I'll just say that I didn't like the experience. I did sometimes feel better physically, but emotionally, I was raw. A doctor should not be the cause of that in my opinion.

Anyway, a new doctor would require a consultation, x-rays, and regular visits. One visit alone can cost $50. I would probably be told to come in every other week, MINIMUM. That's at least another $100 in expenses. I can't afford that. My boss said that if I thought it would help, I should go.

"A trip to the chiropractor isn't that expensive."

"Yeah, but $50 is a lot, when I only have ten."

See?

So I ended up sitting in the nurse a little longer because I hurt my arm further when I showed that I could move both without difficulty. I actually couldn't do it, but I made it look like I could. There's a knot behind my shoulder blade and I'm making it mad.

Cue the tears. Oh, I cried. We're selling the house. I have to clean. No one can see that I am freaking out and exhausted enough to even ask how my day was before they give me a list of things to do. I'm terrified to move to Boston. What if I hate it there? What if I can't afford it? What if the jobs I am hoping to get don't pan out? Where will I go if I fail?

Throw in some residual "I miss my grandparents" and you've got a full-blown tearful freak out. While I will admit that I needed to do it. I wish I had been able to do it away from work and campers. I hate having to pull myself together because there is no other alternative.

The whole time I kept thinking "I want to go home, but I don't really know where that is anymore". I kept picturing Toronto and how wonderful a vacation will feel. I've had some conversations with Sharon, via email, and she is all for getting together with me and Laura when we are in town. Thank God. I don't know what I would do without certain people in my life.

I'm ending on a positive note. It's better that way.

Let the Countdown begin!

2008-07-16T17:30:00.003-04:00

There is a very special day coming up in exactly one month.

Saturday 16 August, 2008

That's my 26th Birthday,
the first day if my week-long vacation to Toronto
and
the first anniversary of my giving up cigarettes.

YES! I quit smoking almost a year ago. I have quit a few times, but never was able to make it stick. But now it's different. I know that even when I feel weak and that I want to smoke, I won't enjoy it. I also can't afford it, but really it's because I know that I will get nothing out of it. Therefore, I don't bother with it.

I can't wait to get back to Toronto. This summer has been busy, hectic and tiring. I am looking forward to relaxing with Laura for a few days and not allowing myself to worry about anything. We are trying to meet up with Sharon too. For this, I am especially excited. And of course, there is the surprise I'm planning for Laura. So far, my cryptic clues have left her boggled and confused. Awesome. She will kick herself wen she realizes what it is. I am so good.

And yes, I will be spending the majority of my ACTUAL birthday in the car, driving to Toronto. That's okay though. I don't mind too much. At least the company will be good.

Anyone wanting to send any birthday greetings/gifts... gas/vacation money would be very appreciated. I know it's not very classy to ask for cash, but that's how it is. Besides, I can't be classy all of the time.

Updates and outtakes

2008-07-04T12:37:00.002-04:00

I haven't blogged in a while. So sorry. I have been busy, really. Anyway.

Today is July 4th. In the United States we are celebrating our freedom. We celebrate our independence. I find it HILARIOUS that I am working all day! It's okay, I get time and a half for holidays and it's rainy and cold outside anyway. So I sit here, rather uncomfortable due to fact that I can't place the laptop ON MY LAP, like I used to and the cut on my knee from ramming it into the door hinge of the kiosk when I hopped off my chair to help a customer. It could be worse. I could have taken longer to notice the fact that I knocked my coffee over and it spilled all over the desk where the phone and the computer are placed. I could be crying that the computer is totally fried. I am not.

The past few weeks have been pretty interesting. A number of things have not gone according to plan, but I am blessed, I suppose, with a keen ability to improvise. It makes life much easier when I can change plans at the drop of a hat. And I am so thankful for co-workers who possess the same skill. It helps me to stay calm when I know that I am working with capable people.

Still, after a long week filling in for the Nature Specialist who was on vacation and putting up with extremely sub-par help from one assistant who later admitted to the Camp Director that he "was trying to make [my] work harder", I was exhausted and not too happy. "At least Thursday is a day off", I kept repeating to myself on my drive home in a car that has inexplicably started to shake when I stop it.

I entered the house, put down my bag and went into the kitchen to get a drink and there it was on the kitchen table. I had been anxiously waiting for this package to arrive.

Confused? Ok, then. Steve, a friend of mine from my recent trip to Toronto, had sent me an email.

"Hey babe, just a heads up. Your package goes out today into the mail. Hope you like everything, (yes everything means that there's more then 3 items)"

He knows how much I adore Sharon, Lois and Bram. He also know that I don't have much of their stuff. I only have a few CDs and after a while, they get a bit boring. So I was quite excited to open the package and find:

an audio tape
2 CDs
a Frame for my signed LP. I can frame it now because he sent a replacement LP. He actually sent 9 LPs (EVERY one they did from 1978 - 1988).

The records he sent are in perfect condition, have the original inserts and booklets and one is even signed. Granted the inscription reads "To Hannah" but who cares? It's still an original album of "One Elephant, Deux Elephantes" that is their first album ever, just so you know. I was in heaven. I still can't believe that someone I know, but not altogether well, would spend time and money on me just so I could have a few pieces to add to my collection. He is so sweet. All he expected in return was thanks.

I can't wait to get a good stereo that plays records.

In other news, I have found and will shortly secure, a room for me and Laura in Toronto when we go on our road trip. I am SO excited. I think that everyone should go on a road trip with friends. It's a rite of passage. We are heading out early in the morning from Springfield, Mass and should arrive in Toronto by 4 pm. The place where we are staying is downtown and close to EVERYTHING! It could not be better.

Kensington Market; St. Lawrence Market; Chinatown; Little Italy and the University are all close by and most anything else is a subway ride away. One month, one week and 5 days to go. Mom is letting me use her car as mine doesn't get many miles to the gallon. I did the math. Her car got 28 miles to the gallon when it was new, so I assume that now it gets about 24 or 25 now. I should be able to get there and back on three fill-ups. That's about $200. Laura and I are splitting everything, so that isn't too bad. $100 for gasoline; $150 for a room, for a week, with parking plus some money for food (and I have scouted cheap places) and we are set.

Pretty cool, huh?

I'm done

2008-06-12T14:14:00.003-04:00

I am not a file folder. I am not a lunch box. I am not a swim suit being sent off with an eight-year-old at her first residence camp.

I am nothing that needs to be labeled.

I took a HUGE risk a while back and came out on my blog. I do not regret it. I do not take it back. Though I do feel that I missed the mark and perhaps should just allow myself to love whomever it is I love, without definition. I have found that life only gets more ridiculous; more complicated and FAR more confusing when I attempt to define myself with only one word.

Mainly I wrote what I wrote because there are people in my life with whom I do not communicate except through this blog. Perhaps it was cowardly. Perhaps it was a little extreme, but I didn't like feeling that I was lying to people I love. I wanted to tell them what I was. That's where I made my mistake. I am not a "what". I am a "who".

Sure, I am a writer,
a reader,
a singer... the list of my talents and interests is quite long.

But WHO I am, that's something different.

I can't continue to define myself based on what I do; how I do it; who I love or to whom I relate.

No.

I am a person who deserves love and is capable of giving it.

That is all.

The "what" I am simply makes life a little more interesting. But I have found that when I only pay attention to the "WHAT", I feel empty. I love music, but it cannot love me back.

I am a person who deserves to be loved.

And I will get what I deserve.

Let the countdown begin

2008-06-12T14:01:00.005-04:00

As you might be able to guess by the address of this blog, my birthday is in August. I am anxiously counting down the days. No, I am NOT posting a link to a potential gift list. But I AM going to treat myself. I went up to Toronto last month and I swear, I have never felt so at home. This year for my birthday I am going back for a week. Laura is going with me. I am so very excited. I am still in the process of finding a good place to stay. Really, I am waiting for a few people to get back to me on particulars, parking and so forth. My main concern is not the hotel, the food, the parking or anything along those lines. I am primarily anxious about how I will ever afford gasoline. However, I am sure that everything will come together. I have even started planning a small surprise for Laura when we arrive. Frankly, the fact that she is sharing the week with me is gift enough and I want to make sure that she get as much out of the trip as I hope to.

Well, okay then.

2008-06-02T10:07:00.003-04:00

The past few days have been really good.

On Friday I went to work, paid some bills (which felt wonderful) and then went to a movie with Bernadette. We met in high school and while we were friends, we were not close so after we graduated, we drifted apart. This happens all the time. But every once in a while, we would run in to each other. We'd both be at the mall, or grabbing coffee and we would talk for a few minutes, saying how good it was to see the other and then part company. It wasn't until last October that we really started hanging out again. She went to college with Jeff and knew him pretty well. So when she saw the two of us together (on what she did not know was our first date) she came up to say hello and we talked for almost an hour. This time, I made sure to get her phone number. Pretty soon we would meet up at the local coffee shop or she'd come by to say hello while I was at work and we had a great time chatting. Bernadette (Bern, just DON'T call her Brenda) is one of those friends who, like Karol, has a really important job that she loves. She is good at what she does and hearing her talk about work, though it isn't something in which I would be interested, is inspiring. But then she'll sit up with me until 2 in the morning figuring out how to spell all of the fifty states backwards. See? It's nice to know that a good number of my friends have their stuff together and are doing well, but are still hilarious and weird just like when we were kids.

Sorry, I seem to have gone off on a tangent. That was Friday. We saw Sex and the City. It was really good. I had such a good time. I haven't seen a movie in the theatre since LAST summer when my friends dragged me to The Simpsons Movie. It was funny, but it would not have been my first choice. Oh well.

Saturday, I went to work at the Enchanted Garden, a local Conservatory for the Arts, where I have been assisting with the birthday parties since February. It's a lot of fun. I show up, paint a few faces, set the table, hand out pizza and cake, clear the table, vacuum and do it again. Not a difficult job to do and I usually enjoy it. Yes, sometimes I'm tired or my head is pounding, but I view it as training for working with children full-time. If this children's album (which I am now almost positive WILL get recorded this year) does well, who knows where I'll end up or what I'll be doing? Even if it fails miserably, I will be aunt to several friends' kids and motherhood is not entirely out of the question, so I could always benefit from a crash course in "Suck it up and deal".

Ooops. Another tangent. Shut up, you love it.

After work on Saturday I returned home and, knowing that there was a thunderstorm coming, remembered to roll up my windows. I forgot to do that LAST week and rode to work sitting on a trash bag for two days.

The storm was amazing. I used to be so terrified of thunderstorms. But now, I love them. I throw my window open, put a towel down on the sill and lie on my bed, breathing in the cool, moist air (it smells SO GOOD!) and laugh as my face and hair get soaked. Saturday, it hailed. I know that it has hailed before, but I'd never actually seen it. The lightening was something beautiful. I was blown away by it. I just sat marveling at it the entire time. After the sky cleared up a bit, I went out to run some errands, one of which was depositing my stimulus check (another great thing about this weekend). I looked up and saw the most amazing rainbow. I could see the whole arc of it. It was perfect. When I got on the highway, I saw at least 15 cars, including a police car, pulled over on the road. People were just happy to see it. I love that about people. We are all so busy, running around, paying bills, going to work. We aren't ever adults, we're more like robots. But then there's a rainbow in the sky and we kids again. Wonderful.

Sunday was an easy day. One party to do, errands... nothing too important to mention, really. But it was nice to have a calm day.

Now it's Monday. I am at work. Ready to start another month of selling. Ready to hit my goal of beating my personal best. Ready to move on.

It feels good. And you know, I'm not ever worrying about when it all changes. "When will this all come crashing down?" Who says it has to come crashing down? Who says it has to stop?

I say I'm happy. What I might feel later doesn't matter.

Hello oxygen

2008-05-23T13:10:00.002-04:00

It's so nice to be able to breathe. I take it for granted. I shouldn't do that. Maybe if I were more appreciative of the fact that I can breathe, I wouldn't get sick as often as I do. It's worth a shot.

Yesterday was... a day. I spent the better part of an hour on the phone with the credit card company that sent my account to a collections agency and then proceeded to take my money anyway. That's not allowed, it goes against the contract they have with the collections people. But try getting them to admit they made a mistake. Yeah, right.

Anyway, because they took money from me. I lowered my next payment to them. I know that I am only really hurting myself here, but it is the principle of the matter. I have set up payments with an agency through December. I don't like that. It's not that I can't pay the bills, I can. But it makes me uncomfortable to have the rest of the year planned out like that. God forbid the bad economy catches up to me and I lose my retail job. I'm good at what I do, sure. But am I good enough to be the one they keep?

But a ray of hope there still may be in this.

James, the very nice man at the collections department, said he would try to help me out. A co-worker of his used to work for the card company in question and suggested a possible fix. It would require several hundred dollars from me in June, July and August; but I would be done after that. No more bills. No more calls. No more serious debt. I would only have some minor stuff that I could actually get rid of relatively easily. Of course, there would still be the student loan debt, but that stuff doesn't look nearly as bad on your credit.

I know that the card company might say "no" to the new payment agreement. I know that I might have to keep my payments scheduled until heaven knows when, but I have hope that James will help me. It's nice to know that there is someone who may have some influence on my side.

So, last night I slept soundly, breathing deeply, through my nose. I am starting to feel a hell of a lot better.

And now I'm sick

2008-05-19T11:33:00.004-04:00

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Shut up Karol. While in Toronto, I started to feel ANOTHER cold sore coming on. I get them WAY too often. I have had one for the majority of the past seven months. I should call my dentist. I would, if I had any money to dispose of on frivolous things such as health care. I have tried everything I can think of to fix this problem but to no avail. I am hoping that upping my Vitamin C intake will help the matter, but I have learned not to be too hopeful.

When I came back from Toronto I immediately got a little hay fever. Now, initially I thought nothing of it. A lot of pollen was released into the air while I was away and I was reacting to a level that was higher than when I left. Ok. It made sense to me. But now I'm worse, not better, worse.

It feels different than hay fever now. Yes, I am a little stuffy and I can't stop coughing to save my life. But there aren't many aches and pains that usually come along with those symptoms. I feel tired, but I'm sure that's because I'm winded form not being able to breathe. As an uninsured person, I am terrified that it's serious. I really hope it's not Walking Pneumonia, but it is possible.

I am reassured by the fact that the coughing is at least somewhat helpful in the attempt to clear out my lungs. I am sure that nine years of intermittent smoking did NOT help me. It's quite possible that I'm clearing some of that junk now too. I hope so, but eww just that same. I am also somewhat relieved by the fact that I sneezed today. Usually that's a signal that whatever I have is going away.

Seriously though, I am lightheaded from all the coughing. And I've pulled several major muscles. I wish I could get abs of steel from this, but no. I will have to do actual work for those.

Annie was sick

2008-05-15T21:08:00.004-04:00

For those of you who don't know, Annie is my 1997 Cherry Red Dodge Neon. Last year she started overheating on a more and more regular basis, but EVERY SINGLE TIME I brought her to the mechanic, he could not get her to overheat. He could find nothing wrong. Everything I thought of as a potential fix, he said he'd do, for a very high price. I have been fighting going back into the red for a while now. Bills with obnoxious collection agencies come first. Sorry Annie. But I needed some work done on my car, and I had no idea what needed fixing. It was a source of major aggravation and stress.

I can handle a lot of stress. I can handle the chaos that is working retail or worse, a portrait studio, during the holiday rush. I can handle having several jobs and deadlines all at once. My multi-tasking skills are the envy of all who see them. I can handle getting lost, because I have enough sense to which way is north at all times and be able to retrace my steps. I don't like to, but I can even handle a group of unhappy three-year-olds who all want to play with the same puzzle. But money stress, I cannot handle. It follows me around and invades EVERY thought I have. I have been lucky enough to be blessed with family who help me when they can, sometimes when they can't. I am SO close to getting rid of my one remaining credit card and starting the work that is improving my credit. But I literally thought there was no hope for me in the car department. I'd never be able to afford to fix her (I thought I was looking at $1000 to rebuild the transmission) and replacing her? Doubtful.

Yesterday I was quoted $124 by a car service company to have my thermostat replaced. I thought that price was a little ridiculous, borderline disgusting actually. So I called a semi-retired mechanic friend of the family. He said "$124 for a thermostat? No. That's far too high." So why then, am I praising the man who charged me $190? Here's a list of what this awesome dude did for me.

*transmission fluid flush
*Replaced thermostat
*Oil Change
*New Air Filter...

Does it make sense now? I thought it would. And Annie? She now gets more than 8 miles to the gallon. You think I'm exaggerating. I'm not. The stress is gone. Now it's just a credit card and some other incidental bills. Normal, everyone has that kind of stuff, debt. This is a hole I can dig myself out of. I can do it relatively quickly and easily. I feel so good right now.

Finally

2008-05-11T22:59:00.003-04:00

Ever since I was a little girl, I have longed for home. I wanted to be where I belonged, where I fit; with people who understood me. The only problem, I had NO idea where home actually was. I knew it wasn't Danbury. It was too small, too cramped, too a lot of things to be where I wanted to settle. I have always felt uneasy here. All the mistakes from which I have learned but can't seem to live down, are here. All the people who "knew me when" and are convinced I haven't changed, are here. All the things I have seen, heard and felt with unease for so many years and now long to move past, are here.

I was sure that I had found a home in Manhattan before I even moved there. It was the city for me, I knew it. I moved there. I liked it. But it wasn't home. I understood it. I respected it. But it was too loud, too mean, too busy to care. I didn't like the person I was there.

Exactly a week ago, I lay in bed, still excited from the wonderful day I had but dreading the long drive home in the morning. I whispered back and forth with Laura of how much I wished I could stay and she kept agreeing. I have spent the days since I returned to Danbury aching for that place. I have been wistful and oddly homesick ever since I got back to the house in which I grew up. This was a city that was clean, friendly and somehow familiar. This was a city where I felt welcome and appreciated. This was a city where I knew I could make a mistake and move on from it. I am now positive that come December, I will apply to Graduate School again. I will more seriously search for jobs that allow international applicants. I will do whatever it is I have to in order to get home.

I need to go home. I need to go to Toronto.

Mmmmm... Pie.

2008-05-08T11:46:00.004-04:00

While up in Toronto, Kris told Lois that she inspired him to go to the Culinary Institute of America and become a Pastry Chef. She was so proud. We all were. But it got me to thinking. You know, I haven't made a pie in months. MONTHS! I got hooked on it last year. That's another positive that came out of the often mostly negative experience of dating. If you recall, I made my first pie for Jeff's parents when I met them. Remember? I was the Happy Homemaker for a day.

So I think I will hit the grocery store on the way home from work today and make a pie. Apple Berry Pie. So good. Mixed Berries and Crisp Granny Smith Apples with just a dash of cinnamon. Yum.

Maybe I'll carve an elephant on the top. You know, for Lois.

Skinnamarink!

2008-05-07T20:08:00.011-04:00

That's the only word that properly describes how I feel.

As I am sure you are all aware, I went up to Toronto for the weekend. I LOVED IT! I had such a fantastic time. I am officially in love with this city and I cannot WAIT to move there. I left early Saturday morning and returned Monday night. I am still in shock about some parts of it. I went up to see Sharon, Lois and Bram. Yes, you read right. Yes, the people that sing Skinnamarink on the Elephant Show when I was a kid. I love them. They have had such a profound impact on my life. They never failed to put a smile on my face. So when an opportunity came to go to a city I’ve wanted to see for years and meet Sharon, Lois and Bram, I took it.

I went up with some friends; one in particular, Laura. She is amazing. We met a few months ago through a yahoo group and we hit it off right away. Until Saturday morning, we had never actually met in person, but to hear us talk with each other and see us together, you’d never know it. Anyway, she met Sharon, Lois and Bram about nine years ago and has been friendly with them ever since. So there was the possibility of meeting and talking with them! Added bonus, anyone? I was too excited for words.

The trip didn’t start out great, but I won’t talk about it, because the rest of the weekend was so spectacular that the bad stuff doesn’t matter.

On Saturday night, Laura and I decided to go for a walk around town for a little bit. It had rained all day and finally cleared up around 7 or so. We ended up getting dessert at a great place called RichTree. It’s truly amazing stuff. If you’re ever in Toronto, go. It’s great. The whole group went for dinner there Sunday night and had a blast. After our walk (and banana caramel crepe, yum) we went back to the hotel and met up with some other members of our group; Zach, Steve, Kris and Paul. I have NEVER laughed so hard in my entire life. We watched old Elephant Show episodes and looked and pictures. It was such a fun time.

Sunday morning came and I was really nervous. Steve had made cards for us to sign for the trio. I signed Bram's, no problem. I signed Lois', again, I did not have any difficulty. But when I picked up Sharon's, I was stuck. "How do I do this?" I eventually scribbled something down, hoping that it properly said what I meant and quickly got dressed. We met up with the guys and all walked to the theatre. It was farther than I thought it would be, but the subways hadn’t opened yet and none of us wanted to wait. It’s good that we didn’t. About 20 minutes after we got to the theatre and got on line, Bram walked up. He was so friendly, like I always knew he would be. He talked to us for a few minutes, gave us each a hug and went inside.

There was a photographer there taking pictures of the crowd and she asked us to pose for a few shots. We happily obliged. Then she asked for action shots. "Sing something." Ok. When the theatre doors opened, we were asked to sing on our way in. Again, we did so happily. When we walked in to the theatre, my heart stopped. There, in the front of the theatre, was Sharon. She was always my favorite. She was everything I wanted to be. She was everything I needed when I was a kid. Laura ran up to say hello and then she introduced us. She seemed happy to meet me, big smile. But then I handed her a card she sent me in January thanking me for the donation I made to Willow. She looked at it and her whole face softened.

“I remember you. That was so sweet.”

I don’t really know WHAT came over me but I timidly said “Sharon, can I have a hug?” I got an answer of “Of course you can!” and I swear to God, I have never been so happy. I thanked her and told her that it was very much worth the 20 year wait. Sharon had to move on to some other people in the audience so I went and sat down for a minute. I sat next to Steve and Paul.

"Patti, how you doing? Do you want a hug?"
"I would love another hug Steve... I got a hug from Sharon." I found Laura and had my tiny little momentary cry. I have never been so happy.

Then I met Lois. We talked for a few minutes...

“Lois, I was wondering…”
“Yeah?”
“Those costumes.”
“Oh. (eye roll) Which ones?”
“1978 to 1995.”

“Well you see. There are ‘professionals’. We were told that it was great and everyone knew what they were doing, but they really weren’t all that great if you ask me.”
“But Lois, YOU always looked good. But Sharon… I mean she had two different colored pant legs, shoes… She had pants with feathers! What was that?”
“Well, you see, I always knew that I wasn’t gonna do that. Sharon, you tell her to wear something, she wears it. It wasn’t until later that she thought, ‘Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have done that.’ But there was a woman who designed some of our stuff. She had experience so what could we do?”

She went on to say how ridiculous one dress was, in particular.

"If you remember, Sharon had that weird, blue, dropped-waist dress which was nothing compared to mine. I had that hot pink thing. What was that? I mean, it was backless!"

I thought it was so funny, I hated that one too.

Then came my chance to ask my important question.

"Lois, do you think that the children's entertainment industry can survive the marketing executives and business people? Or do you think it's going to become more Doodlebops?" (Don't ask, they are terrible.)

"Don't say that word to me. Ugh. Them and the Wiggles. I can't stand the Wiggles."

I agreed. They creep me out a little bit.
I mentioned that Laura and I were going to release a children's album. "We're going to do what we like, what we think sounds good and if people with business degrees don't like it, tough. We're going to call it 'Patti and Laura. Deal!" She found this very funny. She went on to say that we "know what good music sounds like. It's not the stuff that's on now."

Cool. Lois and I were having a conversation, agreeing. It only got better when she said:

"Oh. And Hannah Montana. Ah."

The entire group groaned.

Eventually the show got under way. Sharon, Lois and Bram sang some songs, then there was the film presentation and then more songs. I had such a blast. I was so glad to be there. I hadn't participated when I was little. It was so wonderful to make things right.

After the concert we all went outside. I got the trio to sign the LP my Dad bought for me when he took me to a concert for my eighth birthday. Then we all took a big, group picture. Actually, we took several big, group pictures. Everyone had a camera. Sharon jokingly described the experience as "endless". Lois showed pictures of her new granddaughter, Tessa. She is seven months old and beautiful. I don't say that about all babies. Trust me. I've worked at a portrait studio, ugly babies exist. Seriously they do.

Sharon had an interview but agreed to meet with me and Laura after she was done. "Why don't we meet at Starbucks between 1:30 and 1:45?" Awesome. Before I knew it, there she was, walking across the street to our table. She sat down and we talked for a while. We talked about everything. Music, work, Toronto and both Laura and my plans to move there. It was lovely to see that Sharon understood how much it hurts Laura and me when people say "Oh, you want to do children's music? That's nice. But what are going to really do?" As if what we love isn't legit.

The entire conversation was great, maybe except for the story about her recent trip to Africa watching an animal sacrifice. "They just hold the animal by the neck and a friend checked with her chiropractor and he said that it's just like going to sleep." She has a really soft, sweet voice so you can only imagine how funny and freaky it was to hear her say it. I was a little scared actually. Sharon is a big fan of direct eye contact. She doesn't waver. Why she chose me to keep eye contact with during that exchange, I don't really know.

Eventually Sharon had to run to meet her sister and so we got up to say goodbye. She hugged Laura and then me and I thanked her for being my Pete Seeger (she has several times called him her hero). But she didn't hear me.

"I'm sorry. What did you say?"
This time, I was able to say it to her face not over her shoulder. "I said 'Thank you for being my Pete Seeger'" Now for the second time that day, she softened.
"Oh. You could not have said anything better than that." I had worked on it for a while.

We parted company and Laura and I commenced the giggle fest. I could not say enough how amazing I felt. We decided to walk just to see what there was to see. I found a little street corner shop and walked up to explore. The night before I had mentioned to Laura that I really wanted to find a pair of elephant stud earrings. I was shocked when there they were at the shop.

"Oh my gosh! My earrings! Look Laura, elephant earrings." Laura made the joke "Everything you've wanted has happened. You wanted a hug; to meet with Sharon and to find earrings. You need to say you want a billion dollars." I tried it. It didn't work. Laura bought a pair for herself and I got a pair for me and one for Sharon. I figured I would mail them to her. Laura was standing with her back to the street, making sure my elephants were straight when Sharon walked passed us and laughed. Us again? I saw her and squealed. "OH! We bought you earrings." She walked over, saw them, pulled out her earrings and put the new ones in. She said goodbye again and then Laura and I went for lunch.

The rest of the day is a blur. We went to a park, had dinner, stayed up late in the lobby talking about the decision to ACTUALLY record a record with Paul.

Monday morning came and we somewhat sadly packed the car and started the drive back home. When Laura and I parted in Springfield, my heart sank a little bit. It was over. But we're planning on going up in October to see them again. This time we'll get a picture with Sharon.

I must remember to email her: "Wear your elephant earrings."

End of novel.

We are actually doing this

2008-05-07T02:06:00.002-04:00

I met Laura on Saturday. She is wonderful. After a ten hour drive, we finally met Paul. We all got along really well. On Sunday Paul mentioned to me that he knew Laura and I wanted to record a children's album. Then he said "I'm in. I'd love to join up. We could be Patti, Laura and Paul". All of a sudden it changed from a casual thing that Laura and I were thinking about doing a little down the line to a real thing. We're already putting together songs lists and researching recording studios.

It is too surreal. It will hopefully come together within a year. It will be hard as I am in CT, Laura is in Boston and Paul is based in Miami. But we will figure it out. We can always rehearse on our own or something to that effect. We all have experince singing harmonies so we won't be thrown off when we meet up.

Don't read anything in to this. I don't want or need fame and fortune. This is NOT, is any way, a desperate attempt to get famous and break in to the business. I've heard a lot of people talk about children's entertainment as "the easiest way to get in" and "something to do until something legit comes along". Both those statements hurt me. This is what I want to do. I have searched for years to find this answer. I wanted to act, but that wasn't right. I wanted to teach, but that wasn't right. I didn't start to see the two meshing until recently and I've been so relieved that there IS something I can do. There is something that makes me happy. If it pays, that's great. But I am not doing it for money. I am doing it, because it is all that makes sense.

Mea Culpa

2008-05-02T10:17:00.002-04:00

You know it's funny, the last two messages I've gotten from my sister have been "Hey, dork, way to leave stuff out of the story!" I paraphrase.

Anyway, it seems that I neglected to fill people in on the current work situation. Sorry, I forget who I've told. I work at Rosetta Stone. It's a kiosk in the Danbury Fair Mall. It's a fun job. I mean it can be REALLY boring, but for the most part it's fun.

They are the "fastest way to learn a language. Guaranteed." I feel really good about the product I sell. I feel that it is a necessary thing to learn about other people. Culture, language etc, are all important things. We should not be so selfish and ignorant to only know about ourselves. Isn't it through accepting and celebrating differences that we become better people? I think so.

What's even better is the fact the as long as I am employed with the company I can learn ANY of the languages they offer, FREE. Pretty sweet if you ask me.

So. Now you know.

Inspiration through Irritation

2008-05-01T21:31:00.000-04:00

I am no stranger to the world of customer complaints. When you’ve worked in retail as long as I have, you hear a lot of them.

“This is too expensive.”
“Why are you pestering me?”
“What do you mean I can’t return this item? I only wore it 10 times!”

I’ve even been told by one rather irritated customer at a portrait studio that she hoped my Christmas was “crappy.” There are more, but I won’t bore you even though some are really funny.

I always try to remain calm in these situations. After all, I still want to make the sale. I still want the customer to buy… and then leave. I do my best to explain the situation and meet the customers’ needs. But sometimes I have no idea what to do.

Today I got an interesting complaint from a passing couple. They walked up to me and without even a hello began to berate me with angry questions masked by feigned civility.

“That picture on your display. That is a South African woman. Why do you have her picture there?”

I explained that I did not really know why that specific picture was chosen for a display. I went on to say “I’m not in charge of Marketing.”

“Why would you show that picture if you don’t offer the language? Do you offer the language?”

I found it a little funny that they didn’t even know if their complaint was reasonable before they stated it. I decided, however, to keep that information to myself.

“Right now, the only African language we offer is Swahili.”

“So why do you have that picture?”

“Again, I really don’t know. I am not in charge of Marketing for the company.”

To be honest, I had no idea what the actual complaint was. Why was it so terrible that there was a picture of a South African woman on our sign? Frankly, it is beyond me. Maybe I’m lucky. I was raised in a family, ne a society that not only taught me to look past physical appearance, but also would not allow me or any of my peers to pass judgment based solely upon it.

I was unaware of the pictured woman’s specific heritage. I just thought she was a pretty woman with a big, beautiful smile wearing some of the most intricately beaded jewelry I have ever seen. To tell you the truth, I am a little envious of the woman. My crooked teeth don’t allow for huge, perfect smiles and I could never pull off her look. I would look foolish, number one; and people would more than likely accuse me of making fun of someone rather than embracing their culture. But I digress.

I called the Product Information number. I call it a lot. I am full of questions. Eventually I was transferred to a woman who explained it perfectly. I tried to capture her words to the best of my ability.

We are a company built on celebrating the global tapestry. We specifically don’t look for stereotypes on our signage because we would end up offending someone. Besides it’s not about who speaks the language natively. It’s about who can learn the language. We are about connecting the world through language. We want to make it so people can understand each other and learn to communicate. Yes, we are all different. We embrace that. We celebrate that. It’s imperative that we understand others. We are always encouraging everyone to do so.

Now that is beautiful.

I doubt that you will have to field this complaint. I am sure that this is a one-time random thing. But I wanted to share it anyway if only for the message, the quasi mission statement. Hearing it strengthened my belief in this product, this company; myself.

Still though, I think the whole thing is pretty funny.

That's the way it is

2008-04-25T22:52:00.004-04:00

I remember when I was in high school some girls in my scout troop started a rumor that I was gay. It started out as an innocent prank but it grew and it grew quickly. It started with notes in my locker; poems written about me calling me a ho, a dyke, a queer; people coming up to me at the lunch table asking if I was a dyke; classmates looking away when I passed them in the hall and laughing once I was almost out of earshot. Eventually it got to the point that people would just yell "LESBIAN" when they passed by.

When it started my father, who is a HUGELY homophobic but will never actually admit it, freaked out. He could not handle people saying such things. I wanted to let it die. I wanted so badly just to ignore it and pray that it went away. I kept saying that I thought it was funny and that it wasn't a big deal. Teenagers say stupid things, why should I suffer? But he wouldn't leave it alone. Eventually I was called in to the Assistant Principal's Office to discuss the matter. I was called in to his office every single morning for a week. Each time it was my father who called for the meeting. Each time I said I didn't want to discuss it. Each time I was forced to. Each time we had a meeting to fix it, it got worse. I wanted to scream.

The worst part for me wasn't the teasing I got from classmates and people I didn't even know. It was my father's reaction. I begged him to leave it alone. The experience solidified in my mind that if were gay, he would never accept me. He wouldn't know what to do with himself. I became afraid to speak about it. It was never that he hated gays. He doesn't hate anyone. But he thinks that it is immoral and wrong. I know that. I knew that.

In 2000, at Christmas I came out to my father about being Bisexual. I was sickened when HE told my mother. That should have been left to me. He didn't tell her because he thought she should know, but rather because it was a problem that needed to be discussed away. It was a phase that they needed to talk me out of. That experience in college combined with the numerous discussions I have had with my father since I started to think I was different, keeps me in the closet about my actual homosexuality in regards to my parents. It should be obvious to you by now that neither of my parents reads this blog or even knows it exists.

Today was a National Day of Silence. But I am tired of being silent. I will continue to keep my parents in the dark about this, it's not something they need to know. But I don't want to keep from saying it here because someone who reads this might say something to them. I am tired of that fear. I am tired of almost feeling ashamed that I have finally admitted to myself that I am gay.

I know now that I can love someone. I can have a relationship that doesn't make me feel awful.

I can be happy.
I can be loved.
I can love someone.

I am tired of feeling that this knowledge is something I should hide.

I encourage all of you to open your hearts and your minds. Accept people for who they are: people who deserve to be loved. That is all anyone is.

We are all people who deserve love.

I Love you all.

Sometimes to be heard you have to be silent

2008-04-25T22:33:00.004-04:00

I had to work today. I don't mind, like I've said so many times before, I need the money. I was so busy with errands and phone calls and sales that I forgot something truly important.

Today was A National Day of Silence.

Perhaps some of you have never heard of it. It is a day about making sure LGBT kids are not bullied in school, and this year it will be dedicated to the memory of Lawrence King, a California pre-teen who was shot and killed by another classmate out of homophobic hate. It is an important day, because we need to protect our children. Kids aren't always aware of what their hatred can do. It is just as deadly as grown up hate. Hate kills. And it hurts everyone.

Growing up is hard enough without having to fear being killed because of who you are.

Lawrence King: January 1993 - February 2008. Killed because he was gay.

Two weeks to go

2008-04-18T23:47:00.003-04:00

Ok. I apologize in advance because I am going to be talking about Toronto for a while. I leave for Springfield, Mass in two weeks and 5 hours. Yeah, I drive up at 5 am so we can meet up by 7 and hit Toronto by 3 or so. Then it's a quick tourist afternoon with Laura and possibly Heather, a film at the Toronto Jewish Film Festival and more sightseeing on Sunday and then we check out and drive off on Monday morning. It'll be interesting.

I must remember to buy Dramamine for the drive. Being car sick for 9 hours does not sound too appealing. It never used to be a problem but now that I am accustomed to being the driver, being the passenger is uncomfortable.

I can't wait. I am going to meet Sharon, Lois and Bram! I love them. I have loved them since I was little, really little. They have been so much a part of my life. Someone asked me if I could imagine my childhood without them. I can't. I'm sure if I really tried I could, but I know that wouldn't like what I would see.

It's all about the last 30 seconds

2008-04-17T19:20:00.004-04:00

But really, watch the whole thing.

And I just can't hide it

2008-04-16T19:47:00.002-04:00

I realized today that my upcoming trip to Toronto with Laura and seven others is less than two and a half weeks away!

I am so excited.

I have busy all day looking for cheap eateries and fun things to do close to our hotel downtown. I am probably going to split off and do some sightseeing on my own or with Laura. Yesterday Laura told me that we were actually leaving Toronto on Monday. I had thought we were leaving on Sunday, but then, I also thought the show we're going up to see was on Saturday. So I head up to Springfield, Mass on Thursday May 1, we all head up to Canada on Friday and STAY THERE until Monday morning. I should hit Danbury again around 7 pm if I'm lucky.

But it's April 16. LESS THAN 2 1/2 weeks! I have wanted to go to Toronto for years. I had planned a trip that fell through with Tamara two years ago and then attempted to go on my own. Each time, the money just wasn't there. It is now. And I can't wait.

I may have left something out

2008-04-15T19:28:00.005-04:00

My sister commented on a recent post. "Boston?" Did I forget to mention that?

Okay. Like I said in earlier posts, I did not get accepted to the University of Toronto this year. Again, I am not bummed out. I would be if it meant that I would have to stay in Danbury for an indefinite amount of time. However a friend of mine mentioned something to me a while back and planted a seed in my head.

I met Laura through an online fan group of Sharon, Lois and Bram. She's is really fun and though we haven't actually met in person yet we have spoken several times online and on the phone. We're getting together with some other members of the group in May. We're driving to Toronto for a Sharon, Lois and Bram concert. Hey. I am a kid and I need a break. Also, I want to have a little fun. I'm allowed.

Anyway, Laura lives in Boston and works part time at a Children's Theatre. I have wanted to do that for a while and she mentioned to me that auditions are coming up and maybe I should come up. Well, I looked into it. With another part time job, I could afford to live there. It's actually cheaper to live there than it is to live here. This, I find shocking. But my research has shown that I CAN get a room in a nice neighborhood close to mass transit and other fun stuff for around $500 a month. I can't get that here. There are places that cheap, but not in areas where I'd be thrilled to live or rather, pray that I stay alive in.

I'm here in CT for the summer. I have three part time jobs now. Mom hopes the house will sell this summer and she has offered to help me pay for an apartment if it does. So yes, I am planning to move to Boston this fall if I can swing it. I really don't see why I can't. Apart from friends who will always be there, there is nothing keeping me here.

Gimme a C! I mean a K!

2008-04-15T12:50:00.005-04:00

I got to thinking today about my friend, Karol. I love her. She has been there for me when times were really hard and with me when things were really funny. She was the one who alerted me to a job at a camp in the Catskills last year where I met some of the best people I will ever know; she is one person who understands that I am insane and does not judge me for it. She comes to me frustrated about the experience of being a Girl Scout Troop Leader and does NOT blame me for it, because it was my idea in the first place. I have Karol as a reference on my resume. I've known her 19 years, this summer. Hmmm, I should get a cake or something. I realize that 19 years is a long time to be friends with someone, especially when you're only 25. We have managed to stay close even though we keep changing and go extended periods of time without seeing each other. Maybe that's how we've managed as long as we have. If we saw each other everyday, I wonder if we would be able to stand it. I guess we'll never know.

I have decided to write down a few experiences so that you too, can share in the craziness that is the two of us.

1989: We meet at Camp Aspetuck when both of us are placed in the Dell. Hilarity ensues.

1997: We both work as Program Aides at camp. During our overnight we stay up ALL NIGHT (great idea) writing a HILARIOUS skit that nearly made the Camp Director pee her pants.

1998: We both serve on a Girl Scout girl member Planning Board and drive people crazy with our nutball ways. She also stands by me when I tell an adult member of Council (whom everyone was afraid of) that I will not have my ideas ignored and that she needs to stop interrupting so that I can finish making my point even though she has already determined that it doesn't matter. I believe I said "I am just as stubborn as you are, Eileen." We also plan a farewell presentation for this same adult member of Council who moved to NC. Again, people almost peed themselves.

2004 - 2005: We work together at Camp Aspetuck and scare admin and some new staff just be standing close to each other.

2006: We both get a job at Great Hollow Wilderness School in New Fairfield without the other one knowing. On our first day without a senior member of staff, our boss decides to make us co-leaders of a day group. We could barely contain ourselves, whether it was fear or excitement, I don't really know. This experience, we knew, would be ridiculous in many ways. We pulled it off however. The chaperon of our groups never even knew that we had gotten lost.

2007: Like a genius, I decide that I need to take on another project with Karol. So I call her up and ask if she would like to be a Girl Scout Troop Leader with me, she agrees and we begin training. A job in New Hampshire makes it impossible for me to help so she goes on with her sister as her co. She tells me stories of having to deal with the craziness of kids, parents and especially other leaders and I actually want to suffer along with her because it would be so fun to go to leaders meetings and make comments under my breath while she tried to keep a straight face.

2006 - present: Hikes with Karol generally include climbing down a gorge where one of us has a near brush with death or severe bodily harm only to stand up and say "That was really cool" while the other one laughs hysterically; crossing said gorge via downed tree that hangs approximately 15 - 20 feet up without safety equipment of any kind and my personal favorite, deciding to jump from rock to rock in the creek INSTEAD of walking the trail because it's more fun and seeing to can stay driest the longest.

So that's it. I guess that the only people who might actually LAUGH at this are me and Karol, but maybe it got you thinking about your best friend and how you should really call her.

Talk about an excitin' day!

2008-04-15T12:17:00.002-04:00

Well. The past 24 hours have been great.

Yesterday I had an interview with a very nice man who runs a summer camp with his wife in Redding (15 minute drive). He was very excited to see that I had experience in ropes courses, arts and crafts, drama/music, nature, outdoor cooking... you get the idea. So he hired me saying that he would check my references and then call to confirm my job title. I'm not nervous in the least bit, the references I gave him are stellar. Camp runs from June 23 - August 15 with a one day Orientation. Awesome.

After my interview, I headed out to Friendly's Ice Cream and Restaurant on the other side of town. I had seen a job post on one of the MANY job boards online, applied and then decided that I would apply at the actual location in addition. I went in, filled out the application, attached my resume, met with the Manager and made an appointment to go in today at 10am for an official interview. I walked in this morning, sat down and had an easy conversation with Tasha, the Head Cook (I believe) who remembers me from the last time I worked there and told the Manager to hire me when he came over to us. I go in on Thursday to fill out paperwork and go over availability, schedules, pay etc. I don't really need more than 20 hours a week. The job I have allows me to break even each month, so anything in addition will simply allow me to get through each month with significantly less stress.

So that's how it is. In June I'll be working three jobs and probably pulling my hair out, but I think it will be fun. It will allow me to save up a bit too so that when I move to hopefully Boston, I'll have enough for rent until I get settled. But at least the depressing posts are over as far as I can tell.

Just pay attention

2008-04-13T19:09:00.004-04:00

I rarely listen to the radio anymore. I really dislike the majority of what is called music right now and I can't stand ten straight minutes of commercials. When I do listen, it's to hear the Friday song on Connecticut's home of Rock 'n Roll, i-95. However, last night I had the radio on. I'll tune in if I know that there are going to be 80s songs, which are now referred to as Oldies; or if there are ACTUAL Oldies but Goodies on. I tuned in during an all-request Love Songs hour. Bleah. I generally don't like Love Songs, they're for the most part trite and way too long. But, the caller on the line had an interesting story. She explained that she was "very much in love" and engaged to "the love of her life". She was so happy. However neither her nor his parents approved. You see, she's white, he's black, the parents are all racist. She went on to say that they loved each other and they were getting married with or without parental approval (good for them) and then asked for a song. She did not specify which song she wanted to hear. She left it up to the professionals. Usually, Radio DJs seem to know what they're doing, but not so much last night. What did this Disc Jockey choose to play? Carly Simon's That's the Way I've Always Heard it Should Be. What?! That song is horribly inappropriate for the situation.

The song is about a woman. She lives with her parents and is being pressured to marry her boyfriend. Her friends are all married, they have children and they are HATING it! She wants a career, a life of her own. She wants to really know who she is and where she's going before she settles down. When Carly Simon wrote and recorded it, it was met with HUGE praise. She was saying something that a lot of women had been afraid to say for a long time. She was saying it during the women's movement. She was heralded as a saviour for women. I'm not making this up. But because it's "about" marriage, DJ Man played it for the future Mr. and Mrs. Dis-owned.

I'm not angry about this, that would be pathetic. However I am a little irritated by it. Does no one listen to ANYTHING anymore?

By the way, I've included the lyrics so you can see for yourself how great the song is.

My father sits at night with no lights on
His cigarette glows in the dark.
The living room is still;
I walk by, no remark.
I tiptoe past the master bedroom where
My mother reads her magazines.
I hear her call sweet dreams,
But I forgot how to dream.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

My friends from college they're all married now;
They have their houses and their lawns.
They have their silent noons,
Tearful nights, angry dawns.
Their children hate them for the things they're not;
They hate themselves for what they are-
And yet they drink, they laugh,
Close the wound, hide the scar.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

You say we can keep our love alive
Babe - all I know is what I see -
The couples cling and claw
And drown in Love's debris.
You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds,
But soon you'll cage me on your shelf -
I'll never learn to be just me first
By myself.

Well O.K., it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be,
You want to marry me, we'll marry,
We'll marry.

It's heartbreaking actually. To listen to it, it sounds like she's giving in, but just to read it, it seems a lot stronger.

Get your air tank, this one's deep

2008-04-10T23:09:00.004-04:00

PREFACE: I talk about God in this one. I am not one of the crazy people with whom I went to Bible Camp. Yes, I went to Bible Camp. I am not someone who will now talk about God nonstop. I am simply a person who has come to a realization and wants to share. That is all.

I was driving around just a few minutes ago and I heard sirens in the distance. I did what I have done for a few years now, I crossed myself and continued running my errands. I cross myself every time I hear a siren. It's a silent prayer:

"Lord, please be with those in need of help; those who are helping; their families, and please God, help me avoid a similar situation. Amen."

It's not much, but I feel that somehow it might help. There have been times in my life when I was depressed, worried or in pain and I have taken comfort in the knowledge that someone, somewhere was praying for me. My Dad keeps a list of people he needs to pray for. I'm on it. My friends he barely knows are on it. I know that I am on several people's lists. I'm not bragging, but it is comforting to know.

Anyway. A few minutes after I heard the sirens, I adjusted my bracelet. WOW! What other innocuous things did you do? It actually is important. The bracelet I'm wearing (after months of searching the house for it because my mother put it in a "safe place" which she later couldn't locate) is a silver link bracelet with a Star of David on it. No, I'm not Jewish, not even close. But I wear it anyway. I love this bracelet. I'll tell you why.

It represents faith in the face of fear and adversity. I have undying respect for people, Jewish or otherwise, who have stayed faithful in spite of the pain they were forced to endure.

It forces me to see what is out there. Politically: the war, LGBT rights. women's rights, Darfur, etc; Environmentally: Green House Gas, over dependence on oil, melting glaciers; Financially: taxes, unemployment, the recession. Sure, lately it's been real easy for me to remember the financial situation I have, but I rarely think about the fact that there are people who are worse off than I. Once I see and accept that there are bad things happening in this world, I can come up with ways to change them, to stop them, to improve them.

Lastly, this bracelet reminds me in a very clear and sometimes frightening way, that no matter how hard I try to make the right decision; to listen to God and to do as he says, there is always a possibility that I am wrong. I don't mean wrong in a little way either. I mean, God is up in heaven tearing his hair out because I am WAY OFF!

Sometimes I picture him, yelling at me. "What are you doing? That's not what I said to do! Oh My ME! Are you insane?" Meanwhile Jesus stands next to him saying calmly, "She's trying. She isn't doing anything horrible is she? She made a mistake, ok. So dock her a few points on the Life Test. But at least give her extra credit for trying."

I wonder sometimes, even when life is going good for me, if I am doing the right thing. I wonder if God is happy with my decisions or if he's sitting with his head in his hands laughing so that he won't cry.

I think that we all try. Even people who don't seem to really care about their actions, I believe they do.

In times as frightening and maddening as these, my faith in God is strengthened. Maybe it's a cop out, maybe it's laziness. But sometimes I feel that there is a God simply because the world does not make any sense to me and I feel that somehow it has to make sense to somebody. That somebody is God. I just throw my hands up and say "Okay. I have no idea what you are doing. You are making absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. But, I am sure you know what you're doing. But hey, Dude, (Yes, I call God "dude". He lets me. He's cool like that) could you throw me a bone? I mean, I know you have a plan but why does your plan HAVE to include my going prematurely gray?"

So that is my take on spirituality and faith. I hoped that it would be more linear and sensical, but it doesn't seem to have turned out that way. I'm okay with that.

Hey. I tried.

Anyone want a rifle?

2008-04-06T22:48:00.002-04:00

After all, Charlton Heston DID say that we could have it when we wrestled it from his "cold, dead hands."

Just thought I'd ask. I'm always on the lookout for the perfect gift.

You can hate me for making that joke, I still think it's hilarious.

Oddly enough, I feel really good

2008-04-06T22:40:00.003-04:00

I got a letter yesterday from the Graduate Centre for Study of Drama at the University of Toronto (what a mouth full!) and I was actually a little relieved that I did not get in. I knew that I couldn't afford it. I knew that the competition was fierce. Seriously, the number of applicants has gone up in the past 20 years and the number of schools to which we all apply has also increased. It makes sense. We're all told in high school to apply to a few schools. "Make sure you have a safety." As a result, schools' acceptance rates have plummeted, especially in the past 5 years. You've heard of the Baby Boom, we're the Education Boom. My generation can't seem to get enough schoolin'. Oh well. Was I disappointed? Yes. Was I surprised? Not really. And, as I've said, it was a relief to know I wouldn't have to worry about paying for it all. I haven't made up my mind if I'll apply again later on. I'm not rushing to make that decision. I still plan to move to Toronto, this year if I can swing in. On that too, I am not rushing to make a decision.

How funny is it...

2008-04-03T21:21:00.002-04:00

that I haven't even been ACCEPTED yet, and already I am worried about how I'll ever afford grad school. Wouldn't it be hilarious if I drive myself crazy only to be crushed in the end? Ok. Maybe not hilarious. But still. So I finally have a professed FAFSA and I am not eligible for a Pell Grant. Apparently there are only available for undergrads. Oh well. I seem to recall there being some Federal Grants for Graduate students, but I am not too sure. I'll have to call tomorrow. I am still "Under Review" at the school. I am starting to feel optimistic about it though. If I hadn't been accepted, I think I would know by now. I think, but I am not sure, that the department accepts the applicant and then passes on the application to the University which ultimately makes the decision and then tells the department yes or no. Then the department tells the applicant the final decision. I THINK< class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">th, if I am still "Under Review" then the department has accepted me and I must wait on the University whose requirements for admittance are LOWER than the department. Is that confusing enough?

I tried to confirm this with someone at the school today, but it seems that no one answers the phone in Canada. I will try again tomorrow. I remember seeing the deadline online somewhere and thinking it was MY application deadline. It could have been the undergrad deadline. I have NO idea, as I cannot find the page where I read that to save my life. Whatever. I will go back and look.

And breathe...

2008-04-02T12:55:00.003-04:00

Ok. I couldn't get over the FAFSA thing last night. It made absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. So I called the help line and the woman who answered explained that while she couldn't look up my application yet (because it hadn't been processed) that I was more than likely eligible and it was probably just a technical error or something like that. I feel a little better.

I still need a job. But at least there is something good to say today.

It just keeps getting worse

2008-04-01T20:50:00.004-04:00

I am still looking for a job that will allow me to earn money rather than simply break even every month. It's not going well. I have less than nothing in my bank account right now and five bucks in my wallet. Granted, I'll get paid on Sunday for parties but I am starting to hate doing them. I don't even feel like teaching camp this summer. It'll pass, I hope, but until then, I remain depressed.

I tried to stay positive. I kept dreaming about grad school and how great it would be. I made basically NOTHING last year, so I thought I would eligible for a Pell Grant. No. I am not sure why. Now even if I do get accepted I doubt I'll be able to afford to go. My credit isn't good. Even if I got accepted I don't think that I could get another loan. If I did, how would I manage to pay it back? I'd have a Master's degree sure but... It's funny. When I thought I'd get a Pell Grant I could picture getting a job and making my programs work really well, now that financing my education requires more loans, I can't even picture getting accepted. This means I'll be here, in Danbury, struggling and living with my mother which is a struggle by itself.

I had hoped to go up to Toronto for a weekend with friends in May. I had wanted to drive up to New Hampshire for a day to see some old work buddies. I wanted to go to New York City EVER. I don't know if any of those things will happen.

I wish I could feel anything but this.

I just feel defeated. I wish I could talk about it with my mother but she always interrupts. She doesn't listen and she wouldn't understand. I just want to go home. I would, but I don't know where that is anymore. I really, truly hate this. I don't really care that it's making me a stringer person. I couldn't care any less that this is a great learning experience. I don't feel like learning. I feel like curling up into the fetal position and crying till I become dehydrated.

I really, really hate this.

I hope you are having a better day.

It has not been a good day

2008-03-28T17:28:00.007-04:00

I started the day just fine. I had slept well. I did some laundry. My hair did what I told it to do. Great.

I had agreed to meet a friend at a local coffee shop. I was actually quite excited about getting together and seeing where things went with this person. I am not saying that it was a date, sort of a pre-date, if you will and seeing as how I've not dated much at all, it was nice to start the process. I got there at 3, as we had agreed and I waited, waited and waited.

It was not a good time. At 3:15 I called. No answer. So I left a message. I called again at 3:45 to say that I was heading home and could be reached via email. It was a little embarrassing really. I got there and the guy at the counter asked if he could get me anything to which I responded "No. I'm actually meeting someone so I think I'll wait." Yeah. I got stood up. Sure people get busy, but really? I called. I texted. Nothing.

I came home to see an email. "Sorry, busy, can;t make it." Whatever. I don't feel like bothering to reschedule.

So I drove out to the pawn shop because, as I have said before, I am running low on funds. I had two watches and a pin to sell. I was NOT pleased when the guy behind the counter told me that it was worth nothing. He seemed to enjoy saying it. I know he was just trying to be nice. Whatever. This was after driving around for ten minutes trying to find parking near Main Street in Danbury which is a MAJOR pain in the butt. I hate going downtown alone. Actually no. I hate going downtown without a man. If I go downtown alone or with a female friend I get whistles, cat-calls and other forms of "Hey Baby. How you doing girl?" I hate it. Why is it acceptable to do that? "Men will be men" is not a good enough reason for me. Thanks. It's ok because they're men? I don't think so.

I came home and started the job hunt all over again. The interview I had on Wednesday was not what I thought it would be. The advertisement was very misleading and I am really irritated by the entire experience. I sat down at the computer and did some searches. I've taken to ignoring the classified section because the only jobs listed are ones to which I have already applied, am under/over qualified for or simply am not interested in. I know that I can't really afford to picky but I am not working in an animal hospital with my allergies and total disdain for sick, smelly animals. Yuck. No thanks.

I called four stores in five minutes. What is it with people? Does everyone close at 5pm on Fridays? NO ONE answered the phone. No one except one woman who told me that not only were they not hiring, they weren't accepting resumes. I am a little mad right now.

I just ate some tuna salad for the third time in two days. I'm not eating it because I love it so much but rather, because it is all there is to eat in the house. I'm getting tired of it. I'm actually getting tired. This does not make sense to me. I have, after all, had nothing but coffee and protein rich tuna today. I should not feel so tired, weak and shaky. Whatever. I'll pop a multi-vitamin later.

Now I have to drive to the Mall and apply at MORE retail stores. I don't want to work in the mall. I hate retail. I hate that I can't get hired to do it more. Why hire me? I'm a college-educated and experienced woman. Retailers can pay a high school student half of what I would require and deserve. Easily.

Tomorrow I drive out to the post office to mail a package I can't afford to mail and then it's off to work to make enough money that I'll break even on Monday. I can't stand it. I really can't.

I just want to be gainfully employed. Is that so much to ask? I don't even care that I'm single and hating it. I can't afford to date right now anyway, no matter how perfect the girl may be.

I should go lie down.

Just a little worried

2008-03-27T18:09:00.002-04:00

Money is tight. Bills are due. Patti is umeployed and hating this recession.

Seriously, I need to sell my stuff. I hate it. I really do.

Whaaaaat?

2008-03-24T17:15:00.006-04:00

I am late posting this. I didn't think to do it until I re-read an old post about Jeff.

I saw him the other day. I had gone for a hike with Karol at Terrywile Park. While It was a beautiful and mild day and I did have a blast playing in the snow, the hike itself wasn't great. Terrywile is small and the trails get boring. There isn't much to do once you've done it once or twice. So we didn't stay out too long, maybe an hour and then we were too bored.

We decided to go to a diner close to my house. Jeff happens to work at this diner. I personally don't care. I like the place and the price and I am not about to avoid whole areas of the city for fear that I might run into him. Besides, worst case scenario, he's a jerk. For this I am prepared. I have my barbs, one-liners and eyebrow raises all set to go.

Anyway. I was actually pretty sure that he didn't work there anymore. But I was wrong. Karol and I walked in and there he was, at the host station. He was nice. It was fine. Until we sat down. I am fine with civility, even friendly banter, but seriously, there is such a thing as too much nice. Not too nice. Too MUCH nice.

He kept making conversation. He would come up to our table (he wasn't out waiter) and make conversation. He's teaching now. He's working in Brookfield. What am I doing? What did I order? Has he met Karol? Have I spoken to Bern? or Carol? or Kathy? How have I been?

I know, maybe you're reading this going "Those are normal, fairly innocuous questions. What's the big deal?" It wouldn't have been a big deal. But it was constant. He would come over exchange a sentence or two then leave. He repeated this little ritual over and over. Now it's not because he's uncomfortable with me and wasn't sure what to do. He's always done this. I went there when we were still dating with a friend and was trying to have a nice conversation with her, he kept interrupting. He would come over and just pick up where he'd left off, as if we had sat there, anxiously waiting to hear the conclusion of his story involving his recent trip to the grocery store. He does this with everyone he knows who comes into the diner.

He's not that important. I wanted to tell him so, but I didn't feel like dealing with the drama which I knew would follow. Also we hadn't gotten our food yet and I didn't want to risk something happening to it in the kitchen. Now I have been back there once since then and he wasn't working. If I go during the day, I am usually safe. But I shouldn't have to worry about it. There isn't another diner that convenient. I guess I'll have to say something if it happens again. It's a pain.

I just wanted a turkey burger.

Ah.

2008-03-23T19:51:00.003-04:00

It's Easter Sunday. Spring has sprung. I like this time of year. The time when you meet with family and friends to talk, catch up and generally be around people whom you love. My mother and I had a light supper with her family. It was her birthday too, so we planned a little surprise. It was a nice time. Even when I debated why I like Hillary and am proud to be a Democrat against just about everyone present.

But it made me think. Easter is all about rebirth. It's one of my favorite holidays for that reason. It's like another new year if you think about it. This is another chance to change. Another opportunity to grow has been given to me. I can change the things in my life that I don't like. New job. New outlook. New thought. Maybe even a new country soon enough.

I have been feeling so down lately. It's no surprise. When you're out of work and can't afford gasoline, you generally tend to stay indoors, bored and depressed, waiting for life to happen. I apply for jobs online, I send my resumes out, I make excuses to debt collectors. I see the laundry that I need to do, the dishes I should put away, the piles of mail that I should go through. I get breathless. I feel sick and completely alone. Then all of a sudden, there is family. There are friends. People planning things for me to do.

I have plans to meet Amanda on the 6th, after work when she comes out from Indiana. Once gainfully employed, there are trips to New Hampshire to see Linda and Izzy; to New York to see Tamara and Alto; and Toronto with Laura to see no one I know, but have a good time.

I am ready for these new and exciting things in my life. I am even thankful that I didn't get a part or a job with the theatre. I am just looking forward to working, gaining some stability and watching as my life starts to get better. A friend from a class in college decided recently to quit her job and write the novel that she has to share with the world. I adore her. I so admire her bravery. She made me realize that the right time isn't always right when we want it, but it does come along.

I feel refreshed somehow. I feel poised to ace that interview. I fell ready to at least get my stuff together and move on from what I had to what I want.

Oh. I am so sorry

2008-03-21T17:27:00.002-04:00

I have been running around the past few weeks and have neglected my blog duties. Oops.

I decided today that Kindermusik is not a good idea for me. First of all, I do not have the money to pay for training, let alone instruments, teacher kits, parents kits curricula etc etc etc. So I am cancelling my enrollment and sending the materials back.

I might have stayed if I were gainfully employed but, due the recession, I can't get a job that apparently can't be done better by a teenager who is willing to work for minimum wage. Frankly, I don't want to work were there are jobs, isn't that sad? I just can't sell children's clothes at Gymboree or overpriced, tested-on-animals, corporate psychos Bath and Body Works. I worked for BBW for a year and a half. In that time, I never got a raise, a promotion (though one was offered, dangled and then given to someone I trained) or even so much as a "good idea".

I applied at a local privately owned book store and was crushed when I realized that I'd be lucky to get 12 hours a week if I get hired. Sure, maybe as a supplement, but they close at 6, so what am I supplementing? The birthday party assistant gig is going well. I show up, paint some faces, set the table, work the music, clear and clean the table and after an hour and a half, I've made 30 bucks. Not bad. It's just enough to let me break even.

I have an interview next Wednesday for a position helping people with disabilities and women just out of of abusive relationships to find jobs. I think it sounds pretty interesting and rewarding. I would be about to work in Danbury which is fantastic, because I hate driving all over the state. I hate driving in general. What's extra nice is the fact that I would work during the day, so the nights are free for hanging out and doing theatre. I had an audition last Tuesday for Cabaret and I am waiting to hear whether or not I'm in. If not, I'm offering my services as Stage Manager (a paid position). If i get accepted to grad school, where I am still "under review" this would be my last show at the theatre for a while, maybe for good. I really want to be involved. I like stage managing too, so it won't be horrible.

I think that's it.

Is there something wrong with me?

2008-02-15T19:45:00.003-05:00

I know. Of course there are a million things wrong with me? Ugh, why am I friends with you?

Okay.

Today was a good day. Actually the past two days have been pretty good.

For starters, last night I got my CT State Tax Refund. I love that. $305. Thank you Connecticut. A few more days and I'll have some Federal moolah too. Amen, sister.

With this bit of extra cash I was FINALLY able to register for training with Kindermusik International. It isn't cheap but it is an investment and I can deduct it next year. Also, I was FINALLY able to get car insurance. I have been without it since September. Yes, that means that I made several 150+ car trips in a car that was not insured. I survived. There is a God. Well, when I got my quote, back in December, they told me $148. Today, when I called to check in and actually apply for it, the woman on the phone told me that after more discounts (I love that word) I was going to pay $118 per month. That's a savings of $360 dollars a year. Which, oddly enough is just about what I'm paying for training with Kindermusik so it all works out. Also, tomorrow I start working birthday parties at a local school./conservatory of the arts. There are 6 this weekend and I make $30 each. Not bad. If I ever run one myself it's a cool $125+. Sweet. So, I am pretty excited about the whole thing.

But, here's the problem. I was happy for a moment or two and then started thinking "Okay, when is the other shoe going to drop?" and other cliches. But I did wonder how long it was going to last. Why do I do this? Why do we, as humans (as Americans) do this? I know that good doesn't last forever, but I could enjoy while it does instead of waiting for it to run out, thereby ruining the experience.

Whatever.

By the way, I know that my posts are filled with spelling errors. But the spell checker doesn't work and I write these at the end of the day, exhausted.

For the love of morris... are you trying to destroy me?

2008-02-13T21:44:00.003-05:00

That's a line from the movie The Point. I love that movie.

Anyway.

I have been through such craziness this past week. I have FINALLY gotten everything in to the University of Toronto and now... I... wait.

I would have gotten everything in WEEKS AGO but when it's up to someone else to do something...

You see, I requested my official transcripts from one of my undergrad schools in December. Actually, I requested all of them then and 2 of the 3 came through. In January I wrote another email and requested the forms again. Then I sent TWO follow ups and still received nothing. Then I learned that was a deadline and it was 10 days away. I wrote again and finally received the transcripts.

I have trouble getting letters of reference too. I asked for them in NOVEMBER and yet, January came and went and no letters. I wrote emails and called and FINALLY got a call asking "how do the letters need to be put together?" How hard can it be to hear "three letters, each in a separate envelope, sealed and signed across the back" and do that? No, this guy couldn't. When I DID receive them, they weren't signed or even SEALED for that matter but seeing as how I now had 5 days to get them in, I couldn't split hairs. I also couldn't forge his signature. It's too hard. I tried.

So I paid $28.50 to express my documents to Toronto on Monday and I was thrilled when I got an email from the University on Tuesday saying they had everything. Thank the Lord.

But again, now I wait. To quote Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride: "I hate wait."

My head hurts

2008-02-11T14:15:00.002-05:00

And my wallet doesn't feel to good either.

A few weeks ago, I got sick. I didn't think much of it, I do, after all, work in a day care, getting sick goes with the job. But after a few days, it didn't go away and I thought it might be the flu. All the symptoms were there. I was tired, nauseous, dizzy and really REALLY achy. So I called out of work for two half days (both days I got there thinking I would be fine) and rested. I drank Orange Juice and took extra Vitamin C. I was still stuffy, but better.

Yesterday I woke up with my throat in such pain I was sure that it was strep. I was none o pleased as there have been several reported cases of drug resistant strep in the area. This is not good. I rarely take medications. If I do, it's Advil or something like that. Okay and Benadryl, but usually not much else. So I generally respond quickly to antibiotics. I went to the doctor today. I couldn't take it anymore and I couldn't risk my health much more. He said that it isn't strep but rather some other kind of infection. Apparently there have been a lot of cases of this too. The doctors prescribe meds but the bacteria is stronger than the pills. I hope that isn't the case for me. I can't afford to miss much more work. I did have to call out today.

Speaking of "can't afford". My doctor visit cost $134. I was able to put down $20 and leave, then there was the matter of prescriptions. I drove all the way across town to the Walmart because I had heard that prescriptions were $12 there. Now, I hate the walmart, but I need the meds and they are supposedly cheaper there. NO! I wasted time, energy and gasoline to pay a total of 16 cents less than what I would have paid at the local pharmacy across the street from my doctor's office. Well, damn. At least the swelling has gone down and it isn't as painful. Still, I think I'll go make another fruit shake and take a much needed well deserved nap.

Yuck...

2008-01-21T00:59:00.000-05:00

On Thursday, one of the children at the center became ill. This is nothing new to day care centers and, as I was the only person able to control my gag reflex, I cleaned it up. When I saw that the cleaning crew, who came in after the incident left a stain in the carpet, I once again, took on the job of clean up. I don't really mind as the entire job took about 2 and a half hours and that's about how much I had in overtime this week. So, I made $19.50 an hour, cleaning up vomit. Not bad.

However, now I feel sick. It's 1:01 am. I have to out of bed at 5:45 so I can get dressed, make breakfast, put lunch together and leave for work to be there by 8. I've already called to warn them that I may be out. I have spent the better part of the day in the bathroom, waiting to ill. I am still waiting. I wouldn't mind, of course, if I didn't actually throw up. However, I would like something to happen so I can at least curl into the fetal position and fall asleep for a few short hours. If I am not asleep in the next hour, I highly doubt that I will going to work in the morning.

We can't find the thermometer, but Mom says that I feel warm to her. That NEVER happens. I am usually cool, and often have a temperature below that of "normal" (my blood pressure is the same). So when it does register as slightly higher than "normal", I get a little concerned.

I guess I will have to wait and see.

Adding injury to injury

2008-01-14T21:41:00.000-05:00

Today was a snow day. The majority, if not not all of Connecticut schools were closed or delayed due to Winter Storm Christopher. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm not really all that afraid of anything called Christopher. That's a nice name. Seriously, why do meteorologists INSIST on giving storms names anyway? And, if they must, why easy names? Why not something horrible that would really get the message across: DON'T GO OUTSIDE IF YOU WANT TO LIVE?

Anyway. We had a lot of kids at the center today. Yes, WE were still open. But, due to some crazy miracle, a lot of my kids did not show up. So I had five for the majority of the day. This evening, about an hour before I left for the day, I was sitting with "Carla" and "Meghan". We were sitting on the floor, playing with blocks, looking at books etc when Carla jumped on me. She's four, I didn't get angry at her. However, I did tell her that it hurt and asked that she not do in again. She did, after all, land directly on my knees which are still swollen from whatever I did last week. Meghan thought this was hilarious and joined in and she and Carla took turns jumping on me. Now, you may be asking, "Why didn't you just get up and walk away?" I know, it seems odd that I sat there and took abuse when I could have easily walked away from the situation. However, that's the problem. I couldn't get up and walk away. If you have never experienced severe knee pain then I envy you. It is not a fun time at all. If you're already IN pain, however, and something comes along and continues to make it worse... I'm sure you see where I'm going with this. I drove home in agony.

I am actually shocked that my knees aren't swollen more than they already were and bruised. But now I face a real problem. As my earlier posts would indicate, I am already seeking new employment and will stay at the center only as long as I have to or until my bills are paid. Unfortunately, it looks like I'll be there for a while. Maybe until April. I know it doesn't seem that long and if I wasn't in such pain it would be nothing. However, I am and the employment market is horrible this time of year. Sure, there are lots of day cares jobs available but how much sense would that make? I can't do retail because, number 1, I despise it with a fiery passion that consumes my very soul and number 2, it's longer hours on my feet than what I do now. I'm still waiting on the nature center but they won't be making a decision for another "few weeks".

On the bright side, I spoke with a woman today from Kindermusik and she informed me that I do not need to be able to play guitar. In fact, all they require is that I can sing, unaccompanied and stay in tune. I can do that. I think I'll start training with them in February and little by little purchase the instruments and programs that I would need. There is a woman in Toronto that is always hiring new Kindermusik teachers and if I get accepted to graduate school t here and can swing it, I might transfer it and go up this year after all. I guess we will all just have to be patient. I am still waiting for transcripts and letters of recommendation anyway. Hopefully I'll have everything in by next week. Really guys, pray that it happens soon.

I got a boo boo

2008-01-13T20:40:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know, childish. FOR A REASON! I have come to the conclusion that I cannot physically tolerate the strain of working in a day care. It's been a week and my neck has been in a spasm since Tuesday. The back started getting pretty sore Wednesday afternoon and Thursday the left knee, which has always given me problems, was swollen to almost twice its normal size. I'm still waiting for that to get better.

To be frank, I am really ticked off. I like this job. DON'T read I love this job. It is frustrating and there is nothing I despise more than lesson plans. Hate them. Hate them a lot. But it's a good job, the pay is great, the co-workers are amazing - we all get along and everyone is really supportive. I don't even mind the whining from the kids, they are three after all, it's normal for them to whine CONSTANTLY.

So, now I'm AGAIN looking for a new job. I'll keep this one until I find something else, as long as I can at least. I hate looking for employment. Retail always looms overhead, like some horrible curse.

I am waiting to hear back from the Nature Center and a family looking for part time child care. I think in February I'll start training with Kindermusik International and hopefully will be working the children's music circuit by May. I have to call them on Monday.

That's all. I'm off to ice and elevate.

Skinnamarink!

2008-01-12T22:38:00.000-05:00

Last September, I made a small donation to Willow Breast Cancer Support Canada*, an organization started by, among others, Sharon Hampson. I grew up watching her on television as one third of the trio Sharon, Lois and Bram. I LOVE HER. Truly, I do. When I discovered that she had had cancer herself, I felt sick. So when I found an opportunity to give back, I took it. When I made my donation, there was a comment box where you could say why you were giving. So I wrote about growing up watching the Elephant Show. I wrote that Sharon was always like a mom to me and that I never questioned it when, at the end of the show, she said that she loved me. I took it as absolute truth. She had given me so much and inspired me to learn about and listen to all sorts of music. I wake up everyday with a song already stuck in my head, I hum or sing all day long and I am always looking for new songs and artists. I have to believe that Sharon Lois and Bram were and are a part of that.

Anyway. On Wednesday, I got a letter. From whom? SHARON HAMPSON! No way! I nearly passed out. I was so excited and almost afraid to open it. But I obviously did. It was a Holiday card and inside it read:

"Dear Patti,
Thank you for your kind donation to Willow and your lovely message which was passed on to me. I am touched.
Sharon"

Oh. My. God.

I noticed that the return address label was HER home address. It had to be. There was no "care of" or anything like that. I called friends. I wrote emails. Then I did something most people would find odd. I wrote her back. I had to. I had to let her know how much it meant to me that I got a letter from a childhood hero. I will admit that I had trouble putting it in the mailbox the next day, but I did and if my calculations are correct, she'll receive it sometime next week.

It still makes me giddy. I can't believe I got a letter from Sharon. SHARON! Oh lord.

*Go to http://www.willow.org/ to make your own donation and learn more.

Grrrr...

2008-01-12T22:15:00.000-05:00

That's right. I said Grrrr. Just a little irritation at work, that's all. On Friday I was scheduled to have more than ten kids, I ended up having eight but I had an Assistant Teacher all day long anyway. I loved it. I love her. She works in the Older Twos room next to me. We get along very well. Anyway, at snack time "Colin" wanted to have his Teddy Grahams. (Oh my God has my life really become this dull?) and "Mary", my assistant, said no. Now, I really wouldn't have cared either way. However, she said no. Out of respect, I backed her. Colin asked me and I said no. He proceeded to through a tantrum. He is famous for these, I actually can't believe that he is going to move up to the next age group in a few days. Anyway. After about ten minutes (NO LIE) I was getting a little irritated. I went in to the other room to find my boss and asked her if she could help.

"Colin is throwing a fit because Mary and I have told him that he can't have cookies for snack. Can you help us calm him down?"

She followed me out and found Colin and asked him what was wrong.

"I want to eat my Teddy Grahams."

"Well, come on, snack time is almost over. Let's go back into the classroom and you can eat your Teddy Grahams in there."

WHAT!? We were so ticked off. I mean, since when does "could you help me clam him down" translate to "could you override my authority and appease this child so I can go about my work"?

Then during nap time "Gladys" came in and gave me my new class list. There are six children currently in my room who will move up on Monday and I am getting four new ones. No one told me about this. What a way to learn.

I've already come to the conclusion that eight hour days with 10 children is not for me. I will stay until at least February as I have a HUGE bill to pay by the end of this month and I can't afford to let it slide. However, I have some other prospects, a nature center and a children's music program.

Now, I realize that a lot of people think I am too fickle or that I can't stick to anything. That simply isn't true. I just keep grabbing at straws, trying to find what it is I want to do and I keep coming up short. The money is usually good but I feel exhausted, sore or just empty at the end of the day. It certainly doesn't help that I have never been in so much pain. My back, hips, knees, ankles and neck are on fire and lately, I've developed trouble breathing. I am wondering if I am allergic to something at the center. I'll have to discuss it with my boss. We'll see.

the daily grind

2008-01-06T12:46:00.000-05:00

A little while ago, I told you all that I had FINALLY gotten a job, and not a minute too soon either. On Friday, I had my "training" day. I came in at 9 am and stayed until 1:30, just to see how things and get in the swing of things. The only thing is, I wasn't really trained. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm okay with it. It's just the way it happened and it's fine. The woman with whom I was supposed to train needed to leave at 11 to cover another room while someone went on break, then she took a break of her own. So, I was alone until someone came in to help me get the kids ready for nap time.

It wasn't too bad. The kids are really sweet, even if an entire year of NO STRUCTURE whatsoever has rendered them completely unable to follow directions or listen very well. That's not their fault. No one reinforced discipline. That will be a tough one. They are three. I can't exactly use time outs or similar methods. However, the Admin staff knows how shoddy the teachers were before me and they are behind me. They even asked before I left if I thought it was possible to get these kids to listen. I said, "Well, I won't give up on a kid after just four hours, that would be ridiculous. I do think it's possible. It's not going to happen in a week if that's what you mean." But, I'm hoping that by February they make some kind of turn around. It's going to be difficult, but I'm excited nonetheless.

It's my room. If I want to change it, I can. Whatever I say, goes. I am really excited that my bosses are currently looking for an Assistant Teacher for me. That is going to be so amazing. It'll be so much easier if I can break them into smaller groups. One of us will be able to take all of them to one area while the other teacher cleans up. I know, why am I getting so excited? I'll tell you why. On Friday, I couldn't clean up. I was the only one there and I had to stay with the kids. With an Assistant Teacher, whom they are asking me to recommend, I can do the entire job I am required to do. That feels good.

I think that's it for now. I'll fill you in as I go.

I Love my Aunt Claire

2008-01-02T15:13:00.001-05:00

I will not in to details here. Suffice it to say that my mother's sister just helped me out in a big way. Granted, I owe her... BIG! However, it's still better than what there was an hour ago.

It's that time of year again (Isn't it always?)

2008-01-01T01:28:00.000-05:00

Well, it's 2008. Yahoo. I must admit, I'm a bit non-plussed at it all. I never really got into New Year Celebrations. Whatever. New start and all, I suppose, but I prefer to start anew quietly.

I got a job offer today, actually yesterday but whatever. I am a little wary as to whether or not I'm pursuing the right things, but I guess work is better than no work and who knows, I may love it.

I've been offered a Full-time (read $13/hr + benefits YEEHAW, pitchin' fork) Teacher position at a day care in Ridgefield, CT (10 minute drive) working with the three year olds. I am pretty excited about it, though like I said, nervous. It's not the age group. I know that it's 1 - 2 year olds that stress me out. I will be trained and helped along the way AND I really feel that if I had a question, they would be more than glad to answer it. It's probably just that it's a lot at once. I was reading the orientation book and MAN! It is precise. I appreciate it but- it's odd, in that past, I never much cared for these things, now I want to devote the remainder of the week to reading, re-reading and possibly three times reading this thing. I guess that's a sign.

I have lots to do. I need to get my TB results signed off on, I need to get my fingerprints printed out AGAIN! That's right, I'm already in the system, have been since August 2006 when I worked at my first center. THAT job I was excited about. I was going to be teaching specific subjects to no more than four at a time. Maybe this will be be similar. My room is an open concept and I share it with the 4s, 5s and school aged kids.

It's just a lot of information all at once and I plan to say that when I train on Friday.

"You know, I want to do a great job here, and I am so excited about it. But I'm a little nervous so please excuse me if I ask a question more than once, I want to make sure that I get this right, and there is so much to remember. If I look like a deer in the headlights - hit me"

Okay, maybe I won't use that last bit.

Anyway, I hope that everyone enjoyed the Holidays and new year celebrations.

Yeah, about that...

2007-12-17T23:02:00.000-05:00

I know. I haven't posted in a long time. But then again, no one seemed too interested in what I had to say, so I didn't make it a priority.

So, where did I leave off? Jeff?

OK, fine. He called a few days after the break up. "Let's get together... A friend is performing in a concert..." blah blah blah. I said that I wasn't comfortable hanging out and then proceeded to try for TEN MINUTES to get off the phone. All the while I was with friends who were sending me dirty looks. After I hung up and ignored two MORE calls from him in the next few moments, I agreed to meet with him later in the week to discuss my feelings and reasons behind them. I have never so badly wanted to tell ANYONE to just blow off and deal with it. Oh well. We met. We talked.

He is an idiot. I know, I could get sued for libel here. But I don't really care.
He kept saying that I wasn't "comfortable hanging out for no good reason". Eventually I couldn't take it anymore. I had been civil and relaxed the whole time. EVERYONE I know would have been proud. But I cannot tolerate anyone making me or my opinions seem stupid because they don't understand. So I said "I don't like how I feel when you're around. How's THAT for a good reason?"

The conversation did not end for twenty more minutes during which he said I would be "missing out" if we didn't still decide to be friends and how I needed to hang out with all different types of people.

"You need all different kinds of friends."
I replied, "I HAVE all different types of friends."

"Well," he said, "So do I. Black, Hispanic, gay, whatever."

OH MY GOD! This is how he defines his friends. See, me friends are funny, smart, dorky, talented, musical, bookish... THEY HAVE PERSONALITY TRAITS!

Eventually I realized that the only way to get him to leave me alone was to, for lack of a better term, piss him off. So I did. He said that he realized that he couldn't change my mind or how I felt. This, I am sure, was meant to illicit a response of
"Of course you do. You're a great guy. It's me. Give me time, I'll come around." or something to that effect. But instead, I said "No. No you can't"

At that he said something like be that way, or fine... I wasn't really listening anymore, and then he turned and stormed off in a flourish of passive aggression. My, my, my, how did I let that one get away?

Anyway, it's been weeks and I have still yet to hear my phone tell me not to answer it because Jeff is calling. Ahhh. At last, peace.

Got a cold?

2007-10-25T22:03:00.001-04:00

Try this one:

Cold be gone Lemon-Aide

1 cup water
1 tsp lemon juice
1 tbsp honey

In a small saucepan, combine water and juice. Bring mixture to a simmer, stir in honey. Add more honey or lemon to your taste. If you're REALLY sick, through in some homopathic remedies or dissolve a Vitamin C pill. To do this, you may need a little more water.

NEW RECIPE!

2007-10-25T21:59:00.000-04:00

Just in time for Halloween!
This one, I bring to you DIRECT from the food network.

Carmelized Pumpkin Seeds

1/2 cup butterscotch caramel sauce
1 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon extract
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
3 cups pumpkin seeds, roasted
1 cup almonds, crushed

Lightly coat baking sheet with cooking spray and set aside.

In a large skillet, slowly melt the caramel sauce and sugar. When melted stir in cinnamon extract and cayenne. Continue cooking until mixture reaches a temperature of 310 degrees F. Stir in pumpkin seeds until completely coated. Spread caramelized seeds onto the baking sheet and sprinkle with crushed almonds. Separate seeds with wooden spoon until cooled.

You can purchase Pumpkin Seeds already roasted. If you are using seeds from a fresh pumpkin, clean and rinse them, then place them on a cooking sheet and spray with cooking spray. Roast for 1 hour at 250 degrees. Stir them every 15 minutes. The actual seed is inside the hull. The hull is edible.

S'been a while

2007-10-25T21:44:00.000-04:00

Sorry that I haven't posted recently... Ooops.

Well. I am over it. Jeff and I are done. I broke up with him this afternoon.

I've realized that I was never really interested in him. I am almost embarrassed that I made such a big deal about it in the first place. But, I'm actually glad for it all. I've learned a lot about myself in the past few weeks.

I think that really, I was so happy to see that there was someone who liked me and wanted to be with me. I know it sounds desperate and lame, but that's the way it is.

It wasn't until a few days ago that I started to see things about his personality that really bug me. He's just a little too mean sometimes. He's a little snobby and he isn't very confident. A lot of times I feel that he talking so the people around him will think he's smart. I used to do it too. Sometimes I still do. April mentioned that maybe it's because I am trying to change myself that I am so hyper-sensitive to it. It doesn't matter.

It came down to the facts. Physically, he's okay; intellectually, yeah he's smart but he's also pretentious and snobby; emotionally, I am getting nothing and I have NO interest in sleeping with him. Now, that last thing, I wasn't even THINKING about doing anytime soon, but still. If there is nothing there, there's no point in pursuing it. At all.

Looking back on it, there is a common denominator for ALL the relationships from which I walked away. I have some thinking to do about what I want. I suppose that being this age, having these troubles, is fine.

And I'm fine. Really. Today at work was the first when I didn't have to think about it. Last night, before our date (WHICH WAS TERRIBLE!) I was dreading it. I so desperately wanted to call and cancel, but I knew he wanted to talk to me, so we went out. It was simply bad. Strained, mean and cold. And the food wasn't too good either. Oh well.

Now you know. Let's move on.

Another recipe installment

2007-10-13T01:45:00.001-04:00

Arugula Salad

You need:

2 - 3 cups arugula, rinsed and drained
4 oz creamy goat cheese
2 eggs
1 1/2 cups fine bread crumbs
1 tbsp EACH
Parsley
Sage
Rosemary
Thyme (yeah, like the Simon and Garfunkel song)
Olive Oil

1. Separate goat cheese into 4 one ounce sections. With hands, shape cheese into medallions, approximately 1/2" - 3/4" thick. Set aside in fridge.
2. In small bowl, beat eggs.
3. In a seperate bowl, combine bread crumbs and herbs.
4. After 5 - 10 minutes remove cheese from fridge.
5. Heat up a small sauce pan or deep fry pan.
6. ONCE PAN IS HEATED, add olive oil. The oil should be about 1" thick. WATCH the oil carefully, do not let it get too hot.
7. Coat each medallion in egg and then transfer to bread crumb mixture. MAKE SURE that the cheese is completly coated. I like to double coat with egg and bread crumbs.
8. Carefully place cheese in oil and allow each side to cook for 1 - 1 1/2 minutes. Be careful when you flip them, they might break.
9. Arrange arugula on salad plates. Each plate should have about 1/2 cup on it.
10. Transfer cheese to a paper towel to absorb the excess oil and then place on arugula.

ENJOY WARM!

I got this recipe from somewhere on the food network. I think it's Jim Croce's wife who started it. I changed it a little, she says to submerge the cheese in oil but frankly, I think that's excessive.

Ok, it's getting a little creepy

2007-10-13T01:41:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is dinner with Jeff's parents, yes, things are moving quickly... and I volunteered to bring dessert as well as make my amazing arugula salad when I get there. It'll go really well with the salmon I think we're having. Yum! I love salmon and I haven't had it since I went to April's for dinner this summer... (funny, April is in EVERY one of my stories...)

Anyway, I wanted to actually make the dessert rather than just buy something, I thought it would be nicer and well, WAY less lame. So I decided to bake a pie.

I have never baked a pie before, let alone an apple pie. You know, it's actually rather complicated.

Anyway. I guess I wanted to give off some kind of happy homemaker vibe, (Patti Azzara MASTER ILLUSIONIST!) even though I DO love to bake. So. I made a pie.

It looks really good. I actually took a picture of it.

But seriously, I am BAKING PIES FROM SCRATCH for this guy. And you know, I feel really good about it. Just thought I'd share.

Stop the presses!

2007-10-07T19:30:00.001-04:00

The dry spell, otherwise referred to as my entire life, is over.

I am officially dating.

WHAT!?

Ok, here’s the scoop.

Sunday night was a little cold. I know; BIG surprise. So, I grabbed a sweater. It just so happens that I grabbed a beautiful green knit cowl-neck sweater that April insisted I buy when I went to visit her a few weeks ago. It may be my favorite. It may be my lucky. Anyway. I went upstairs looking for chap stick or something, who cares? and looked in the mirror.
"Gee", I thought, "I look kinda cute, I want people to see this." So I tied my hair back, tucked the loose ends behind my ears (totally chic look for me by the way), put on a little makeup, nice shoes and grabbed a pad of paper and pen so I could go to the 24 hour Starbucks and write. I like to do that on occasion. At this point, it was around 12:15 am.

So, I drove to Starbucks. I get there, I make pleasant chit chat with Russ, the ex-potential-wish-we-had-more-time-because-it-could-have-been-great boyfriend, when in walk some other people. One is looking for a gift. I gladly helped out. I love this kind of stuff. His friend orders a drink and sits down. Five minutes go by and I finally make it to the order counter where my Pumpkin Spice Latte has been sitting there, waiting. I turn to find seating when gift-lookers friend says, "It's been there a while" and smiles. I said I knew, and laughed, no big-gee, it had to cool down right? He asked what I was writing, if I'm in college... We talked FOR HOURS! Literally, two hours! I didn't even realize it.

Oh, lord.

He is working on getting his Teaching Certificate in CT for Secondary Ed. He's a History Guy. I LOVE HISTORY! He found this interesting and cool. We talked about EVERYTHING! Politics, art, music, history, philosophy. WHERE has he been all my life? He kept saying things like "I should get your number so we can talk more" and "yeah, my ex-girlfriend thought..." OK, so you want my number and you're single is what you're telling me.

So, we exchanged numbers. Eventually we had to leave, his friend was tired and I was a little too. But it was great. He said, "Well, Patti, I have Tuesday off. So I'll give you a call and see what you're up to".

He is funny, intelligent, driven and cute. Not little buy cute, not uber hot, just simply attractive. I NEVER attract attractive guys. Just losers who are excessively short. He's taller!

Oh yeah his name is Jeff.

So, Tuesday rolls around… I love when they say they’ll call AND THEN THEY CALL!

My, but it makes a girl feel special. We agreed to meet up for coffee. He suggested a drink, I suggested the coffee. I'm more comfortable doing coffee than a drink in a bar. I don't do bars. Never have. I just don't feel good in them. Alcohol is best with few people and at home. But whatever.

I had a date.

I had a DATE! I NEVER date.

Picture: Snoopy dancing atop his dog house, ears flying to and fro, head kicked-back with cheesy grin...

Seriously, apart from one Wednesday night (YEARS AGO!) driving around CT looking for something to do with Alan, the knight in shining armor who allowed for a "ladies choice, front or back seat", I have NEVER had a date. I'm always the make-out buddy, never the girlfriend.

Again, we talked for hours. We met up at 8 and said goodnight at 11:45. At one point, I thought, “He’s not going to kiss me. He just wants a friend to talk to. That kind of sucks.” I thought I would have to settle for the goodnight hug he gave me while saying the standard “I had a really nice time with you tonight.” But, just as I was thinking that, he kissed me. It wasn’t that slow move in; make a girl’s heart beat like crazy kiss either. I must have blinked because I didn’t notice it until he actually kissed me. Love it. He said “I’ve wanted to do that since I met you”. We stood in the parking lot for a few more minutes kissing (I know, what a romantic setting) and then parted ways.

Wednesday afternoon he called and said that I could come by and visit him at work should I be "so inclined". So, I did. I knew he worked 5 - 11 so I stopped in at 8, just as he was taking his 15 minute break. I know, my timing in impeccable. He got me a cup of coffee and we sat and talked for a few minutes. He said that he needed to go out and grab a quick cigarette but that he'd be right back and then, since he didn't have tables, we could talk even after he went back to work. But taking April’s advice to “go by just to remind him how much he likes [me], then leave”, I said, "Oh, I'm not sticking around. You asked me to come by, I came by, now I'm going to go." Now, I said it cute. There was no harsh, sarcastic bitchy tone about it. "But," I added "I will walk you outside for your cigarette." We got outside and we talked for a few minutes. His Praxis test is coming up and he said that after it he "might need [my] support". So quasi date set up for Wednesday. He finished his cigarette and said "I really want to kiss you right now. But I don't want to get in trouble... Oh whatever." and kissed me anyway.

"Are you not supposed to do that at work?"
"Well, you know, I have to try to look professional. I have the apron and everything."
"I see. Well, should I not be sitting on the railing then?"
"No, you're fine. You're the customer."
"Oh. I see. I can do whatever I want."
"Basically."
So, I kissed him goodnight and left.

Fast-forward to Thursday night when I sent him a text message "Hope that work went well and any studying you do sinks in."

He replied "Hey u! Actually have an awful allergy attack, will call you after I study tomorrow. Have a good night."

Okay. Friday he called at about 3 or so to say Saturday is a go that sort of thing.

(Oh yeah, on Tuesday he invited me to a party on Saturday night. A friend's wife was having a birthday and he was allowed to bring a guest.)

"I'll call you after work" So, figuring he worked until about 11, I headed to the coffee shop at 10. He called a few minutes later, already home. "Do you want me to come out there?" "You can if you are so inclined," I said "but, it's up to you"
So, he showed up 25 minutes later. The powers I have... Pleasant conversation followed. School, his upcoming test. Every once in a while there would be a kiss thrown my way. Nothing gross or slobbery. I ended up with my head on his shoulder. He remarked that usually he wouldn't go for that sort of thing in public. But with me, it's different.

We went outside so he could smoke and decided not to go back in. We ended up at my car because it served as a place to sit. (On it not in it, calm down.) Kissing ensued. Happiness and joy abound. He is a really good kisser - did I mention that? We probably stayed there, by the car, kissing, hugging, talking, sitting... for about an hour. It was really nice. When he's around, when he's on my mind... I am this goofy, giggly, cute girl. It's weird, It's nauseating. It's so nice.

So, Saturday FINALLY rolled around. I must admit that I was a little nervous to be going to a party full of people I didn't know. As you may know, I don't much care for parties. We got there pretty early but only a few minutes before the guest of honor who jumped out of the car and called "Jeff! Hi! Oh, is this your date? Yeah!" Her name is Kathy, really lovely woman. When we walked in behind her she introduced us to her parents.

"That's Jeff. And that's Jeff's girlfriend Patti".

We both found this very funny.

It was a nice party, I met some great people. All musicians, or at least most... Kathy wants us (Jeff, me, herself and her husband) to go out for dinner some night soon and there is a standing invitation to drop by their condo whenever.

As we left Kathy said "It's really so nice to see that Jeff is dating. We've been saying he needs to for a while. But he has a brain so he can't date just anyone. And you are so perfect. I mean LOOK at you. You're beautiful and really genuine, I can tell."

Did I mention that I REALLY like Kathy? Everyone at this party thought that we had been dating for at least a few months, some even thought we were engaged. Huh.
We headed to Starbucks (where I parked) and went in to sit for a while. At one point he said
"Well, Miss never had a boyfriend" (which he still cannot believe)
"Yup, that's me."
"Do you want one?"
I just nodded and then, in my cutest little girl voice said
"Can I have one?"
"Yea, you can have one."
"But who should it be? I mean, there are so many guys to choose from..."
"Really?"
"I mean, I would pick you, but you already have a girlfriend."
"Do I? What's her name?"
"Well, according to Kathy, it's Patti."
"Yeah. I'd say so. That's my girlfriend."

cut to me, BEAMING!!!!!!

I really like this guy. He thinks I'm cute, he thinks I'm sweet, he thinks I'm interesting. And when he's around, I am those things. I don't do the stupid stuff. I do the cute stuff that 2 weeks ago made me GAG!

I'm a girlfriend! ME! Holy- just- wow.

It's gonna take some time to get used to this. Though, I kinda hope I never do.

So, I think that's it. That's a lot.

Love and all things green (Especially the sweater that started it all...)

Patti

Ladies and Gentlemen,

2007-10-01T15:24:00.001-04:00

I may have met someone.

If I say more, I'll jinx it...

I can cook too!

2007-09-30T15:27:00.000-04:00

I love to cook as a matter of fact. I love to bake too. I simply ADORE the holidays because I get to do both ALL THE TIME! Mmmmm, Christmas cookies.

So I thought I would share some favorite recipes for fall. These are all fairly easy and really delicious. I have tried, wherever possible, to substitute or eliminate processed sugars etc. It just tastes better that way.

Gramdma Patti's Famous Acorn Squash Soup

I call it this because by the time I'm old enough to HAVE grandchildren, people will have forgotten that I stole this recipe from Alton Brown. Well, I modified it. He says to use butternut squash, I don't like butternut squash. So there.

6 cups acorn squash
Melted butter
1 tablespoon kosher salt, plus 1 teaspoon
1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper, plus 1/2 teaspoon (I prefer mixed pepper here)
3 cups chicken or vegetable stock
4 tablespoons honey
1 teaspoon minced ginger
4 ounces heavy cream
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.
Brush the flesh of the squash with a little butter and season with 1 tablespoon salt and 1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper. On a sheet pan lay the squash flesh side up. Roast for about 30 to 35 minutes or until the flesh is nice and soft.
Scoop the flesh from the skin into a pot and add the stock, honey, and ginger. Bring to a simmer and puree using a stick blender. You can use a regular blender, it's a little messier though. Stir in the heavy cream and return to a low simmer. Season with salt, pepper, and nutmeg.

Now, you can forgo the cream. It just isn't as creamy. Huh? Who'd've thunk!

Patti's Delicious Blue-Z Banana Apple Nut Bread

3 eggs
1 cup Vegetable oil
just under 1 cup sugar
2 cups grated Zucchini
1 mashed banana
1 grated medium apple (honey crisp or Mac's are best)
1 pint fresh blueberries (hey, if you can FIND wild ones, use them!)
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3 cups whole wheat flour
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
(the Southerner that I don't like to admit is in me, prefers pecans.)

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Grease and flour two 8x4 inch loaf pans.

Combine Zucchini, Banana and Apple in a bowl, set aside.
*HINT! There's a lot of juice in apples, before you add them to the mixture, squeeze out a bit.

In a large mixing bowl, beat eggs until light and frothy. Mix in oil and sugar. Stir in Zucchini mixture and vanilla. Add blueberries.

In a separate bowl, combine flour, cinnamon, soda, powder, salt and nuts; stir into egg mixture.

Divide batter in prepared pans.

Bake for 60 - 70 minutes or until done.

Variations:

KID-FRIENDLY

Follow above directions, but add 1/2 cup chocolate chips.

I LIKE MINE...

you can put in raisins if you want, pecans, no nuts at all. Make it your own. I did.

STILL TO COME!

Cranberry Pear Relish
Vegan Cheesecake (do-able)
Random Christmas Cookies
Cold-be-gone Lemon-aide

Third time's the charm

2007-09-28T18:07:00.000-04:00

Ok.
I swear that after this grows out I am officially done with hair dye!

I fixed it AGAIN!

The first try made it SO LIGHT that adding brown just made it red (read orange-ish). April and Jeff BOTH said that it wasn't, but frankly, they rarely saw it in fluorescent light and they're nice, they could have lied.

Now it has a funky warm sheen but it's a nice dark brown. It's literally my original color with an all-over warm tone mixed in.

Whatever.

Your comments are appreciated...

2007-09-28T18:03:00.000-04:00

Or, rather, they would be. But it seems that most of my readers don't comment. That makes me a little sad. I mean, if you read, let me know what you think. Granted, a lot of what I write is silly little stuff but BIG doesn't occur on a regular basis. I don't need to blog my life. I do because people asked me to. Come on people, give a girl a comment! I know, I sound needy and lame. I am not. It just isn't too fun having this one-sided conversation.

Catch up!

2007-09-25T12:18:00.000-04:00

Well. I had fun last weekend. A lot. Two weeks ago I talked with April and set up a weekend at her house. WOOHOO! I had been WAITING, rather impatiently, to tell her scads of news. Work, boys, interests and of course, new YEEHAW moves. (Explanation to follow)

So I set off on Friday afternoon from Hancock, NH and made the three and a half (read four) hour drive to Nassau, NY. Now, it would have been three hours. But I took a wrong turn at the VERY BEGINNING of the drive and then couldn't find her road at the end of it. There are literally NO streetlights where she lives. Great for star gazing but awful if you just want to be able to read street signs. Oh well.

I feel so good when I'm with April. She's genuinely interested in what is going on with me and wants to tell me her own things that sound marked for only certain people. I am so honored to be one of those certain people. She calls me her little sister. She never had one, it's cool to have that relationship with her. I trust her with everything and feel like she's a sister. Of course, sometimes she acts like such a kid, I am reluctant to say older sister!

For example: We were standing in the kitchen on Saturday evening with her boyfriend, Jeff. He is really very nice and supportive (I'll go into further details momentarily) and ridiculously funny. Anyway. April made some kind of comment that could sound a little dumb if you didn't know her. So, of course, I ribbed her for it. Jeff joined in because, like I said, he is funny. Well, she was making toast at the time. Let me just say that it's probably a bad idea to poke at someone (playfully of course) when she has a spoon covered in Red Raspberry Preserves in her hand. That is, unless you want the jam-like substance smeared all over your forehead. I am sure I looked really sexy. I got her back. I just wiped it off my head and smacked it on hers. This did not surprise her in the slightest. Jeff, I am sure, thoroughly enjoyed watching this exchange.

Anyway. We went shopping (yard sales, Salvation Army, Goodwill - I know, BIG spenders) and had a wonderful day walking around Albany and laughing. I spent the entire weekend smiling and happy, even when my ankle started acting up. Until Sunday morning. April was going to work out a bit and I stayed upstairs to check my email. There was a note from my boss at the center requesting that I meet with him. It sounded casual, like he wanted to go over some things for the next week. I called him in his office and I knew it wasn't going to be so casual.

There had been complaints, apparently lots, none of which were brought to my attention, and he felt uncomfortable placing me with children. That meant, in my mind, a week of resource. Ok, I thought, a chance to work on some issues and get to be the person I need to be to do this job. But, it was hard to hear that I had screwed up so much and frustrating to know that he didn't come to me about it until the weekend. He knew on Wednesday from one school and Friday from another that there were complaints and problems yet he STILL WAITED until Saturday to ask to talk to me about it. This has happened before. When it did, I asked him that if it ever happened again that he come to me sooner rather than later so that it would be fresh in my mind and I could better change my behavior in the future.

The phone conversation started as a "It's not acceptable, but don't be sorry. We'll continue (read start) to work on this and you'll get better". It ended with him saying "here's what I need from you. I need a letter of resignation on my desk tomorrow morning and I can give you a good recommendation, or I'll have to terminate you" I resigned to save face. What choice did I have? I don't like and would even go as far to say that I hate how he handled this whole thing. Monday morning I packed my car and drove back to Connecticut where I will stay until who knows when. I am extremely disappointed and I sure that I not alone in that.

Anyway, I was at April's when I got this phone call. She calmed me down. I wasn't too emotional about it yet and we talked a bit. When Jeff came home, he was so sweet. He made me laugh and I really did feel okay about it. I went out for a walk about fifteen minutes later. He hadn't expected me to leave. April told me later that he said "I wasn't ready for her to go for a walk". He'd wanted me to sit and talk and hang out a bit more before he took his nap between jobs. Sweet. Sweet guy. He also said I needed a beer, but I didn't take him up on that offer.

So, I think that's everything.

Silver Lining:
If my associate still wants me, I can be a Girl Scout Leader after all.
I found out early that it wasn't a good fit for me.
The stuff that I wasn't looking forward to, I don't have to do.
and
I'm not dead or dying, so naturally, I will live through this.

Love to you all.

ok look.

2007-09-20T15:38:00.000-04:00

"I understand that I am unique, but it is necessary to continually point that out as if it's a bad thing? Yes, I have my quirks, but you do too. Some of your quirks are actually ANNOYING to people OTHER than me and yet, no one says anything because we have all figured out that it would be rude and wrong to do so.

Figure it out for yourself.

Shut up.

Go away."

Oh, if I only had the indecency or at least ability not to care...

Things are getting hairy...

2007-09-20T15:35:00.000-04:00

I FIXED IT! Thank God.

A few days ago I drove to Target in Keene and bought some hair dye. I felt like it. I got that $19.00 Loreal Colour Exprete Multi-tonal, two-step, add your own personalized hightlights BS thing.

Whoa.

I hated it.

The base color was good but the hightlights made me feel so ugly. It was WAY TOO LIGHT! Really. My hair was borderline orange. I was not pleased. Last night, I couldn't take it anymore. So I drove to Job Lots and paid $3.50 for Garnier 100% Color. I fixed last night with Izzy's help. It looks so much better now.

I thought I would share.

Eat up!

2007-09-18T21:12:00.000-04:00

Every meal at the center involves one member of School Program Staff setting the tables with their group, welcoming everyone to the meal and providing a quote for the meal.

Tonight was my night. Now, I love working dinner. It's way more fun because the kids have all that they've experienced that day fresh in their minds. I also love how great the kids react when I announce dessert. Seriously, it's pretty cool.

Really though, I like running any meal because I get the opportunity to share some of my favorite quotes. A lot of times the kids don't really get it but then, they don't get a lot. The teachers and other instructors though, they usually appreciate the quotes. Not just from me, from anyone. We look pretty hard to find ones that mean something cool. So far, I've gone twice and quoted different parts of the same song. It's a great one so I think that it deserves to be heard here.

We’re gonna talk about love,
Talk about peace,
Talk about a world full of happiness.
Talk about love your neighbor as yourself
Talk about friendliness
Talk about do unto others
as you would have them others do unto you.
And with thoughts like that running through your head,
ain’t nothing good that you can’t do.

There’s a whole lot of people in this old world living on nothing but hate.
If things don’t change around pretty soon, it’s gonna be too late.
They’re building guns and tanks
and bombs and planes
And I don’t know what all
Well you better listen to the people when they talk about peace
Hear the children when they call

They'll talk about love,
Talk about peace,
Talk about a world full of happiness.
Talk about love your neighbor as yourself
Talk about friendliness
Talk about do unto others
as you would have them others do unto you
And with thoughts like that running through your head,
ain’t nothing good that you can’t do.

Well now, they’ve got enough equipment to destroy the world
And everything that’s in it
The way I’ve got it figured it’d take a little while
About twenty five or thirty minutes
It seems funny to me
that when you talk about peace
you might be suspected of crime
And that the people trying hardest to save the world
have lived here the shortest time.

They’re talking ‘bout love,
Talk about peace,
Talk about a world full of happiness.
Talk about love your neighbor as yourself
Talk about friendliness
Talk about do unto others
as you would have them others do unto you
And with thoughts like that running through your head,
ain’t nothing good that you can’t do.

Joe Hampson, singer, songwriter, genius: 1928 - 2006

To hear the song, click HERE and then click on the 01 Talk About Peace.wma file

still a way's to go yet...

2007-09-17T17:40:00.000-04:00

I have accomplished a lot in the past few weeks. I really have. I'm less irritable, more likely to take a breath. But I have more work to do. I am a little frustrated. I know, I know. No one changes overnight. But sometimes I just feel like I am tired of changing. It's never enough, I want to stay me in some way. Am I that bad? I know that there are things about me that need to go away. I know that there are things about me that get in the way of people seeing how great I am. But sometimes, I wish I could just be done with people saying "nope, sorry, keep trying". Sometimes, I simply want to quit. Sometimes I want to scream "This is who I am! Get used to it!" But that would be rude.

I hate to blame other people but growing up where I did, with whom I did... If you didn't yell you weren't heard. If you weren't sarcastic, you weren't funny, if you weren't cynical then you were stupid and unrealistic. If you didn't fight back, you lost. My mom yelled a lot. That's just what I grew up with. It was always there. That's all I knew for a long time. So it's understandable that I have only gone so far in a small amount of time. But I get restless. I am looking forward to what and who I'll be by the end of the year... It's the journey that I look at with a sigh of fatigue and disinterest.

I needed a change...

2007-09-17T10:10:00.000-04:00

Last night I dyed my hair.

I felt like it.

It's different.

I do not like it.

That is all.

ow...

2007-09-15T13:16:00.000-04:00

I am so stupid.

Really, I am.

I was running (literally) down a trail yesterday to get to my car so that I could run (not literally) to the store and buy some chicken for dinner. You see, I was making pasta and I felt that it would not be a sufficient meal, it needed protein.

Anyway.

I was running. On a trail. Full of roots. And rocks.

Yeah.

When all of a sudden...

SNAP goes my right ankle. I was sure that I'd broken it. Sure. I didn't. I sprained it. But it REALLY HURT!

So, I leaned onto a rock nearby and lowered myself to the ground, all the while yelling "Ow. ow ow ow OW OW OW OW OW!" Then, I did something smart. I called for help. Izzy, a co-worker up here, is an EMT. Let me tell you, it is wonderful to have her around. So I start screaming. "IZZY! IZZY! IZZY! I need help! Somebody help me! IZZY!" And then Izzy ran up behind Shira and found me crying on the ground.

Izzy hadn't heard me yelling. Shira had though. She told Izzy. The exchange went something like this:

Shira: Um, Izzy. I think Patti's calling you.
Izzy: Oh yeah? Where is she?
Shira: She's outside, I think let me check. (goes outside, and returns) She appears to be screaming.

I slept on the couch last night, and I'm not walking around much today. I was supposed to work today for a conference (read extra cash) but I am just not up to it. Oh well. Hopefully I'll be better by tomorrow, a little more by Monday and running full speed on Friday. April wants to go hiking/climbing on Saturday so I want to be back up and going well by then at least.

Just thought I'd share.

I forgot...

2007-09-13T13:01:00.000-04:00

Well...

There's a lot going through my head right now. It's mostly just random ideas and bits if information. It's going to take a little while before it all congeals into some truly expressable thing but I'd rather write it down now while it's fresh then after the effect has worn off.

My kids left just a few minutes ago. They were here for four days and three nights. For most part, all of these kids in this group were good. Mine, however, were amazing. I was so blessed with these children. Were they angels? Are you kidding? Of course not! They ARE twelve years old! However, they did listen, they did try, they did have fun and so did I.

The whole time, we laughed, we hiked, we learned.

So today after lunch we gathered the whole school together for a large debreif, a recap of what we'd done, learned etc... Larry, my boss, said that we (the staff) were teaching and working all week long. Now, I'm sure a lot of you are thinking "DUH!".

But me?

I thought, "Wait! I was teaching! Whoa!" It literally had slipped my mind that I was teaching. It slipped my mind that I was working at all.

It was a little disconserting. But I am so thankful for it.

I can't make it clearer. Yet...

I have tried and tried and tried

2007-09-12T17:38:00.001-04:00

But I don't like sushi. It doesn't taste right, and I HATE the texture, just ewwww. I really tried but more than one piece at a time, no thanks. And that seaweed tape they use? Gross!

I think I'll take my salmon cooked from now on. Tuna too. And eel? Well, maybe I'll just stay away from eel entirely.

I know that it is really good for you and blah, blah, blah. But I am sorry. And if you LIKE sushi, look at it this way - more for you!

I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning

2007-09-12T17:36:00.000-04:00

Life is strange. At the beginning of the summer I was crossing my fingers that I would be able to work at the camp I went to as a child. When I realized that it wasn't going to happen I was crushed. But within minutes Karol sent me an email alerting me to a website and a job that might interest me. I called the number listed and was told "We have enough counselors, but apply anyway, sometimes people don't show up." I applied on Monday. I drove up and interviewed on Friday and started work the following Monday.

I have never been so fortunate to work with a better group of people. Apart from five people, the staff was entirely women at this girls camp. I loved it. It was hard and sometimes I thought "When I get home, I am going to kill Karol." But, I really enjoyed myself overall. At my interview I met April, the Adventure Specialist. She did all low/high ropes and I would be assisting her all summer long. I love April. She was so amazing. I was so lucky to work under and with her. It felt so great to have that to look forward to everyday.

However, it was summer camp. Seven weeks doesn't last too long. The last day was coming up and I was unemployed as of 11:01 am, August 20. I was a little nervous. I know the trend: great job, crap job, ok job, awful job, unemployed, good job... I was so scared that I would end up living in Danbury, working in the mall, trying to stay positive in an environment that made me want to cry.

But April, and Scarlett (another close friend from camp), told me about a website that had tons of jobs in which I might be interested. I found two that were interesting and applied to one. That's my weakness, I know I need a job, but I can't seem to get that light under my ass lit.

I faxed in my resume, cover letter and application packet on Monday, August 13. The Director called April for a reference. Then I called him a few hours later to check in as requested. I was in April's car, on her phone when he hired me to work for the school year.

Now I've finished my training and I have ten kids. I am confidently nervous. Everyone at camp was so happy for me - and REALLY supportive. I have never felt so loved by so many people. A lot of people cried when I said goodbye the last time. I didn't realize that I could have that effect on people. One, in particular, told me that she felt like we were sisters and that she had relied on me throughout the suumer and had learned so much from me. I got that a lot. People learned a lot from me this summer. I can't imagine what, but it is so wonderful to hear.

Most of the staff this year were international and I'm already planning my trip to the UK next year so I can see everyone again.

I just wanted to let you all know. Thanks for all the support and I hope that you find the same happiness in your lives even if it makes you think you'll pee your pants because you're wigging out. Life is more fun that way.

"Climb up, look down, steady yourself. Jump"

So, about me...

2007-09-12T17:33:00.000-04:00

Sometimes:
1. I am just stupid
2. I am negative but I think it's realistic
3. I cry for no reason and then laugh at myself
4. Fantasize about volunteering at Hillary Clinton's NY office
5. I remember all the things I said when I was six that I would do when I was this age and I get really overwhelmed
6. I write really long sentences that need to be read several times
7. I don't care
8. I care too much
9. I let myself get hurt because that's what I expect
10. I say hurtful things
11. I forget why I felt I had to
12. I confuse being honest with being vicious
13. I get through an entire blog entry without needing spell chekc
14. I want to give up
15. I give up
16. I tough it out
17. I get REALLY obnoxious songs stuck in my head
18. I force myself to laugh because I know eventually I will find it funny
19. I think I need serious therapy
20. I think that all the help I need will come to me when I am ready to accept it
21. I think I am really deep
22. I think I am full of it
23. I know I am full of it
24. I wish I had brothers
25. I realize how crazy that is
26. I wish I had sisters my own age- only to realize we're equally immature in certain areas so it evens out.
27. I miss people with whom I stay in contact, because there's actually joy in missing them.
28. I realize that 28 is a lot and I should stop.

29. Sometimes I don't...

ok

2007-09-12T17:26:00.000-04:00

I have never been very good at these things. I always try and then I forget that I started. It's unfortunate really, because I would love to share with everyone my experiences as they occur. Sometimes though, at the end of the day, I am tired, or irritated. Sometimes I just can't even THINK about what happened, let alone relive it so that others can get up to speed. But I try. I try. So, if I don't update this on a consistent basis, I apologize. I'll update it more if people actually READ it and comment. If no one reads it then there isn't a point in writing this is there?

I thought not.

Life is a show. Every show has a theme song. (except 60 minutes)

2007-09-08T12:20:00.001-04:00

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

Suddenly I See by KT Tunstall